How to Transform Your Marriage: The Courage to Break Free from Old Patterns

At Therapy Co. Counseling, we know that marriage isn’t about perfection; it’s about growth. Every relationship experiences moments of joy, connection, and intimacy—but also moments of misunderstanding, frustration, and pain. When those challenges arise, many couples feel stuck, replaying the same arguments, avoiding the same issues, or silently drifting apart.

If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve wondered: “Can we really fix this?” The good news is, the answer is yes. Healing is possible, and it starts with what Terry Real, the founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), calls "full-respect living." We like to teach couples how to lovingly goo toe-to-toe with each other where there is mutual respect, a strong back, and an open heart.

Why Patterns Keep You Stuck

One of the most powerful insights in RLT is the idea that we all carry emotional baggage from our past into our relationships. Whether it’s the coping mechanisms we developed in childhood or the ways we’ve learned to defend ourselves, these patterns often sabotage the very intimacy we long for.

Here’s the tricky part: most couples don’t realize they’re caught in these destructive cycles. You may think you’re arguing about money, parenting, or chores, but underneath, you’re likely battling feelings of disconnection, unworthiness, or resentment…and years of either being unable to communicate it clearly, or be heard in a way that moves toward repairing it.

At Therapy Co., we help couples in Carrollton, Atlanta, and across Georgia identify and break these patterns, creating a path to authentic connection.

What Does Breaking Free Look Like?

Imagine this: Instead of replaying that same argument about who’s right or wrong, you and your partner pause to ask, “What’s really going on here?” Instead of reacting defensively, you lean in with curiosity. Instead of feeling like opponents, you become a team again.

This is the heart of RLT: stepping into radical accountability and learning new skills to build emotional closeness. It’s not about blaming or shaming—it's about growing.

Some of the shifts we help couples make include:

• Moving from defensiveness to openness.

• Replacing criticism with clear, loving communication.

• Recognizing the deeper wounds that drive conflict—and learning how to heal them together.

Therapy That Meets You Where You Are

We know life is busy. Whether you’re in Metro Atlanta, West Georgia, or beyond, Therapy Co. Counseling is here to help couples create lasting change. Sure, you’ll learn skills and tools for relationship health, but what happens when you go home and a fight happens and those skills go out the window? We work with the part of you that won’t use those skills when you go home…the deeper parts of you that are driving the relational issues in your marriage. Our team offers both in-person and virtual therapy sessions so you can access expert support in a way that fits your schedule. Busy and can’t come weekly? We offer intensives so you can deep drive and cover a lot of ground in a few hours or a half a day..whatever prolonged length of time you agree upon with your therapist.

And let’s face it: the most important investment you can make isn’t in a car, house, or vacation—it’s in the health of your relationship. When you and your partner are connected, everything else in life becomes easier to navigate. Couples who are connected have improved health, make more money, have happier children.

Ready to Transform Your Marriage?

Your relationship doesn’t have to stay stuck in the same patterns. At Therapy & Co. Counseling, we use proven techniques, including Relational Life Therapy, to help you create a relationship built on mutual respect, deep understanding, and lasting intimacy.

Schedule a consultation with us today, and take the first step toward a stronger, healthier, more connected marriage.

You deserve a love that grows—and we’re here to help you find it. Email or call/text to book a free phone consultation with one of our therapists.

When the Honeymoon Phase Ends...And How to Get it Back

When you first meet and fall in love with someone, it is exhilarating. It feels fun, new, and exciting, and there is a spark, passion, fireworks even! You’re sending thoughtful texts, saying all the right things, taking time to bring your best self to the table to make a good impression. Maybe you care a little more about how you dress, how you smell, how you look, your breath, keeping a clean car, having good manners during a date. Maybe you shave more often, fix your hair, get a wax or a manicure. Maybe you seduce your partner with sexy words, thoughts, or pictures, or activities. Perhaps you wear that sexy little negligee or spontaneously pounce.

So you decide to get married. And maybe have kids. And then you're trying to cram sex into a 15 minute window after the kids are asleep, with leg stubble, before the exhaustion or headaches set in. And all of a sudden, you're at the place you swore you’d never be and realize that the honeymoon is over.

It is totally natural and normal for our romantic relationships to take a backseat, especially after responsibilities, mortgages, and kids are in the scene (much less the daily wear and tear of life).

But the honeymoon phase can be revitalized with one word: EFFORT.

In the beginning, if we had a date planned, we had days to sit and think about it. What will I wear? Where will we go? What will we do? Where will we eat? Who will make the first move? What will we talk about? Will he propose? Will she let me get to third base? Etc. We have time to create anticipation! We get to wonder, fantasize, percolate, simmer, creating an intoxicating concoction for the psyche and the libido.

In the beginning, you put forth effort.

Planning the right date or activity.

Telling your partner how excited you are and are looking forward to time together.

Not being caught dead with hairy legs.

Making sure you don’t pass gas or let your date watch you poop.

Opening doors or pulling out chairs.

Not complaining when she orders the more expensive dessert or wine.

Making sure you're turned into your date/partner and not zoned out on your phone, sitting in silence.

Being kind, charming, considerate.

Asking about shared hobbies, interests, how their day went, what they want in life.

Refraining from talking about unsexy stuff like your hemorrhoid, debt, or the color of your child’s snot.

It is no wonder that one of the most common problems we see in our office is boredom, feeling like roommates, feeling no passion or romance, and like the honeymoon phase is over.

That is a really scary place to be because then you may wonder:

• Is this as good as it gets?
• Is something wrong?
• Are we normal?
• Is my partner un-attracted to me?
• Am I good enough?
• Why don’t I have any desire in me?
• Why aren’t we having sex?
• I love my partner, but maybe we aren't in love anymore.
• I wish it was how it used to be.
• Maybe I married the wrong person.
• Maybe monogamy isn’t for me.

Or maybe you:

• Flirt with friends or coworkers.
• Consider an affair.
• Work more.
• Hook up with someone else.
• Keep it a secret and hope for the best.
• Start nagging your partner to be more romantic.
• Start pressuring your partner for more sex.
• Drink or smoke more, or partake in recreational drug use.
• Feel disconnected.
• Start fighting.
• Stop having sex altogether.
• Try to use new positions and toys to spice things up.
• Resort to porn and more frequent masturbation.

This is just a small list. Keeping the honeymoon phase alive or revitalizing it requires being mindful. Ensuring we stop falling into roles that don’t allow a sex life to exist...roles that fuel regrets, nostalgia from the past, things that you miss because you’re now parents. We must put in EFFORT to make sure that we don’t become too familial with a lover. Nobody has to be a martyr, you’re not sacrificing the sexual part of yourself just because you're no longer singer, young, free, and so forth. No need to give up that part of your life. It just takes work to keep it an adventure with your lover.

Esther Perel, a well-known couples and sex therapist, refers to this as “mating in captivity.” In fact, she wrote a book called “Mating in Captivity.” Basically, we can’t take each other for granted. Domesticity, responsibility, safety, security, comfort, companionship all make for a great marriage, but leave little room for eroticism. And we wonder why the romance fizzles. We have to learn to balance stability and spontaneity. If you're mating in captivity and feel like you're in this “cage” with your partner, rather than being pissed that you're in the cage with only one other person, consider where within the cage can you roam? What can do you do within this space? How can you get creative? Can you swing from this tree over here? Or jump on that stump over there?

Consider this a new beginning. Would you want to date you? What advice would you give your best friend who came to you with this problem? How do you treat each other now verses when you were first dating? I guarantee there was more effort involved. And if putting in work sounds tiring, just know, it is more work and more uncomfortable to stay in a crappy place sexually than it is to do and try fun new things.

So go out there, put in some effort, bring your best self to the table. Consider sex therapy.

If you want some help getting started or want to see if you're on the right track, call us to make an appointment at 678-796-8255, or schedule email coaching, book online, or request a free consultation with our sex therapist.

The Thing You're Doing That's Killing Your Sex Life

I often hear my female clients say  “My husband is like having another child.”  “I have to tell him how to do everything: how to load the dishwasher the right way, remind him about his doctor appointments, tell him where the kid’s pajamas are, or tell him how much money is in our bank account, or that he should stop looking at his phone (porn/video games/etc) all The time and look at me instead.”

I often hear my male clients say “My wife nags me and is always on my ass. It seems like I can’t do anything right. If I help out with the kids, I didn’t do it her way or the RIGHT way, if I ask how to do it to please her, she's mad that I don’t just know how to do it, and if I don’t do it at all, then I’m really screwed. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”

(Sometimes we see these roles reversed, but this is the example we are using for the sake of the point we are about to make.)

Does it feel like you have to parent your spouse? Or does it feel like you spouse is policing and critiquing your every move? Then, this is for you.

If you get caught up in mommying or daddying your partner, or treating them like an employee, then it is KILLING your libido. Who wants to have sex with a micromanaging boss? Or their parent? It is a total turn off. Wives end up emasculating their husbands (cutting their testicles off) and the husbands end up making their wives feel like they are lackluster employees or little girls getting scolded by the principle. This leaves us to respond in 1 of 2 ways:  we either get compliant to “please” or we want to “rebel.” Both of which are major boner killers (lady boners included).

So, without getting offended,  I ask you to consider how might you be parenting your spouse, treating them like a child, infantilizing them, protecting them? The result is almost always a power struggle which leads to conflict and discord both in and out of the bedroom.

Learning to have difficult conversations as adults means we have to stop acting like toddlers and start acting like grown ups so that we can start negotiating as LOVERS, which is what you were to begin with anyway, right? This means we have to learn how to ask for our wants and needs to be met without DEMANDING or setting unrealistic expectations that are rigid and don’t allow for any flexibility. If you want a lover  or An equal, you have to dig deep and be willing to examine what responses, actions, and reactions you have that create the opposite effect. And for what it’s worth, we all have a little work to do it this department. The really hard part is being willing to do the work.

“But doing the work feels like effort! I’m already tapped out!”

I get it. And totally understand that it does seem like effort you invest with possible little or questionable return on your investment. However, I challenge you…. whatever you're doing now also takes a lot of effort. Staying stuck, mad, frustrated, unappreciated, unhappy, unloved, unsexy, bored and fighting about it is draining your energy and sucking the life out of you and the sex out of your relationship. Sitting in a dry desert without any water is hard. Walking to a water source when you’re wilted and exhausted is hard. But finally drinking some fresh, cool water is revitalizing and worth it to be revitalized. I promise you, sitting in the dry Desert, thirsty, is much harder. Don’t be afraid of the work if it will breathe life, love, and romance back into your relationship.

In the meantime, be aware of your actions, reactions, and interactions with your partner. Are you angry? Frustrated? Why? Are you going into mommy-mode/daddy-mode or playing cop? Can you express your feelings, needs, wants clearly, kindly, and without blame or critique? Can do you it in a way that doesn't create emotional contagion that runs rampant and uproots the good seeds that have been planted?

Feel like you need some help with this? Unsure of how to talk as lovers instead of parents? Want to feel like lovers again? One of our marriage therapists or sex therapists can help you learn how to level the playing field and rev your sex life back up! Call today at 678-796-8255, schedule online, or inquire about affordable email options to get started!

The Question You Need to Stop Asking if You Want to Have More Sex

We hear it all the time in our office: My partner isn’t interested in sex.

"I do my best to help out with household duties or kids, or provide to the best of my ability, to be a good friend (and if you struggle doing those things, stop reading this post and call us ASAP!), but it seems like no matter what I do every time I ask 'want to have sex?' That I am shot down."

“I’m tired.”

“I have a headache.”

“I don’t feel good.”

“I have to get these dishes done.”

“It is late.”

These are common responses we often hear. But the problem isn’t what you think. It isn’t necessarily in any of those excuses/reasons. Not that they aren’t true to some extent. But the problem lies in the question.

“Want to have sex?”

“Wanna do it?”

“Can we have sex?”

And often times it is preceded or followed by a crotch grab, ass pinch, or nipple flick. Not the BEST way to turn your partner on. Additionally, this question forces your partner to contemplate 2 things: Am I feeling DESIRE right now (Do I WANT to have sex) and am I AROUSED (is my body having a physical sexual response such as lubrication, erection, tingling between the legs). Neither of which are often the case simply because there hasn’t been enough time to get there. You’re expecting your partner to perform on the spot. This kind of spontaneity is tough to come by (more on that in a later post). And unfortunately, the answer is NO more times than not. And the reason for that is that the question creates the sense that sex is yet another thing that must be checked off the to-do list, making it feel like a chore. And how many of us get turned on by thinking of chores? If you want your partner to stop feeling like sex is a chore, stop asking that question.

Instead, ask THIS question:

Are you OPEN to the IDEA of sex? Or Are you OPEN to the IDEA of getting turned on?

This question gives your partner the option to say yes without it feeling like this obligatory “i have to say yes to keep my partner happy” thing. Now, they are giving you the opportunity for sex to be a possibility. Then you can take steps to turn your partner on and get them from being open to the idea to willing to be with you sexually. This allows for more fun, more passion, more foreplay, more arousal. It isn’t that your partner isn’t in the mood. You just have to help them get there.

If you aren’t sure what turns you on or turns your partner on, or are still having a hard time in the bedroom or just wonder if your sex life is normal, ”sex therapy can help. Call us today at 678-796-8255 to schedule an appointment, sign up for email coaching, or book online with our sex therapist and let’s see if we can help you turn the heat up.

How to Deal When Conflict is Hard

Conflict in relationships is one of those things that gets a bad reputation. Much like discomfort or pain. We sometimes mistakenly assume that relationships should not have moments of conflict, despair, frustration, discomfort, or pain. It is important that we learn what conflict really means so that we can deal with it accordingly. Typically in couples dynamics, conflict is not usually the problem we face, it is knowing how to deal with it in a way that doesn’t create calamity in our relationships. To have conflict is to be normal. But to avoid conflict, discomfort or pain is to sabotage an opportunity for growth. Conflict is really just growth trying to happen in your relationship.

Let’s talk about our tasty crustacean friend, the lobster for just a moment. Lobsters have a hard outer shell and a soft fleshy inside (similar to many of us at times, right?) So, how do lobsters actually grow if they have this hard, fixed shell? Doesn’t the lobster feel trapped or stuck? The lobster doesn’t start out full grown, so how did it grow to begin with? How will it continue to get bigger?

Well, what we know about lobsters is that their bodies/brains generate a signal to them that it is time to grow...time to shed the current shell and create a new one that is bigger. Guess what that signal is? Discomfort and pain. As soon as the lobster begins to outgrow his shell, he becomes uncomfortable. This triggers to the lobster that it is time to grow. He then retreats to a rocky area where he buries himself in the sand away from predators, and he begins the process of shedding his old shell, revealing only the soft fleshy skin and making him very vulnerable to the world around him. During this time, he is able to create a new shell that will have enough room for his growing body. The shell hardens, and he now has room to grow. This process continues throughout his lifespan.

What does a lobster have to do with couples and conflict? Well, first of all, if the lobster went to the doctor and told him he was in pain and uncomfortable, today’s orientation to medicine might suggest that the lobster should have the symptom treated. Uncomfortable? In pain? In distress? Let’s prescribe Mr. Lobster a Valium, a Xanax, perhaps a Lorcet or a Percocet. Let’s get rid of his pain because pain is bad. Right? Not always.

If the doctor prescribed medication to alleviate the lobster’s symptoms, yes, the lobster would possibly be pain free, but the lobster would never truly be able to grow. The doctor would be doing the lobster a disservice, and stunting his brain and his body’s natural ability to regulate growth.

Same goes with couples who are experiencing conflict. Conflict is an indication that growth needs to happen. We are so afraid of conflict and the discomfort and the pain that sometimes comes with it that we fail to see it as an opportunity for change, growth, and ultimately peace and comfort. There is no detour for pain...we can only go through it. Once we go through it, there is a wonderful world of opportunities and possibilities waiting for us on the other side.

If you are conflict avoidant, you walk on eggshells, you try not to rock the boat and please people for the sake of sparing an argument...try something different: Be a lobster. Know that this is a chance to grow, to create change, and to get to where you ultimately need to be.

If you would like some help learning to lean into the struggles in your relationship, we are here for you. We are happy to help you learn to be a lobster, to help you and your mate grow through conflict and deal with it in a way that is healthy and fosters growth and forward motion. If you’re feeling uncomfortable in your relationship, here’s your sign. The time is now and we would love to help. Call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online.

 

Makeover Your Relationship This Week

Feeling a bit at odds with your mate? Like you’ve been at each others’ throats about small, trivial things? You may wish your partner was less irritable, more enjoyable, and more fun--like they used to be. But, it can feel like a daunting task and downright powerless to sit around hoping and waiting for the other person to change, especially after you’ve repeated yourself over and over again. While there aren't any quick-fixes, here are some simple, but effective strategies that YOU can implement turn your relationship around this week.

1. Start with a beginner’s mind.

I bet you can finish your partner’s sentences. You know if you ask them for something or tell them what you want, you can predict their behavior. You know each other so well, it’s like you can see into the future and already know how a situation is going to go down. We often assume the worst. “I’m not even going to ask him to visit my family because all he will do is pout and complain the whole time.” “There’s no point in initiating sex because she will just say no anyway. She always has a headache.” However, this kind of thinking sets up a self fulfilling prophecy at times. Try seeing every situation through a beginner’s mind...this means don’t automatically assume you know the outcome or that it will be negative. Start with a fresh outlook, much like you’ve just met. This will keep you curious, lighthearted, and will help your partner not be so guarded, and thus, open to different responses.

2. Know what buttons to NOT push.

If I asked you to intentionally push your partner’s buttons, I bet it wouldn’t take long for you to know exactly what to do to get your mate to tick, right? You know what they do/don’t like. This means you know what their hot buttons are. This also means you know what to NOT DO to push your partner’s buttons. Simply avoid the jabs that may stir your partner up and find ways to remedy when you do push buttons. For example, if you know your partner likes being on time and the two of you argue when you’re rushed and running late, make every effort to be on time or early to demonstrate care and respect to your partner. This will eliminate any tension or harsh startup that can quickly spiral out of control.

3. Act as if your partner is responding lovingly.

If you’re not noticing much change, and still find your partner being negative, behave as though they had just responded positively, lovingly, and the way you’d hoped. Now think about this: think of a moment when you expect a negative reaction out of your partner….and now think of what your response might look like. It’ll probably be somewhat negative, right? Now, imagine if your partner responds the way you’d hoped and what your behavior/attitude/body language would look like in response. Probably more positive, right? This goes to show you that you have more power and control in the relationship that you may have previously thought. And you can interrupt vicious negative cycles.

Doing these three things can help create a sense of peace, ease, and calm in your relationship and can shift negative interactions into positive ones. It will require some consistency on your part. (Don’t try it for a day and ditch it forever if it doesn’t work). Be patient and stick with it. It might take a few days for your partner to trust that you’re different and these new changes could be here for the long haul. And if there’s less fighting or bickering, there’s time for more important things, like spontaneity, intimacy, laughter, affection, fun, generosity, and kindness.

Need a little guidance trying these out? Or have you tried these, but want to dig deeper? Our couples therapists are ready to work with you to develop strategies to keep your relationship moving in the right direction. Call us today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online.

 

When You Want to Stop Couples Counseling

As couples therapists here at our center, we devote our professional careers to helping couples restore, re-ignite, and rejuvenate their relationships to their former glory and beyond. We are committed to helping couples who feel like they are in a relationship “crisis” or a really rocky place get to a place that feels “good.” And other times, we help couples who are feeling “good” get to a place that feels “great.” Often times that is attainable, and other times, we therapists have our own challenges when a couple decides to end the relationship. We can often see lots of deep, meaningful, and “great” work to still be done, and yet we sometimes will hear the thing we don’t want to hear:

“We have decided to end things, so we won’t be coming back to therapy.”

This decision might make sense to you, but marriage counselors aren’t just here for those who are married. We can do great work even when you decide to split. Here are some things that we therapists wish you knew before you decide to cold-turkey the therapeutic relationship.

Support.

While your answer seems clear now, it is possible you are going to encounter some pain moving forward. Ending a relationship is rarely enjoyable or easy. There may come a time in the foreseeable future that having the support of someone who knows about you and your situation and how you operate in relationships will be beneficial. Well-meaning friends and family may not be able to give you unbiased feedback.

You can't divorce yourself.

It is a false belief that if you end the relationship, you will be free of drama, chaos, or problems. You can divorce your partner, but you can’t divorce yourself. It is important that you have insight about how you relate to yourself, other people, the world around you, and how you relate to problems, challenges, of difficulties you face so that you don’t repeat old relationship patterns and take baggage from unsuccessful relationships into the next one.

Conquer the Fear of Failure.

Ending a relationship is not a failure. A divorce or breakup is not a failure. It is only a failure if you don’t learn something from it. This may mean that you have to take a look at some difficult truths (he/she may not ever change, you may have allowed or tolerated behavior you weren’t ok with, you may have compromised your integrity in the relationship and lost your sense of self, your partner was abusive, etc). At the end of the day, you can walk away smarter, wiser, and more confident about the direction you're heading in.

DeCoupling.

You may need some help navigating how to un-couple from your partner. Do you move out? Try a separation? File for divorce? What is your identity now without this other person? Rediscovering your new sense of self outside the relationship and what brings you joy and happiness will be essential.

You have individual needs.

This can be a great opportunity to shift from couples work to individual work. Just because the relationship didn’t work, doesn’t mean you can’t be a greater version of yourself. You can restore confidence, self esteem, work through limiting beliefs you have about the ended relationship, or sort through shame you may have. You can learn to trust yourself and your own mind, learn how to trust others, and the world around you.

Build Trust.

After a relationship ends, you may feel jaded, cold, resentful, or you may put a wall up in future relationships. Working with a therapist individually after the relationship ends can help you learn the ingredients of trust, what to look for, and how to ultimately be true to yourself.

Set the Stage for Success.

When you have a greater sense of self, a new identity, clarity on the relationship’s demise and your role in that relationship, then you are prepared to have closure and re-open the gates to loving again. With a newfound sense of trust, an ability to be authentic, vulnerable, and having rediscovered joy, you are really investing in yourself and the possibility that the next relationship will thrive and you can finally get the love you want.

Are you ready to have peace of mind and heart when it comes to your love life? Whether you’re in a relationship or not, we would love to help. Call us today at 678-796-8522 or schedule an appointment online.

Couples Therapy: A Solution for Anxiety and Depression?

Imagine you’re happily coupled up in a wonderful relationship that you find satisfying and fulfilling. Now, imagine that your partner tells you they love you, but they’re no longer in love with you, or that they’re seeing someone else, or that they want out of the relationship. How might you feel? Worried? Upset? Devastated? Betrayed? Confused? Angry? Brokenhearted? Now, imagine that you’re naturally anxious or depressed but you are in a relationship with someone who can calm you in the storm, will have your back and support you, can bring you back from the edge, and can understand you even in the midst of your emotional pain. If relationship distress can have a negative impact on our emotional and physical health, can’t it be possible that secure relationships can have a positive impact on our emotional and physical health? Research and revolutionary science of romantic love is now suggesting that secure bonds are vital when we are struggling.

As humans, we are wired for connected. In fact, we are the only species wired for connection, and thus, wired for love. When we don’t have it, or when it is threatened, it is like cutting off our oxygen supply. And then, the panic sets in. We make attempt after attempt to be soothed and comforted, but sometimes we ask for love in the most unloving of ways, ways that our partners can’t hear, see, or understand. This leaves us feeling distant and disconnected. Since the brain can’t really differentiate between emotional pain and physical pain, it just senses pain is coming and prepares to either fight the bear, or run from it (cueing the flight or fight response). When we are in this primal panic, we begin to see our partner as the enemy and the source of our discomfort and pain. Love’s function is really about security and survival. In fact, love affects the immune system, and one of the biggest predictors in good outcomes in patients with chronic medical conditions (cancer, heart disease, etc) is a good support system. Some researchers also argue that supportive, loving connection can also be the antidote to addictions.

But in today’s age, we are becoming lonelier, more isolated, and more disengaged from ourselves, the world around us, and unfortunately, those we love. It is not ironic then that we are having higher numbers of stress, overwhelm, anxiety, and depression in our society. We are increasingly ashamed to admit we need people, fearing it makes us too “vulnerable” or too “needy” or “weak.” But, there is strength in love, loving, and allowing ourselves to be loved.

Love works magically to reduce stress hormones, and increasing dopamine levels, working to decrease anxiety and depression symptoms. Love can instill healthy behaviors, keeping us accountable with our health and wellness regimens (Men are more likely to go to the doctor for routine check-ups when in a committed relationship.) While you might not be able to completely eradicate anxiety or depression symptoms, we can certainly work on building bonds with those that we love to combat those symptoms. Many times, we notice a chicken-or-the-egg phenomenon: does my anxiety/depression affect my relationship, or does my relationship affect my anxiety/depression. And the answer is: both. Working with a couples therapist to reconnect, grow intimacy and desire, increase support and understanding, while learning to communicate effectively and be there for one another can be a natural, non-pathological way of managing intense moods or emotions.

Relationships can make the bad times tolerable and the good times extraordinary. And working on this is something that you can do together, which means you get to feel like a team that combats life’s struggles together, already fostering a greater sense of connection and support.

Are you interested in growing your relationship and using your romantic connection to combat stress, overwhelm, anxiety, or depression? We would love to help you and your mate revive a tired relationship or learn to feel closer, more engaged, and trust that you’ll be there for one another. Call us today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online.

Will My Therapist Tell Me to Divorce?

So, you may be thinking about marriage or couples counseling and have started looking for a therapist. Finding the right fit can be confusing and sometimes a bit of a challenge, especially if you don't know what to expect. Many clients are nervous that when they finally do meet with their therapist, they will be met with some kind of fate about the relationship and that they will possibly hear something they don't want to. This is extremely normal and common for many individuals and couples pursuing therapy. If you're wondering if a therapist will tell you what to do regarding your relationship, then we have an answer for you.

Often times, we find ourselves working with 2 kinds of clients when it comes to this topic: the kind who want to leave the relationship and are afraid of being told to stay (whether it is for financial, religious, or moral reasons) and those who want to stay in the relationship but are afraid of being told they are crazy for staying and should thus leave or divorce. So, will we tell you to stay in a relationship or leave it? The answer is no.

We work with lots of couples, and we have seen a little bit of everything. With that being said, we really value marriage and the fulfillment that comes with a healthy and highly satisfying relationship. On the other hand, we also value clients' individual needs and how sometimes the way to live a life of fulfillment means to leave a relationship that doesn't allow for safety, security, and satisfaction. It is our job to meet clients where they are at and support them in their decision making. This means that we are not at all invested in whether you stay in the relationship or leave it. Sounds a little crazy coming from a couples clinic, right?

Here's our reasoning: If we get too invested in you working on your marriage when you really want to leave, you will likely feel judged, unable to be honest in session, and most likely won't see progress because you won't be invested in repairing the relationship. This simply isn't helpful for you. Also, if you really want to stay in the relationship but we are invested in you ending it, then you may feel like something is wrong for you for wanting to stay. Instead, our job is not to force you to stay or leave. Our job is to help you take a look at the relationship as a whole, all of the moving parts within the relationship, and yourself/your mate on an individual level so that you can make the best decision for YOU...and not what your well-meaning friends and family want you to do or think you should do.

We are invested in one thing: your integrity. If you decide to end the relationship, we have your back and will support you in your decision and help you navigate the next steps. If you decide that you're all in and you want to work on the relationship, then we have your back there and will support you in that decision. It is important to us that you get what you need, that you can be honest with your therapist, and that you can make decisions that feel authentic and genuine for you, so that you can begin to live an authentic life where you feel confident about your decisions. After all, they are your decisions...not someone else's. 

You may be wondering, "but what if I am torn and I don't know what decision to make?" That's ok. We can meet you where you're at, explore all your options, consider all factors, and examine your needs so that we can help you arrive at a decision that is best for you and your mate. And if you need some time to figure it all out, that's ok. We will have your back, no matter what.

Ready to start exploring what the next best step is for you and your relationship without judgment or force? We are here to help. Call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule online and let's see how we can get started.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

We begin serious relationships and marriages with the intention that it will last forever. We are hopeful, excited, in love. There is honesty, good communication, passion. We think it will always be this way. So, when you realize that your relationship is not what it used to be or not what you hoped it would turn out like, we naturally begin to ask ourselves “is this as good as it gets?” I get it. It seems like you’ve tried everything and nothing works. It may feel like your partner doesn’t communicate well, or doesn’t understand you, or doesn’t even care to change. You may begin to feel like you’re miserable and can’t help but wonder if it will always be this way or how much longer you can do this, eventually asking yourself “should I stay in this relationship or end it?” Can you relate to this? If so, here are a few tips to consider to help you make your decision.

Consider working with a trained professional.

A trained professional, such as a licensed marriage therapist can help you sort your thoughts and take a look at the bigger picture. It will also give you the opportunity to learn your relationship patterns and help you identify what is making the problem worse. You will get feedback and interventions that can help shake up that pattern so that you and your partner can begin to decide what needs to happen.

Has your relationship always been this way?

It is important that you take a look at if your partner or relationship has always been this way. Consider times when it was different, and take a close look at what was specifically different about those times. Was it different because you had date night? Or because him forgetting to take out the trash didn’t bother you back then? Did you spend more time together? Get back to basics and do things that worked for you in the past.

Are you saying yes out of fear?

If the only reason you are staying is because you are afraid of the unknown and are more comfortable with the familiar, ask yourself if you are compromising your personal integrity. In other words, are you betraying yourself to please others?

Your bottom line & dealbreakers.

Know what patterns or behaviors are absolutely inappropriate in your relationship. Know what your bottom line is that would lead you to walk away from the relationship. For example, could you heal from an affair, but be unable to heal if your spouse let your house go into foreclosure, or vice versa?

Children.

If you and your partner have children, they can certainly impact your decision. Consider what role, if any, your children are playing in your relationship and your decision to stay or leave. Also ask yourself what you may or may not be teaching children about relationships if you stay or leave.

Money.

Financial complications often leave people stuck. They are afraid to make a move because they fear they may not be able to afford to do so. This is common and something to consider when trying to discern if you should stay or leave. Consider what other supports you have in place. On the other hand, couples sometimes fight over money. So take into account if working a different job or taking on a small part time job would take some stress and pressure off your spouse (and thus, improve the relationship).

Pattern of behavior or single event?

Often times, couples struggle with addiction, betrayal, infidelity, abuse or violence, or emotional unavailability. Consider if this behavior is a single event or a repeated pattern of behavior. Did you marry your spouse despite the fact he/she was unfaithful to you prior to the marriage? Does your spouse continue to call you names in front of your children? Did your partner have too much to drink one night and make a bad decision? If there are repeat behaviors, you have to consider if you’re willing to stay if this behavior continues. Also consider if your partner is willing to change this behavior and is open to taking the steps needed to receive support in helping to do so.

Be willing to sit in your truth.

It may mean you have to take a long hard look in the mirror and get real with yourself, or make a difficult decision that you may not want to make. It may be painful to see the truth (not making excuses for your partner or yourself, not minimizing the pain or the behavior or justifying your position, or avoiding thinking about it all together.) It may seem like avoidance can help, but it will eventually make matters worse.

What role do you play in this?

Examine how you may have shaped this relationship. Did you bring your best self to the table? If not, take a look at what would be different about you if you did.

Toxicity.

Sometimes really great individuals don’t always make the best partners for each other. Ask yourself if you as an individual is good for the relationship and if the relationship is good for both of you as individuals.

But there’s someone else.

If there is someone else romantically involved, know that it will be very difficult to work on this relationship/marriage and arrive to a decision when there is someone bright and shiny on the outside. Don’t use your mistress/lover as a healthy comparison to your current relationship. For example, if you’re on a strict diet where you can’t have sugar or carbs, ice cream looks really appealing. So, if you choose to ditch your diet and eat tons of ice cream, it may feel good in the moment. Over time, you may find that you have unhealthy sugar levels and have gained weight. Bright and shiny doesn’t always mean better. If you want to work on your relationship in counseling, it will be important that you stop contact with the third party so that you can bring your best self to the table. This will give you an accurate idea of is this relationship can work rather than a skewed view because you only gave your best 50%. 100% is required.

Coming to a decision is difficult work and there are lots of factors to consider. If you’ve can relate to any of this, and you would like some help sorting out your relationship and deciding if you should stay or go, I’d love to help. You don’t have to do this alone. Call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule online now.

When to Apologize and How to Do it Well

Apologizing is no easy feat. I work with many couples, families, and individuals who are hurting, and want their loved ones to recognize their hurt, and expect an apology in some capacity. But, why is apologizing so hard to do? And if we don’t mean it, should we still apologize? We have conceptualized apologizing as a vehicle for admitting we are wrong,  smoothing things over, or giving in, any of which signify that we may be weak. Contrary to popular belief, it takes great strength and courage to dare to apologize, and here is guide for when to do it, and how to do it well.

When to apologize:

Someone expresses that you’ve hurt them in some way. Whether you’re told (sometimes not so gracefully) that you’ve upset, angered, disappointed, embarrassed, scared, betrayed, etc someone, this person has become vulnerable enough to share difficult feelings and upset with you. When you can acknowledge their hurt, you are vulnerable in response. That mutual vulnerability is the antidote to shame, secrecy, and silence, and thus becomes the basis for human connection, and in couples, it breeds intimacy. Apologizing in this context can be empowering for several reasons: you hold yourself accountable for your actions/reactions, you demonstrate integrity, and the ability to remain non-judgmental when someone is open and honest and vulnerable with you. As a result, TRUST is born.

When you want to feel closer to someone with whom you feel there is distance. An apology has the ability to soothe and heal because it is a form of validation. The reason is because when you acknowledge how you hurt someone (whether it was intentional or not, and whether you agree with it or not), you are really saying “I’m there for you. I care about you. Your feelings are important to me and matter to me. I am willing to listen and understand you, even when it is difficult to do. I’ve got your back.” As a result, TRUST is rebuilt.

How to apologize:

1. Apologize for the thing they are upset about or hurt over.

    I’m sorry for.../I apologize for.../I feel really bad for...

2. Acknowledge their pain by owning your mistakes/wrongdoings/or your role in the pain you caused someone else. This does not mean admitting you’re wrong when you really believe you’re right. This means validating how the other person felt about your actions without justifying your behavior. If you justify your behavior, it doesn’t feel genuine; it’s getting defensive.

    This was wrong because.../It made you feel.../I wish I hadn’t because..

3. Make amends by strategizing and problem solving how you can work to change things in the future. This step trips people up because it is often the missing ingredient in conflict resolution. Making amends means you have every intention of trying not to repeat this behavior and it demonstrates a plan of action.

Next time.../In the future I will…

4. Ask for forgiveness.  Plain and simple. It is a powerful gesture, because it is a humble exchange of vulnerability and power. It is also a way to gather closure that really signifies when a conflict has been resolved. Just ensure that it is sincere, and be mindful of tone of voice and body language as you say it.

Please forgive me.../Will you forgive me.../Can you forgive me

Let’s take a look at these 2 scenarios for example:

“Look, I said I’m sorry if you feel like I hurt your feelings, but you were being a jerk to me. You should know by now I was joking anyway. Besides, I had a bad day and it would be nice if you could understand that. Can we drop it now?”

"I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings. I wish I hadn’t said those things to you because it made you feel sad. Next time, I will do my best to let you know that I’ve had a bad day and I will work on calming down before taking my anger out on you. Will you forgive me?"

Which one would make you feel more heard, validated, and understood? Most likely B! The beautiful thing about this kind of apology is that you will invite the other person to reciprocate the apology process and reflect what they are learning from you back to you. This means when you initiate an apology, you get to be the catalyst for change. Talk about power!

Remember, you don’t have to apologize for feeling some type of way. For example, you’re not apologizing for getting mad. What you are apologizing for is genuinely causing someone else distress. And acknowledging that is how to show love and care. (“I’m not sorry for having a bad day. I am sorry that because of my bad day, I made you feel bad, too.)

Need some help figuring out how to issue an apology for your particular scenario? Or struggling with feeling weak or too vulnerable to apologize? I’d like to help. Call me today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online!

9 Communication Traps to Avoid

The majority of couples that I work with (and even individuals) tell me that communication is a struggle for them. Either they don’t feel heard or understood, or they can’t keep a simple disagreement from escalating to unhealthy levels, or they feel like what they say isn’t important. HOW you argue is more important that HOW OFTEN you argue. If you have daily spats, but are able to address them quickly and create a resolve, that can be more healthy than arguing once a month, but never resolving the issue and communicating in a way that harms the relationship. One of the first steps in learning to communicate clearly and effectively is understanding what to eliminate in your communication style.

1. Criticism. Criticism is a guaranteed way to set up a conversation to fail. Critical comments (when unsolicited) paint the other person’s character in a bad light, usually to make someone right and someone wrong. These statements usually start with the word “YOU” followed by something negative. (You never listen to me, you think you’re always right, you’re just so selfish, you are inconsiderate and thoughtless).

2. Defensiveness. Defensiveness is a natural and triggered response to criticism. It pulls you into playing the game of “let’s find the bad guy” to ultimately decide who is right and who is wrong. Some examples include making excuses or trying to justify your behavior, firing back with your own complaint, saying YES-- BUT (appearing to agree, then disagreeing), or repeating yourself without hearing the other person.

3. Contempt. Contempt is extremely dangerous in relationships because it is intended to insult their character or cause harm. Contempt is like throwing the below-the-belt-punch, or pouring salt on the wound. It is often spiteful and vindictive. Sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, and even laughing at your partner’s hurt, rolling your eyes, or asking rhetorical questions that your partner can’t answer are all communication traps that display disrespect and disregard for the other person. This one has the potential to make or break relationships.

4. Stonewalling. Stonewalling is a form of shutting down and withdrawing to escape conflict at all costs. While it looks like you’re trying to end the conflict, it conveys distance, disconnect, and creates an icy chill that leaves the other person feeling alone. Examples include physically leaving the room during conflict, giving the silent treatment, one-word responses (yep, ok, whatever, sure, nope, alright, fine…).

5. Overgeneralizing. This happens when you attach all-inclusive words such as always, never, everybody, nobody, every time, all. This will suck you into a debate about facts. Saying “You never listen to me” might trigger a defensive response like “That’s not true. I listen to you sometimes.” Again, you get sucked into arguing about who is right and wrong instead of the heart of the matter.

6. Lacking Empathy. When we get pulled into a “who is right and who is wrong” dynamic, it becomes increasingly difficult to really hear what your partner is saying, especially if you’re playing defense. We then begin listening to respond instead listening to understand. (I am going to hear what you are saying but in my mind I am already formulating a response based on how wrong you are versus I am trying to really understand how you’re upset or how that I hurt you or caused you pain--whether intentional or not.) If you can learn to connect and imagine putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, it is easier to attend to what they are trying to communicate to you, and makes it easier to find resolve. The reason is that it will validate the other person’s feelings, and conveys understanding. When they ask themselves the question “are you really there for me?” the answer will be YES.

7. Win vs. Lose. This mentality is a trap for relationships and communication because it implies that if one person is right, the other must be wrong rather than offering the possibility that both parties can be both right AND wrong. It isn’t always an either/or dichotomy. However, even if you can own when you make mistakes, being able to address that can quell the fire and draw you partner closer. At the end of the day, isn’t that WIN/WIN?

8. Lack of Accountability. Accountability is one of the cornerstones of trust. When we fail to acknowledge our role in conflict or someone’s pain and we don’t own it, we lose their ability to trust us more fully. The relationship can then become compromised and begin to break down. Accountability is a measure of integrity, and someone being willing to do the right thing even when it is difficult. Accountability means owning your stuff (not justifying your behavior) and recognizing when you make a mistake, genuinely apologizing that someone experienced pain, making amends, and problem solving how to keep it from happening again. “I took my anger out on you. I did not mean to hurt you. I am truly sorry for that. I will work on not blowing up on you.” vs “Sorry if I hurt you, ok? Let’s just drop it. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but I was upset.”

9. Arguing Perspective. If you were raised to believe the color of the sky is green while your partner was raised to believe it is yellow, you cannot convince them that the sky is infact green any more than they can convince you to believe it is yellow. This is a trap for communication, again, because it sets you up to argue right vs. wrong, making someone a bad guy, and someone the loser of the battle. Understand that both perspectives are valid and have merit. The sooner you can appreciate the other person’s perspective (understand how it makes sense to them) and respect it (that doesn’t mean agree with it), the quicker you can restore connection, empathy, and the ability to resolve conflict quickly.

Do you notice some of these traps happening in your relationship? Want to learn how to change it? Call me today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online!

HOW DOES COUPLES THERAPY WORK?

Perhaps you’re considering working with a couples therapist to improve your relationship, but may be wondering how it works. Here’s a bit about what you can expect to learn when you work with a therapist that specializes in working with couples and relationships.

Your therapist will assess you as a couple, asking questions about your relationship to gather some context and will likely ask some questions about your family to get a bigger picture of everything that is going on that may contribute to the issues popping up in your relationship. Your therapist will be on the lookout for patterns that keep you stuck, deeper issues that suggest what you’re really fighting about, and what it is you’re really trying to communicate to each other. Couples therapy can help you create:

Clarity. Sometimes couples come to therapy trying to decide if they want to work on the relationship or if they want to end it. Working with a therapist can help give you clarity and help you decide if you want to rebuild a marriage, make a renewed commitment, or clarify reasons to end the relationship.

Perspective. Your therapist will teach you that you can’t argue perspective, which is where many couples get tripped up. You will learn to take into account each other’s opinions and perspectives and rather than arguing about which one is right, learning that both are valid. This can provide a neutral territory to help couples work through tough issues or touchy subjects or even put aside emotional baggage that could be holding you back in your relationship.

Education. It is helpful if you know a little bit about how therapy works. Your therapist can teach you a bit about romantic love and how you got off track, offering you some analysis based on your assessment. This information will set the foundation for you, so that you know where you got off track, and what you’ll be working toward. Your therapist will likely explain the process to you, helping you to understand that change won’t happen overnight. Sometimes after leaving therapy, you will either feel good or you will have a fight. Neither means that therapy is or is not working. It just means you’re poking the bear a bit. You will probably feel some relief and get some good traction after a few sessions, but will likely fall into old patterns because they’re just not in your muscle memory yet. Continuing sessions gets you out of that rut and back on track quickly so that you can continue to learn and grow. Each time you hit a rut, it isn’t as deep and you learn to get out quickly without the help of your therapist. Usually, you’re seeing really good progress around session 8-10. It’s kind of like this: imagine you want to lose weight and you’re motivated and committed. You eat healthy and go to the gym for a week, but it probably doesn’t mean you hit your weight loss goal. You may be faced with feeling good or feeling defeated based on your progress or lack thereof. Wouldn’t it be nice if you had someone keeping you on track and motivating you to stick with it? Now imagine you’re a month into your weight loss journey and you’ve seen some progress. It becomes really easy to treat yourself by indulging in cheat meals or slacking at the gym, which will get you back where you started. Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone alongside you see this pattern and encourage you to get back on track? Imagine you’re 6 months into your weight loss journey and now healthy eating and exercise is so ingrained in your daily lifestyle that you can’t imagine doing it differently. After all, you’ve met your goal, you look great, feel great, and perhaps you’re inspired to be a better parent, partner, employee, or friend. Now, it is in your muscle memory.

Communication. One of the biggest complaints I hear from couples is that they don’t know how to communicate. In reality, we are doing a lot of communicating (yelling, blaming, nagging, giving the cold shoulder or silent treatment), and none of it is actually a way to get closer. Your therapist can help you identify what is at the heart of the matter and hone in on what you’re really trying to communicate so that your positive intentions are not masked by hurtful behavior. You will learn how to listen, how to ask for what you need, how to respond in a way that leaves you feeling close and connected, and how to be heard and validated.

Honesty & Vulnerability. You will learn how to be more open than ever. Even if you’re not an “emotional” person or don’t like “deep conversations,” you can learn to communicate longings, fears, and frustrations, which requires some level of vulnerability. You will also learn the importance of vulnerability in a relationship, and what will happen if vulnerability cannot exist.

Conflict Resolution. Many couples learn to communicate well and begin to express when they’re upset or hurt, but many struggle to find a resolve. Working with a couples therapist can help you create solutions that work for both partners, and ask for what you need specifically. This coupled with your other tools gives you a foundation to help you solve future issues.

Trust. Did you know there are multiple ingredients to trust? Your therapist can help you identify the key ingredients to having a trusting relationship. If there has been an affair or a deep betrayal or loss of trust, your therapist can work with you to learn how to get it back by teaching you what to look for and how to have constructive conversations about it.

Intimacy. Couples therapy can help you to address emotional, physical, and sexual blocks that erode your intimacy or your ability to really draw close, engage with one another, and really know one another on an intimate level. This is sometimes the final change couples notice in the relationship, and the one that truly sustains them. Ending couples therapy early can rob you of finally achieving this really important ingredient to lasting love. Once you’ve achieved this, you will be able to say “my partner is really there for me when I really need them and meets my needs,” finally giving you peace of mind...and heart.

Looking for peace of mind and heart in your own relationship? Ready to give couple’s therapy a try? Let’s get started! Call me today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online 24/7!

WHAT HAPPENS IN COUPLES THERAPY?

Considering couples therapy or new to the counseling process? It is normal to be scared and nervous if you’ve never done it before and don’t know what to expect, or if you’ve been to counseling before but are now working with a new therapist.It would likely be helpful if you had some insight to what really happens in couples therapy. While each therapist may be a bit different in their approach, this is just an idea of what it could look like based on how things go when I work with couples. Here is some of what you can expect if you are considering couples therapy.

1. You get comfortable and ready for session. When my clients first arrive, they walk into the lounge/waiting area. It looks like a living room, equipped with couches near the fireplace, soft lighting, and reading material. The waiting room usually isn’t crowded, and I like to keep it that way as best as possible. You will have a moment to use the restroom, have a snack or beverage while you wait. There is not always a secretary or receptionist on duty, so you will have a moment to settle in before your therapist welcomes you and begins session. Depending on your therapist, you may spend a few moments completing paperwork. Some therapists will have you complete paperwork electronically before arriving.

2. Your therapist will greet you and will lead you to the therapy room. You may be offered a cold beverage or hot tea/coffee once in the room. I like to leave almonds and chocolates in the room for my clients, as well as notepads and pens in case you want to take a few notes.

3. In the first session, the therapist will usually spend some time getting to know the both of you, asking questions to gain some insight to your relationship background, and will ask some questions about what is bringing you to therapy. The therapist will be listening and assessing, working to get a sense of what the problem is and how to help you get from where you are to where you want to be. Sometimes, it is difficult to get all of the necessary information about the problem in one session, but the therapist should have a sense of if he/she can help you or not. Toward the end of session, the therapist will offer recommendations based on what is being discussed in session and will talk with you about how to best move forward, working with the you to develop a plan that works best for the both of you. The therapist will usually share a bit about how he/she works best and may provide you with some education about what happened to your relationship, what to expect in therapy moving forward, or you may be given homework or an opportunity to ask questions. Then, if you are a good fit together, you will be rescheduled for your next appointment.

4. In subsequent sessions, your therapist will remain neutral, never judging or blaming you, no matter how shameful or embarrassing the topic may be. You may get some individual time with your therapist to discuss your concerns about your relationship in private. Your therapist also will give you tools, strategies, new insights and perspectives, but they will never tell you if you should end the relationship or not, or if you’re doomed to fail or not. Your therapist presents you with information, and helps you decide where you stand. Your therapist should be invested in you keeping your integrity intact at all times. There may be moments where your therapist challenges you to think outside the box or to begin to think, behave, or relate in new ways that may be difficult at first.

5. As you continue attending your sessions, you will notice some relief and some progress. Your therapist will then discuss with you coming to therapy less frequently, to give you the opportunity to master your new skills independently (think of it like learning to ride a bicycle without training wheels).

6. Once you’ve reached your goals and you feel therapy is over, you will discuss a plan with your therapist about how to move forward, how to recognize warning signs in the future, how to have a plan of action to prevent issues from snowballing into bigger ones, or how you can now take a good relationship and turn it into a great relationship.

Ready to get started with a trained couples therapist? Call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule online 24/7. I look forward to hearing your story!

MARRIAGE COUNSELING EFFECTIVENESS

I often get asked “does marriage counseling work?” The short answer is: yes, it absolutely can. I also hear many spouses who call me say “I want to come, but my spouse doesn’t want to/doesn’t believe in it/doesn’t think it’ll work/doesn’t want to tell our business to everyone.” The Journal of Marital and Family Therapy suggests marriage counseling helps 7 out of 10 couples find great satisfaction in their marriages. But, success and effectiveness in therapy depends on a few factors. Knowing these can make the difference.

Find a good therapist. Your relationship with your therapist is the #1 predictor of success. This means that finding the right therapist is very important. Consider working with someone who specializes in marriage, couples, or relationships. Also, consider their personality. If you get along with them and get a good “vibe” or are treated respectfully, you will get further in your success than if you work with a therapist that rubs you the wrong way.

Timing. The sooner you seek help, the better. Renowned couples therapist and researcher John Gottman’s studies have found that couples wait on average 7 years before seeking help for marital issues. This means the longer you wait, the more difficult it can be to get unstuck and the more resistant you may be to counseling interventions or the therapeutic process.

Education. How well you understand the therapy process can be a predictor of therapy effectiveness. It is up to you as the client to get the most out of your counseling sessions. Your therapist is a guide and a facilitator for change and is responsible for providing you with information and insight, thus acting as a consultant, not the FIXER. You can get the most success if you integrate and apply what you learn in session outside of the therapy room.

Motivation. Your motivation level can determine how effective marriage counseling can be. Are you both committed to the marriage and its repair? Are you invested in bringing your best self to the table and doing the sometimes difficult and uncomfortable work that comes with marriage counseling? Counseling is most effective if you both have bought into the process. 

Know your stance. Be as clear as you can about where you stand in your marriage. Sometimes “marriage counseling” is really “divorce counseling” because both people have already given up, and sometimes it is “discernment counseling” because one person is ready to give up while the other wants to repair the relationship. If this is the case, and you’re having difficulty knowing where you stand, talk with your therapist about it. A trained therapist may be able to offer you discernment counseling to help you decide if you want to improve the marriage or let it go by helping more clear about what you want for your relationship. You don’t have to be 100% certain about what your decision is, but you do have to be 100% committed to the process to help you gain that clarity. 

Goals. Once you know you are committed to the process, have found a good fit for a therapist, and are invested in repairing and rekindling your marriage, take some time to think about what your goals are for your marriage and how to make it tangible. For instance, saying you want better communication is a great goal, but it may not be specific enough to help guide you to what you need to be focusing on. However, if you want to learn to have an disagreement without yelling, name-calling, or without someone leaving the room to end the fight, that gives you something more tangible to work toward, and thus being able to measure your progress.

Ready to get started working with a Carrollton marriage counselor? Call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online 24/7.

HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF MARRIAGE COUNSELING

Feeling nervous or uncertain about marriage counseling? Are you looking for some guarantee that you'll see changes? Worried about putting the fate of your relationship solely in the hands of a stranger? You're not alone! Today, I'd like to share with you some tips on how to get the most out of marriage counseling. These secrets can give you more control in your marriage counseling experience so that you can increase your chances of seeing changes more quickly and getting the results you want.

SELECT A THERAPIST THAT SPECIALIZES IN MARRIAGE THERAPY.

You may not know it, but there are therapists and counselors out there who specialize in certain areas of expertise, and while a generalist may be able to know a little about a lot, you may be able to make better progress if you work with a clinician with a marriage therapy speciality. Be on the lookout for the letters LMFT behind a therapist’s name, which stands for Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Or, ask your counselor or therapist of interest how many couples they see each week in their office or what percentage of married couples they work with to get a sense of if they will be a good fit or not. Think of it this way, if you had a heart problem, you may be better served if you sought out a cardiologist for your cardiac issues rather than continuing to work with your general practitioner.

PICK A THERAPIST YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH.

This is really important. If you don’t “jive” with your therapist, or you get some gut feeling that doesn’t sit well with you, keep searching. It is important that you work with someone who fits your style, understands your personality, and is caring and compassionate regardless of the details you bring to the table. I’ve heard of married couples who have worked with a therapist (who probably didn’t specialize in marriage therapy) who told the couple they just needed to go ahead and divorce. If you get that advice, and it doesn’t sit well with you, please continue searching. There IS a therapist out there (like me!) who won’t tell you that you’re relationship is doomed from the start. Some therapists may be able to incorporate some humor, some religious beliefs, some homework, or whatever you feel comfortable with. Don’t forget that therapists are people, too, and you need to work with someone you like. Otherwise, you may not get what you need.

BE HONEST.

Once you have found a therapist you can feel comfortable with, it increases the likelihood that you’ll be open and honest. Be willing to talk about difficult truths, otherwise, your therapist is only left to fix or help you repair a lie, and that will be a waste of your time and money. If you don’t feel comfortable being honest with your spouse in the room, as the therapist for some individual time to express your concerns.

BE PATIENT.

Your relationship probably didn’t get into a rut overnight. It also won’t get out of the rut overnight. Unfortunately, therapists don’t have a magic wand they can wave to immediately remedy complex marriage concerns. Sometimes it takes a few sessions before you start to see some positive traction, this is because there may be weeks/months/years worth of anger, hurt, or resentment to sort through to begin to make sense of how you got into the rut. Find out how your therapist does his/her best work to accelerate progress. Think of it like this: if you wanted to lose weight, you probably wouldn’t see progress after 1 workout or 1 healthy meal. You’d see progress after the weeks or months of effort.

ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED.

There is no one-size-fits-all kind of therapy. Therapists are constantly customizing the process to fit your situation and your needs. If you need more or less of something, have a discussion about it with your therapist. This ties into finding out how your therapist does his/her best work. If your therapist does their best work if you come weekly, have a conversation with them if you can only come twice monthly. They may be able to give you longer sessions, or a special time slot, or a VIP session to fit your needs. Otherwise, your therapist has no clue how to tweak your sessions or their approach unless you’re willing to communicate what you need.

BE VULNERABLE.

This is a tough one. Being willing to speak from the heart and discuss your deepest longings or deepest fears is difficult. But, it is also one of the most powerful things you can do in therapy. It is a version of being open and honest, but it also gives you the opportunity to be authentic. Often, we put up walls and keep people out to protect ourselves, but being vulnerable in a safe place (in session) can give your spouse the opportunity to really get to know your authentic self. I’ve seen spouses who feel “numb” or “angry” or like they don’t know if they want to be married anymore...keeping their partner at a distance. But, when they get vulnerable and talk about how they may feel sad, or despondent, or lonely, it gives their mate a glimpse of what’s really going on, and can give them permission to draw closer.

TAKE NOTES.

Be willing to attend session with a notepad and a pen if your therapist doesn’t have some for you to use. This is a great way to remember the take-away points. Jot down the “light bulb moments” or things you learned in session, or what stood out to you. This will allow you to look back and reflect. It is also a great way to continue to get your bang for your buck. Rather than meeting with your therapist to repeat previous content (that you may have forgotten), you can refer back to your notes. Taking notes can make it easier to implement what you learn each session. It can also make it easier to come to your next session with questions, insights, or new challenges that you want to focus on.

IMPLEMENT WHAT YOU LEARN EACH WEEK.

One error in thinking that many married couples make is that the therapist is doing all the work, or that all the work occurs in session. The couples that make the most progress are the ones who implement what they learn in session OUTSIDE of their session time. If you learn fair-fighting skills, you will not make the progress you want if you only practice those skills in session. Be willing to implement those skills in between session or to do your homework that's been assigned to you. That is where the real work and the real change occurs.

DISCUSS IT WITH YOUR SPOUSE AFTERWARD.

Reflect on session with your spouse. Talk about what you learned about each other. Also, talk about what you learned, noticed, or observed about yourself. Many married couples find themselves in trouble after they’ve spent months or years avoiding difficult conversations or neglecting the need to check-in with each other to see what’s working well in the relationship or what could make the marriage richer. Beginning to talk outside of session gets your wheels turning and gives you some momentum to move forward. It is also a wonderful way of communicating that your marriage satisfaction is a priority.

COME TO APPOINTMENTS CONSISTENTLY.

Research shows after 10-14 days between sessions, that you can lose therapeutic benefit. This means that if you come to therapy once a week for 8 weeks, you will see better progress than if you spaced those sessions out over the course of 6 months or a year. This means that in the long run, you save time, money, and possibly even your marriage. Follow your therapist’s recommendations. In my experience, the couples who follow recommendations and show up consistently see progress more quickly.

DON’T GET DISTRACTED BY DETAILS

Sessions typically last between 45-60 minutes, unless you request longer sessions. It is easy for session time to fly by. Resist the temptation to spend the session time discussing WHAT your last argument was about. It doesn’t matter if it was money, sex, kids, or who forgot to take out the trash or feed the dog. What will be important is if you spend your time instead focusing on HOW you argue. Do you yell? Shut down? Call names? Leave the house? Your therapist can help you pinpoint your relationship patterns which will be key in seeing changes in your marriage. Your therapist doesn’t necessarily need to know the he-said, she-said details to see your pattern. Focusing on the bigger picture rather than getting lost in the details can save you time, and money, thus helping you see progress more quickly.

SELF PAY.

While paying out of pocket is not always desired or inexpensive, it certainly has its perks when considering marriage counseling. In order for insurance to pay for marriage counseling, one spouse must be diagnosed with a mental disorder. This means that the scope of your therapy focus will be centered around treating that diagnosis, not necessarily your marriage concerns. It also means that you will have a mental disorder diagnosis on your permanent medical record, which can affect your insurance premiums or long-term life insurance. It also means that your therapist may have to communicate with the insurance companies about your treatment and may have to write a report that says you are getting better, but you are still “sick” enough to require treatment for that disorder. This puts some limits on confidentiality. If you choose to self pay, it means you and your therapist get to decide what to work on and when, and that means without diagnosis one spouse with a disorder. As a result, you get to hit the ground running in session and really get to focus on the heart of the matter, and you have increased privacy and confidentiality. you get the FREEDOM to work in a way that is a fit for you and your marriage and not dictated by others.

INVEST IN YOURSELF

Therapy is not easy, nor inexpensive. We therapists get that. It is an investment. That means marriage therapy isn’t for everybody. It is for people who want to invest in their marriage, their commitment, themselves, and their spouse. It is for those who really want to maximize their experience with their spouse, whether it is to improve sex, parenting, communication, or intimacy and trust. To get the most out of this process, be willing to invest in yourself. Learn about how you operate in relationships. This doesn’t necessarily mean you tell your therapist about everything your spouse does wrong. You can often see progress more quickly if you learn early on how you can bring your best self to the table. Rather than focusing time and energy on how to change your spouse, discover how you can be the catalyst for change by bringing your best foot forward.

Now that you know how you can maximize your marriage therapy experience, you may be more inspired to take action. In my experience, the couples who take in this information, follow recommendations, and really do the subtle behind-the-scenes work are the ones who transform their marriages most rapidly. I’ve worked with couples who in 3 months went from considering divorce to feeling blissful in their marriage and experiencing another honeymoon phase. Knowing that you can have some tips to increasing therapy effectiveness can be empowering and reassuring. And that is what I want for you, to feel empowered and reassured that there is hope for your marriage.

If you’re ready to make an investment in your marriage and yourself, and want to work with a licensed marriage therapist in the CARROLTON area who is caring and compassionate, call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online 24/7.

WHEN WE STOP TAKING CARE OF THOSE WE LOVE

Recently, on social media, a mother’s account about the ever-changing role in motherhood caught the attention of mothers across the world. The article was titled

Recently, on social media, a mother’s account about the ever-changing role in motherhood caught the attention of mothers across the world. The article was titled “When Did I Last Wash Your Hair?” It revealed how we often forget to savor the small moments in our relationships with our children, and how this mother didn’t know that the last time she washed her daughter’s hair would be the last time. She went on to state:

“Why didn’t I know it was the last time? If I would have known, I would have done a better job, or made it last longer, or kissed her head or something. I would have DONE SOMETHING!” 

Further into the article, she discussed how she was afforded a second chance after her daughter fractured her wrist, transforming her independent daughter into someone who, once again, needed her mother’s help. She was able to wash her daughter’s hair with a new perspective:

the wisdom to know that every moment is sacred if we can slow down enough to see it. 

This article made me think about the clients I work with. We are often so plagued by the annoyances and nuances of our partners, that we forget to view each moment as sacred. We begin to view them through the lens that makes them the enemy, not the ally. We sometimes distance emotionally and physically. 

I often work with couples who are trying to survive an affair, and typically the first response is anger and hurt. This is normal, valid, and important to process through. But sometimes what happens is we begin to create a dynamic where the adulterer is the problem, the bad guy, the one to blame, and the perpetrator so to speak, making the other partner the victim. The “victim” can certainly feel “victimized”, shocked, betrayed, and blindsided, and it is easy to sit in that pain, sometimes becoming paralyzed by it.

It is important to note that affairs (whether emotional or sexual) are usually an attempt to solve a problem in the relationship, and are essentially a cry for help. Healing can begin and trust can be re-established especially when both parties are willing to take a hard look at how they shaped the relationship, and how the affair made sense in context. Taking a look at some hard truths requires us to take accountability for our behaviors (or lack thereof) and how we may have drifted from bringing our best version of ourselves to our relationship table. Our relationships often serves as a mirror for us and reflect back what we are putting into the relationship.

What does this have to do with the article I mentioned before? Being willing to slow down and see each moment as sacred can change the way we see our romantic relationships. Some of the clients I work with finally reach this point and are brave enough to see past the anger and hurt and examine those hard truths. Sometimes they say things like this:

“I was so hurt that my husband cheated on me and we finally sat down to talk after being apart for some time. When I looked at him, I noticed his skin was rough and his toenails had not been clipped. I realized, I used to take care of those things for him, and now I can’t remember the last time I clipped his toenails or rubbed lotion on his body.”

“Before bed, I used to always make my husband sandwiches for lunch the next day. He never appreciated me. I felt like he didn’t need me, so I stopped making his sandwiches. I don’t remember the last time I made him a sandwich.”

“When I was dating my wife, I made sure to compliment her. She was so beautiful and fun and sexy. After we got married, it was great because she knew I felt that way about her and I didn’t have to remind her all the time. We didn’t have to talk about it. But I can’t tell you the last time I looked at her, you know, really looked at her, and told her all the things I found beautiful or attractive about her.”

When was the last time I washed your hair?

When was the last time I clipped your nails, or put lotion on you, or made you lunch, or told you that you were beautiful, or held your hand and kissed you just because?

Whether those questions regard your child or your spouse, I invite you to dig deeper and be willing to answer them. Be willing to slow down and appreciate those moments. Be willing to continue taking care of those who need us, whether they seem to appreciate it or not. Be willing to not just HAVE love; be willing to DO love, BE love, and MAKE love.

Ready to go deeper? Whether you’re healing from an affair, trying to affair-proof your marriage, or just trying to be more present in your relationship, call today at 678-796-8255 for a consult or schedule online 24/7.

3 REASONS WHY MARITAL ISSUES CAN BE A GOOD THING

We live in a culture where admitting to problems in our relationship is difficult, but seeking help for those problems is even more difficult. 

Often times, we are quick to turn to well-meaning friends and family, only to ensue in a spouse-bashing session or to hear advice that is not quite so helpful rather than working with a skilled professional. Other times, we minimize the problem, pretend it doesn’t exist, and we portray the perfect image of what our relationship “should” look like. 

In fact, most couples today wait an average of 7 years before they seek help with a problem. 7 years! Can you imagine the hard feelings, hurt, anger, resentment, or unmet needs or “bad” behavior that can happen in 7 years? It appears that we do these things because there is such shame tied to what it must mean for us if we do find ourselves struggling in our relationships with others. Today, I’d like to offer you 3 reasons why having problems in your relationship can be a good thing.

You’ve maxed out your current relationship potential.

While this sounds like a bad thing, it is actually a benefit. If you’ve maxed out your current relationship potential, it is a signal that you and your partner are ready for a change & ready to grow. Let’s think of it like this: if you’ve been going to the gym for months and really focusing on your health and nutrition and things are going well for you, you may notice after a while that you begin to plateau. While maintenance can be handy, it sometimes keeps us from continuing to improve. Sometimes we need help breaking a plateau. This means we have to dig deeper, work a bit harder to create some momentum again. The same is true for relationships. If you’re at a plateau (feeling stuck, or in a rut), it means progress and change are just around the corner if you’re willing to explore it.

2. Your relationship now becomes the priority. 

Breakdowns in communication, parenting, or sex can be a good sign if we treat them as a cry for help. If we leave those issues unattended, we are neglecting our needs as well as the needs of our partner. Making the step to work with a trained therapist can shift our focus from the chaos and business of daily life to our relationship, ultimately helping us get more acquainted with each other and making the relationship the priority. I often see couples who come into session on their days off, and turn it into a mini-retreat, spending the day having lunch, shopping, and talking together. Other couples I see elect to find a sitter for the evening and treat themselves to a date, often having dinner either before or after session. Having someone hold you accountable to focus on your relationship satisfaction can be an intervention in and of itself.

3. You now have the opportunity to get closer. 

Working on your relationship is an investment in yourself, your mate, your relationship, and your future. Increasing the awareness about the breakdowns in your relationship and making your relationship the priority can help you grow even closer to your partner. A couples therapist can help you evaluate what your emotional needs are as well as what behavior changes are a reflection of getting those needs met, and as a result, you can feel more connected, close, and engaged than ever. This will create a stronger foundation in your relationship, making you more resilient to future issues that may arise, and of course leaving you feeling more fulfilled and satisfied. 

Feeling overwhelmed, underloved, or underappreciated? Noticing breakdowns in your communication, trust, parenting, or sex life? If you’re inspired to invest in yourself and relationship, we’d love to help. Don’t wait 7 years. Let’s tackle small issues while they’re still small and get excited about growth and change. 

Call us at 678-796-8255 to speak with a licensed couples therapist about the warning signs you’re noticing. Ready to dive in? Schedule an appointment online 24/7.

The Kiss of Death In Relationship

Christmas is quickly approaching. Sometimes the season is a little more exhilarating for some more than others. But nonetheless, we live in a culture where we are expected be cheery, delightful, spirited, and excited about the holiday craze. Before we know it, we find ourselves deciding what people we will be buying gifts for, what we will buy them, and how much we will spend on them. Sometimes, even those of us with the best of intentions can find ourselves thinking things like this:

“I’m not spending much on so-and-so this year...they always buy me a crappy gift.” 

“They never spend as much on me as I do on them.”

“I’m not buying them anything this year because they never bother getting me anything. Why should I care?”

Many of the couples I work with adopt this same mindset, but it persists throughout the year rather than just popping up at Christmas time. I often hear couples saying things like this:

“He never apologizes first, so I’m not going to either.”

“She never tells me what she wants in the bedroom, so I don’t tell her either.”

“He hurt me, and I want him to hurt back.”

“I’m going to treat him like he treats me and see how he likes that.”

“I gave the kids a bath and got them to bed last time. If you don’t do it tonight, I’m not going to help you when you need it.”

“I will have sex with you if you give me something in return.”

The problem with this mindset is that it is tit-for-tat, becoming cumbersome, burdensome, and full of rigidity, ultimately harboring anger, resentment, or breeding contempt in the relationship. The thing we often forget about love is that we have to give it the space to be genuine, authentic, and vulnerable. This means, we have to be willing to give without a guarantee we will get something in return. If we do things only hoping we will get something back, this becomes less of an intimate relationship and more of a scoresheet...a game where there is clearly a winner and a loser. Love cannot be spiteful or vindictive. 

So, this holiday season, may we remember to give without the expectation of receiving. May we act with integrity and give the gift we truly want to give instead of the gift we should give. May we treat others the way we WANT to be treated, rather than reflecting to them the way they already treat us. 

If this sounds like you, or you feel your relationship is looking more like a scoresheet, consider working with a therapist. A trained therapist will be happy to help you get out of the rut and figure out how to give and receive more love without anger or fighting. It is possible to feel more loved and appreciated in your relationship. 

Call today at 678-796-8255 and let’s see if we can work together or schedule an appointment online.