How to Transform Your Marriage: The Courage to Break Free from Old Patterns

At Therapy Co. Counseling, we know that marriage isn’t about perfection; it’s about growth. Every relationship experiences moments of joy, connection, and intimacy—but also moments of misunderstanding, frustration, and pain. When those challenges arise, many couples feel stuck, replaying the same arguments, avoiding the same issues, or silently drifting apart.

If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve wondered: “Can we really fix this?” The good news is, the answer is yes. Healing is possible, and it starts with what Terry Real, the founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), calls "full-respect living." We like to teach couples how to lovingly goo toe-to-toe with each other where there is mutual respect, a strong back, and an open heart.

Why Patterns Keep You Stuck

One of the most powerful insights in RLT is the idea that we all carry emotional baggage from our past into our relationships. Whether it’s the coping mechanisms we developed in childhood or the ways we’ve learned to defend ourselves, these patterns often sabotage the very intimacy we long for.

Here’s the tricky part: most couples don’t realize they’re caught in these destructive cycles. You may think you’re arguing about money, parenting, or chores, but underneath, you’re likely battling feelings of disconnection, unworthiness, or resentment…and years of either being unable to communicate it clearly, or be heard in a way that moves toward repairing it.

At Therapy Co., we help couples in Carrollton, Atlanta, and across Georgia identify and break these patterns, creating a path to authentic connection.

What Does Breaking Free Look Like?

Imagine this: Instead of replaying that same argument about who’s right or wrong, you and your partner pause to ask, “What’s really going on here?” Instead of reacting defensively, you lean in with curiosity. Instead of feeling like opponents, you become a team again.

This is the heart of RLT: stepping into radical accountability and learning new skills to build emotional closeness. It’s not about blaming or shaming—it's about growing.

Some of the shifts we help couples make include:

• Moving from defensiveness to openness.

• Replacing criticism with clear, loving communication.

• Recognizing the deeper wounds that drive conflict—and learning how to heal them together.

Therapy That Meets You Where You Are

We know life is busy. Whether you’re in Metro Atlanta, West Georgia, or beyond, Therapy Co. Counseling is here to help couples create lasting change. Sure, you’ll learn skills and tools for relationship health, but what happens when you go home and a fight happens and those skills go out the window? We work with the part of you that won’t use those skills when you go home…the deeper parts of you that are driving the relational issues in your marriage. Our team offers both in-person and virtual therapy sessions so you can access expert support in a way that fits your schedule. Busy and can’t come weekly? We offer intensives so you can deep drive and cover a lot of ground in a few hours or a half a day..whatever prolonged length of time you agree upon with your therapist.

And let’s face it: the most important investment you can make isn’t in a car, house, or vacation—it’s in the health of your relationship. When you and your partner are connected, everything else in life becomes easier to navigate. Couples who are connected have improved health, make more money, have happier children.

Ready to Transform Your Marriage?

Your relationship doesn’t have to stay stuck in the same patterns. At Therapy & Co. Counseling, we use proven techniques, including Relational Life Therapy, to help you create a relationship built on mutual respect, deep understanding, and lasting intimacy.

Schedule a consultation with us today, and take the first step toward a stronger, healthier, more connected marriage.

You deserve a love that grows—and we’re here to help you find it. Email or call/text to book a free phone consultation with one of our therapists.

When the Honeymoon Phase Ends...And How to Get it Back

When you first meet and fall in love with someone, it is exhilarating. It feels fun, new, and exciting, and there is a spark, passion, fireworks even! You’re sending thoughtful texts, saying all the right things, taking time to bring your best self to the table to make a good impression. Maybe you care a little more about how you dress, how you smell, how you look, your breath, keeping a clean car, having good manners during a date. Maybe you shave more often, fix your hair, get a wax or a manicure. Maybe you seduce your partner with sexy words, thoughts, or pictures, or activities. Perhaps you wear that sexy little negligee or spontaneously pounce.

So you decide to get married. And maybe have kids. And then you're trying to cram sex into a 15 minute window after the kids are asleep, with leg stubble, before the exhaustion or headaches set in. And all of a sudden, you're at the place you swore you’d never be and realize that the honeymoon is over.

It is totally natural and normal for our romantic relationships to take a backseat, especially after responsibilities, mortgages, and kids are in the scene (much less the daily wear and tear of life).

But the honeymoon phase can be revitalized with one word: EFFORT.

In the beginning, if we had a date planned, we had days to sit and think about it. What will I wear? Where will we go? What will we do? Where will we eat? Who will make the first move? What will we talk about? Will he propose? Will she let me get to third base? Etc. We have time to create anticipation! We get to wonder, fantasize, percolate, simmer, creating an intoxicating concoction for the psyche and the libido.

In the beginning, you put forth effort.

Planning the right date or activity.

Telling your partner how excited you are and are looking forward to time together.

Not being caught dead with hairy legs.

Making sure you don’t pass gas or let your date watch you poop.

Opening doors or pulling out chairs.

Not complaining when she orders the more expensive dessert or wine.

Making sure you're turned into your date/partner and not zoned out on your phone, sitting in silence.

Being kind, charming, considerate.

Asking about shared hobbies, interests, how their day went, what they want in life.

Refraining from talking about unsexy stuff like your hemorrhoid, debt, or the color of your child’s snot.

It is no wonder that one of the most common problems we see in our office is boredom, feeling like roommates, feeling no passion or romance, and like the honeymoon phase is over.

That is a really scary place to be because then you may wonder:

• Is this as good as it gets?
• Is something wrong?
• Are we normal?
• Is my partner un-attracted to me?
• Am I good enough?
• Why don’t I have any desire in me?
• Why aren’t we having sex?
• I love my partner, but maybe we aren't in love anymore.
• I wish it was how it used to be.
• Maybe I married the wrong person.
• Maybe monogamy isn’t for me.

Or maybe you:

• Flirt with friends or coworkers.
• Consider an affair.
• Work more.
• Hook up with someone else.
• Keep it a secret and hope for the best.
• Start nagging your partner to be more romantic.
• Start pressuring your partner for more sex.
• Drink or smoke more, or partake in recreational drug use.
• Feel disconnected.
• Start fighting.
• Stop having sex altogether.
• Try to use new positions and toys to spice things up.
• Resort to porn and more frequent masturbation.

This is just a small list. Keeping the honeymoon phase alive or revitalizing it requires being mindful. Ensuring we stop falling into roles that don’t allow a sex life to exist...roles that fuel regrets, nostalgia from the past, things that you miss because you’re now parents. We must put in EFFORT to make sure that we don’t become too familial with a lover. Nobody has to be a martyr, you’re not sacrificing the sexual part of yourself just because you're no longer singer, young, free, and so forth. No need to give up that part of your life. It just takes work to keep it an adventure with your lover.

Esther Perel, a well-known couples and sex therapist, refers to this as “mating in captivity.” In fact, she wrote a book called “Mating in Captivity.” Basically, we can’t take each other for granted. Domesticity, responsibility, safety, security, comfort, companionship all make for a great marriage, but leave little room for eroticism. And we wonder why the romance fizzles. We have to learn to balance stability and spontaneity. If you're mating in captivity and feel like you're in this “cage” with your partner, rather than being pissed that you're in the cage with only one other person, consider where within the cage can you roam? What can do you do within this space? How can you get creative? Can you swing from this tree over here? Or jump on that stump over there?

Consider this a new beginning. Would you want to date you? What advice would you give your best friend who came to you with this problem? How do you treat each other now verses when you were first dating? I guarantee there was more effort involved. And if putting in work sounds tiring, just know, it is more work and more uncomfortable to stay in a crappy place sexually than it is to do and try fun new things.

So go out there, put in some effort, bring your best self to the table. Consider sex therapy.

If you want some help getting started or want to see if you're on the right track, call us to make an appointment at 678-796-8255, or schedule email coaching, book online, or request a free consultation with our sex therapist.

The Thing You're Doing That's Killing Your Sex Life

I often hear my female clients say  “My husband is like having another child.”  “I have to tell him how to do everything: how to load the dishwasher the right way, remind him about his doctor appointments, tell him where the kid’s pajamas are, or tell him how much money is in our bank account, or that he should stop looking at his phone (porn/video games/etc) all The time and look at me instead.”

I often hear my male clients say “My wife nags me and is always on my ass. It seems like I can’t do anything right. If I help out with the kids, I didn’t do it her way or the RIGHT way, if I ask how to do it to please her, she's mad that I don’t just know how to do it, and if I don’t do it at all, then I’m really screwed. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”

(Sometimes we see these roles reversed, but this is the example we are using for the sake of the point we are about to make.)

Does it feel like you have to parent your spouse? Or does it feel like you spouse is policing and critiquing your every move? Then, this is for you.

If you get caught up in mommying or daddying your partner, or treating them like an employee, then it is KILLING your libido. Who wants to have sex with a micromanaging boss? Or their parent? It is a total turn off. Wives end up emasculating their husbands (cutting their testicles off) and the husbands end up making their wives feel like they are lackluster employees or little girls getting scolded by the principle. This leaves us to respond in 1 of 2 ways:  we either get compliant to “please” or we want to “rebel.” Both of which are major boner killers (lady boners included).

So, without getting offended,  I ask you to consider how might you be parenting your spouse, treating them like a child, infantilizing them, protecting them? The result is almost always a power struggle which leads to conflict and discord both in and out of the bedroom.

Learning to have difficult conversations as adults means we have to stop acting like toddlers and start acting like grown ups so that we can start negotiating as LOVERS, which is what you were to begin with anyway, right? This means we have to learn how to ask for our wants and needs to be met without DEMANDING or setting unrealistic expectations that are rigid and don’t allow for any flexibility. If you want a lover  or An equal, you have to dig deep and be willing to examine what responses, actions, and reactions you have that create the opposite effect. And for what it’s worth, we all have a little work to do it this department. The really hard part is being willing to do the work.

“But doing the work feels like effort! I’m already tapped out!”

I get it. And totally understand that it does seem like effort you invest with possible little or questionable return on your investment. However, I challenge you…. whatever you're doing now also takes a lot of effort. Staying stuck, mad, frustrated, unappreciated, unhappy, unloved, unsexy, bored and fighting about it is draining your energy and sucking the life out of you and the sex out of your relationship. Sitting in a dry desert without any water is hard. Walking to a water source when you’re wilted and exhausted is hard. But finally drinking some fresh, cool water is revitalizing and worth it to be revitalized. I promise you, sitting in the dry Desert, thirsty, is much harder. Don’t be afraid of the work if it will breathe life, love, and romance back into your relationship.

In the meantime, be aware of your actions, reactions, and interactions with your partner. Are you angry? Frustrated? Why? Are you going into mommy-mode/daddy-mode or playing cop? Can you express your feelings, needs, wants clearly, kindly, and without blame or critique? Can do you it in a way that doesn't create emotional contagion that runs rampant and uproots the good seeds that have been planted?

Feel like you need some help with this? Unsure of how to talk as lovers instead of parents? Want to feel like lovers again? One of our marriage therapists or sex therapists can help you learn how to level the playing field and rev your sex life back up! Call today at 678-796-8255, schedule online, or inquire about affordable email options to get started!

The Question You Need to Stop Asking if You Want to Have More Sex

We hear it all the time in our office: My partner isn’t interested in sex.

"I do my best to help out with household duties or kids, or provide to the best of my ability, to be a good friend (and if you struggle doing those things, stop reading this post and call us ASAP!), but it seems like no matter what I do every time I ask 'want to have sex?' That I am shot down."

“I’m tired.”

“I have a headache.”

“I don’t feel good.”

“I have to get these dishes done.”

“It is late.”

These are common responses we often hear. But the problem isn’t what you think. It isn’t necessarily in any of those excuses/reasons. Not that they aren’t true to some extent. But the problem lies in the question.

“Want to have sex?”

“Wanna do it?”

“Can we have sex?”

And often times it is preceded or followed by a crotch grab, ass pinch, or nipple flick. Not the BEST way to turn your partner on. Additionally, this question forces your partner to contemplate 2 things: Am I feeling DESIRE right now (Do I WANT to have sex) and am I AROUSED (is my body having a physical sexual response such as lubrication, erection, tingling between the legs). Neither of which are often the case simply because there hasn’t been enough time to get there. You’re expecting your partner to perform on the spot. This kind of spontaneity is tough to come by (more on that in a later post). And unfortunately, the answer is NO more times than not. And the reason for that is that the question creates the sense that sex is yet another thing that must be checked off the to-do list, making it feel like a chore. And how many of us get turned on by thinking of chores? If you want your partner to stop feeling like sex is a chore, stop asking that question.

Instead, ask THIS question:

Are you OPEN to the IDEA of sex? Or Are you OPEN to the IDEA of getting turned on?

This question gives your partner the option to say yes without it feeling like this obligatory “i have to say yes to keep my partner happy” thing. Now, they are giving you the opportunity for sex to be a possibility. Then you can take steps to turn your partner on and get them from being open to the idea to willing to be with you sexually. This allows for more fun, more passion, more foreplay, more arousal. It isn’t that your partner isn’t in the mood. You just have to help them get there.

If you aren’t sure what turns you on or turns your partner on, or are still having a hard time in the bedroom or just wonder if your sex life is normal, ”sex therapy can help. Call us today at 678-796-8255 to schedule an appointment, sign up for email coaching, or book online with our sex therapist and let’s see if we can help you turn the heat up.

How to Deal When Conflict is Hard

Conflict in relationships is one of those things that gets a bad reputation. Much like discomfort or pain. We sometimes mistakenly assume that relationships should not have moments of conflict, despair, frustration, discomfort, or pain. It is important that we learn what conflict really means so that we can deal with it accordingly. Typically in couples dynamics, conflict is not usually the problem we face, it is knowing how to deal with it in a way that doesn’t create calamity in our relationships. To have conflict is to be normal. But to avoid conflict, discomfort or pain is to sabotage an opportunity for growth. Conflict is really just growth trying to happen in your relationship.

Let’s talk about our tasty crustacean friend, the lobster for just a moment. Lobsters have a hard outer shell and a soft fleshy inside (similar to many of us at times, right?) So, how do lobsters actually grow if they have this hard, fixed shell? Doesn’t the lobster feel trapped or stuck? The lobster doesn’t start out full grown, so how did it grow to begin with? How will it continue to get bigger?

Well, what we know about lobsters is that their bodies/brains generate a signal to them that it is time to grow...time to shed the current shell and create a new one that is bigger. Guess what that signal is? Discomfort and pain. As soon as the lobster begins to outgrow his shell, he becomes uncomfortable. This triggers to the lobster that it is time to grow. He then retreats to a rocky area where he buries himself in the sand away from predators, and he begins the process of shedding his old shell, revealing only the soft fleshy skin and making him very vulnerable to the world around him. During this time, he is able to create a new shell that will have enough room for his growing body. The shell hardens, and he now has room to grow. This process continues throughout his lifespan.

What does a lobster have to do with couples and conflict? Well, first of all, if the lobster went to the doctor and told him he was in pain and uncomfortable, today’s orientation to medicine might suggest that the lobster should have the symptom treated. Uncomfortable? In pain? In distress? Let’s prescribe Mr. Lobster a Valium, a Xanax, perhaps a Lorcet or a Percocet. Let’s get rid of his pain because pain is bad. Right? Not always.

If the doctor prescribed medication to alleviate the lobster’s symptoms, yes, the lobster would possibly be pain free, but the lobster would never truly be able to grow. The doctor would be doing the lobster a disservice, and stunting his brain and his body’s natural ability to regulate growth.

Same goes with couples who are experiencing conflict. Conflict is an indication that growth needs to happen. We are so afraid of conflict and the discomfort and the pain that sometimes comes with it that we fail to see it as an opportunity for change, growth, and ultimately peace and comfort. There is no detour for pain...we can only go through it. Once we go through it, there is a wonderful world of opportunities and possibilities waiting for us on the other side.

If you are conflict avoidant, you walk on eggshells, you try not to rock the boat and please people for the sake of sparing an argument...try something different: Be a lobster. Know that this is a chance to grow, to create change, and to get to where you ultimately need to be.

If you would like some help learning to lean into the struggles in your relationship, we are here for you. We are happy to help you learn to be a lobster, to help you and your mate grow through conflict and deal with it in a way that is healthy and fosters growth and forward motion. If you’re feeling uncomfortable in your relationship, here’s your sign. The time is now and we would love to help. Call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online.

 

7 Ingredients of Trust

Trust is often seen as this big thing that we either have or we don’t. Someone has either earned it, or they haven’t. Trust is sometimes seen as one of those things we have, until it is lost or betrayed. Or it is something we can’t know that we have until someone has taken the necessary steps to ensure they are, in fact, trustworthy. Researchers have begun to explore the anatomy of trust and what ingredients make up trust. Whether you’re starting a new relationship, revitalizing an old one, or trying to recover from betrayal or infidelity, it can be helpful to know how to measure trust, what to look for, and how to detect what’s missing and what can thus be worked on.

Brene Brown, a social worker and researcher in the field, has spent many years trying to understand shame and vulnerability and the role it plays in our relationships to self and others. More recently, she has been exploring the anatomy of trust, what it looks like, how to know when you have it, and how to determine ways to get it back after it has been lost. To understand trust, you must know that trust is not one BIG thing. It is actually a culmination of lots of little things, over time. One handy way to remember these ingredients of trust is to remember the acronym BRAVING. Once you know these ingredients, then you can hone any disagreements that arise and know how to compartmentalize them, keeping you focused, and on track, and better able to ask for what you want and need.

B- Boundaries

Boundaries are essentially the spoken and unspoken rules of relationships. It is what is considered appropriate or inappropriate, what is ok and not ok, what is tolerated and not tolerated within the context of the relationship. Sometimes these are negotiated early in the relationship (let’s be exclusive and monogamous, we are waiting until marriage to have sex, we are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex, we share passwords for email/social media), and sometimes we have conflict because we need to renegotiate a boundary that may have never been set (Can we spend money without consulting with one another? Can I stay out until 3 am without calling you and letting you know of my whereabouts? When is keeping secrets ok?)

R- Reliability

Reliability sounds pretty simple, right? But, sometimes we get this one wrong. Reliability basically means this: do you do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it? Do you say what you mean and mean what you say? Do you follow up and follow through with commitments? If you tell your spouse you’re going to be home by 9pm, are you home by then, or is it after midnight? If you find yourself in an argument, and you point out that now isn’t a good time to talk, and ask if you can discuss things later, do you follow up with that? During a fight, do you threaten divorce only to take it back a few days later once the dust has settled?

A- Accountability

Can you take responsibility for your actions and behaviors? Can you acknowledge your role in negative interactions, apologize (if necessary), and make amends or work to remedy/reconcile the situation? For example, if you got into a heated disagreement with your spouse, and in the heat of the moment threatened divorce, can you go back to your mate and say “I got carried away. I didn’t mean it. I was just angry. Can you forgive me? I am going to work on not threatening divorce when we fight.” Or, “Honey, I hear you telling me that leaving my dirty clothes in the floor instead of putting them in the laundry bin bothers you. I am going to work on putting them in the basket.” Accountability is a great way to demonstrate to your mate that you hear their concerns, that you are listening, and you have the ability to be considerate and work toward bringing your best self to the table and are willing to make a change for the greater good of the relationship.

V- Vulnerability

This one is sometimes challenging for many. Vulnerability means showing up in a way that is genuine and authentic in the relationship. Can you express your deepest fears? Longings and desires? Hopes and dreams? Wants and needs? Feelings? Secrets? Can you embrace your imperfections and allow your partner to see the softer, unexposed sides of you? Sometimes we run into trouble when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with those who have not yet earned the right to hear our story. Once we know they can demonstrate other ingredients of trust, we can begin to be more vulnerable. And, vulnerability is important because it is the key ingredient to long-term, successful and satisfying relationships.

I- Integrity

Integrity is similar to vulnerability in that we need to be able to be our authentic and genuine selves. It also means practicing what we preach, or walking the walk. When we do that, we are in alignment with our values and beliefs and behave in a way that is commanded by our own moral and ethical code. It means doing the right thing even when it is difficult, or doing the right thing even when you don’t get credit, or doing the right thing when nobody's looking. It also means not putting your loved ones in positions where they are forced to compromise your integrity. One example is accepting your partner as they are, rather than “fixing” or “rescuing” them and trying to tweak them into being the perfect mate. Or, if you value honesty and fidelity in a relationship, are you demonstrating those things?

N-Non-Judgment

This requires avoiding criticism and judgment against yourself or your partner. Think about the difference between telling your partner about a mistake you made and hearing “ I can’t believe you! You always screw up! You knew better! What the hell were you thinking?” versus hearing “Ok. You made a mistake. It happens. Let’s figure out how to fix it.” The latter response makes us feel safe, and allows us to be vulnerable and open up to our partners.

G- Generosity/Generous Assumptions

Basically, do we jump to negative assumptions and conclusions about loved ones? Or do we look at them through a lens that allows us to make generous assumptions? For example, “My wife forgot my birthday, and I am so pissed off. She only worries about herself and she probably didn’t even forget, she’s probably not telling me happy birthday on purpose” versus “My wife forgot my birthday and I’m hurt about it, but she has had a lot on her plate, I know she’s stressed, and the baby was sick. Even though I’m hurt, I know she loves me and wouldn’t do that intentionally.” Generosity requires a little grace and mercy at times.

Now that you know the ingredients of trust, think about them like this: Imagine you have a marble jar. Each time someone honors one of these ingredients, it is a marble in the jar. Each time someone doesn’t honor one of these ingredients, it is a marble out of the jar. Your job is to assess whether your marble jar with this person is filled or empty, or somewhere in between. If the jar is full, then this is likely someone you can really trust. If it isn’t full, you now know where to focus your energy and conversations to rebuild trust. Perhaps you renegotiate boundaries, or practice accountability, or being vulnerable.

If you’re not sure where to start, and want to figure out how to rebuild trust in your relationship, our licensed marriage and family therapists are happy to help! Let’s work on filling those marble jars!

Call us today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online.

The New Year’s Resolution You’ll Want to Make...and Keep!

Here we are, in the midst of a brand new year. The rush of the holidays have passed, we are financially recovering from our excess spending, physically recovering from too many holiday treats, and emotionally recovering from too much hustle and bustle or too much time with family members that we, uhhh, prefer to enjoy less time with. The new year marks a new start, a fresh beginning, and an opportunity to better ourselves. We often focus on resolutions like hitting up the gym, quitting smoking, saving more money, or living life to the fullest. But, how often do we make relational goals with our lovers? Why not shift our focus this year to also attending to our relationships?

Setting relationship goals can sometimes be difficult, especially if we don’t know what goals to set, what we are actually trying to accomplish, or how to make them stick. You may start by asking yourself a few questions:

• If I were to go to sleep tonight, and while I was sleeping a miracle happened with my relationship to my lover/partner/spouse, what would be different? (would we talk differently to one another, spend more time together, have more frequent sex, have more fun together? etc..)
• What would make my relationship with my lover/partner/spouse richer? In other words, if we are already “good,” what would elevate our relationship to “great?”
• What worked well for us this year? What did not work so well? What would be ideal? What isn’t ideal just yet?

Now that you have some idea of what can elevate your relationship, it’s time to set a goal that is SMART. SMART stands for specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-sensitive. The SMARTer your goal is, the greater the odds are of achieving the goal. Not having a SMART goal keeps us stuck in a space that is vague, unclear, and without direction. It is kind of like driving around blindfolded and being upset that we don't get to where we want to do. If we have a vision, a map, and a guide, we can arrive to our destination.

First, we have to get specific. Narrow your focus down to a tangible item. For example, rather than just saying “this year I want us to work on our marriage/relationship,” you may be more specific and be able to narrow it down to “this year, I want us to have more sex/better sex.”

Now that you’ve got a specific goal, you can focus on making sure it is measurable so that you can gauge your progress. How will you know you’ve achieved your goal? What will be different? What will there be more of when this goal is accomplished? What will there be less of when this goal is accomplished? What might a fly on the wall observe differently that would indicate you’ve reached this goal? What kind of time frame are we looking at? For example, “we will know we have reached our goal of having more sex when my wife initiates more often”, “when we are having sex more spontaneously,” “we will decrease our weekly arguments from 5x per week to only once per week.”

Once your goal is specific and measurable, we want to ensure it is attainable and realistic. If your goal is to have sex with your partner 7days a week, but your partner’s goal is to have sex once per week, it may not be attainable nor realistic to strive towards having sex 2-3x per day. This is also a good time to consider HOW you will go about achieving your goal and what has been getting in the way thus far.

Finally, you want to make sure your goals are time-sensitive. This will provide a launching pad for you to be able to measure more effectively and to monitor progress. You can set a daily goal, weekly goal, a monthly goal, a quarterly goal, a 6 month goal, or an annual goal. These will serve as checkpoints to keep you on track. Time-sensitive goals not only help you create checkpoints, but they also ensure that your goals are attainable and realistic. If you and your partner have stopped having sex, it might not be realistic to reach your goal of having sex 2-3x per week during the first week.

Putting it all together:

Now that you have all the parts of a smart goal: it is specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-sensitive, you are ready to become action focused. Now you can examine the smallest thing you need to do between now and your time checkpoint to keep yourself accountable and in check. Here’s what it all looks like:

• My lover and I will have a better sex life when we can eliminate electronics in the bedroom and can set an earlier “bedtime” for the next month.
• By the end of 3 months, I will be more spontaneous as evidenced by initiating sex with my partner 2-3x per month.
• By the end of 6 months, we will have sex 1-2x per week by planning date nights each week.
• By the end of next week, I will talk to my partner about what turns me on sexually and will practice asking for what I want/need.

When you lose focus, imagine the possibilities if you were to accomplish this goal. What would it mean for you, your partner, your relationship, your family if this goal were to be accomplished?

This year, my goal is to grow spiritually with my husband. My plan to do that is for us to complete a couple’s devotional/workbook this year, something we’ve never done before. First, I have to have that conversation with him to ensure he is on board. Then, we may need to plan a time to go to a bookstore to explore options for us. After that, we may make the purchase. And finally, set aside the time to do our work and honor that commitment to ourselves.

Once you set a goal in this way, you will find it is easier to achieve. That will help you and your partner to continue with that positive momentum and continue setting goals that grow your relationship in a positive direction.

Unsure what kind of goal to set for your relationship or how to make a plan to make it stick? Feeling stuck?Our trained therapists are here to help you and your lover ignite your relationship this year, whether you’re wanting to feel stable and secure, or wanting to elevate a good relationship to a great one. Our therapists are here to help you assess where you’re at, where you can go, and provide you with the roadmap to get there. Call us today to schedule an appointment at 678-796-8255 or feel free to schedule online. Whatever you do, don’t wait another day. We’ve got big things to accomplish in 2017!

Makeover Your Relationship This Week

Feeling a bit at odds with your mate? Like you’ve been at each others’ throats about small, trivial things? You may wish your partner was less irritable, more enjoyable, and more fun--like they used to be. But, it can feel like a daunting task and downright powerless to sit around hoping and waiting for the other person to change, especially after you’ve repeated yourself over and over again. While there aren't any quick-fixes, here are some simple, but effective strategies that YOU can implement turn your relationship around this week.

1. Start with a beginner’s mind.

I bet you can finish your partner’s sentences. You know if you ask them for something or tell them what you want, you can predict their behavior. You know each other so well, it’s like you can see into the future and already know how a situation is going to go down. We often assume the worst. “I’m not even going to ask him to visit my family because all he will do is pout and complain the whole time.” “There’s no point in initiating sex because she will just say no anyway. She always has a headache.” However, this kind of thinking sets up a self fulfilling prophecy at times. Try seeing every situation through a beginner’s mind...this means don’t automatically assume you know the outcome or that it will be negative. Start with a fresh outlook, much like you’ve just met. This will keep you curious, lighthearted, and will help your partner not be so guarded, and thus, open to different responses.

2. Know what buttons to NOT push.

If I asked you to intentionally push your partner’s buttons, I bet it wouldn’t take long for you to know exactly what to do to get your mate to tick, right? You know what they do/don’t like. This means you know what their hot buttons are. This also means you know what to NOT DO to push your partner’s buttons. Simply avoid the jabs that may stir your partner up and find ways to remedy when you do push buttons. For example, if you know your partner likes being on time and the two of you argue when you’re rushed and running late, make every effort to be on time or early to demonstrate care and respect to your partner. This will eliminate any tension or harsh startup that can quickly spiral out of control.

3. Act as if your partner is responding lovingly.

If you’re not noticing much change, and still find your partner being negative, behave as though they had just responded positively, lovingly, and the way you’d hoped. Now think about this: think of a moment when you expect a negative reaction out of your partner….and now think of what your response might look like. It’ll probably be somewhat negative, right? Now, imagine if your partner responds the way you’d hoped and what your behavior/attitude/body language would look like in response. Probably more positive, right? This goes to show you that you have more power and control in the relationship that you may have previously thought. And you can interrupt vicious negative cycles.

Doing these three things can help create a sense of peace, ease, and calm in your relationship and can shift negative interactions into positive ones. It will require some consistency on your part. (Don’t try it for a day and ditch it forever if it doesn’t work). Be patient and stick with it. It might take a few days for your partner to trust that you’re different and these new changes could be here for the long haul. And if there’s less fighting or bickering, there’s time for more important things, like spontaneity, intimacy, laughter, affection, fun, generosity, and kindness.

Need a little guidance trying these out? Or have you tried these, but want to dig deeper? Our couples therapists are ready to work with you to develop strategies to keep your relationship moving in the right direction. Call us today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online.

 

When You Want to Stop Couples Counseling

As couples therapists here at our center, we devote our professional careers to helping couples restore, re-ignite, and rejuvenate their relationships to their former glory and beyond. We are committed to helping couples who feel like they are in a relationship “crisis” or a really rocky place get to a place that feels “good.” And other times, we help couples who are feeling “good” get to a place that feels “great.” Often times that is attainable, and other times, we therapists have our own challenges when a couple decides to end the relationship. We can often see lots of deep, meaningful, and “great” work to still be done, and yet we sometimes will hear the thing we don’t want to hear:

“We have decided to end things, so we won’t be coming back to therapy.”

This decision might make sense to you, but marriage counselors aren’t just here for those who are married. We can do great work even when you decide to split. Here are some things that we therapists wish you knew before you decide to cold-turkey the therapeutic relationship.

Support.

While your answer seems clear now, it is possible you are going to encounter some pain moving forward. Ending a relationship is rarely enjoyable or easy. There may come a time in the foreseeable future that having the support of someone who knows about you and your situation and how you operate in relationships will be beneficial. Well-meaning friends and family may not be able to give you unbiased feedback.

You can't divorce yourself.

It is a false belief that if you end the relationship, you will be free of drama, chaos, or problems. You can divorce your partner, but you can’t divorce yourself. It is important that you have insight about how you relate to yourself, other people, the world around you, and how you relate to problems, challenges, of difficulties you face so that you don’t repeat old relationship patterns and take baggage from unsuccessful relationships into the next one.

Conquer the Fear of Failure.

Ending a relationship is not a failure. A divorce or breakup is not a failure. It is only a failure if you don’t learn something from it. This may mean that you have to take a look at some difficult truths (he/she may not ever change, you may have allowed or tolerated behavior you weren’t ok with, you may have compromised your integrity in the relationship and lost your sense of self, your partner was abusive, etc). At the end of the day, you can walk away smarter, wiser, and more confident about the direction you're heading in.

DeCoupling.

You may need some help navigating how to un-couple from your partner. Do you move out? Try a separation? File for divorce? What is your identity now without this other person? Rediscovering your new sense of self outside the relationship and what brings you joy and happiness will be essential.

You have individual needs.

This can be a great opportunity to shift from couples work to individual work. Just because the relationship didn’t work, doesn’t mean you can’t be a greater version of yourself. You can restore confidence, self esteem, work through limiting beliefs you have about the ended relationship, or sort through shame you may have. You can learn to trust yourself and your own mind, learn how to trust others, and the world around you.

Build Trust.

After a relationship ends, you may feel jaded, cold, resentful, or you may put a wall up in future relationships. Working with a therapist individually after the relationship ends can help you learn the ingredients of trust, what to look for, and how to ultimately be true to yourself.

Set the Stage for Success.

When you have a greater sense of self, a new identity, clarity on the relationship’s demise and your role in that relationship, then you are prepared to have closure and re-open the gates to loving again. With a newfound sense of trust, an ability to be authentic, vulnerable, and having rediscovered joy, you are really investing in yourself and the possibility that the next relationship will thrive and you can finally get the love you want.

Are you ready to have peace of mind and heart when it comes to your love life? Whether you’re in a relationship or not, we would love to help. Call us today at 678-796-8522 or schedule an appointment online.

Will My Therapist Tell Me to Divorce?

So, you may be thinking about marriage or couples counseling and have started looking for a therapist. Finding the right fit can be confusing and sometimes a bit of a challenge, especially if you don't know what to expect. Many clients are nervous that when they finally do meet with their therapist, they will be met with some kind of fate about the relationship and that they will possibly hear something they don't want to. This is extremely normal and common for many individuals and couples pursuing therapy. If you're wondering if a therapist will tell you what to do regarding your relationship, then we have an answer for you.

Often times, we find ourselves working with 2 kinds of clients when it comes to this topic: the kind who want to leave the relationship and are afraid of being told to stay (whether it is for financial, religious, or moral reasons) and those who want to stay in the relationship but are afraid of being told they are crazy for staying and should thus leave or divorce. So, will we tell you to stay in a relationship or leave it? The answer is no.

We work with lots of couples, and we have seen a little bit of everything. With that being said, we really value marriage and the fulfillment that comes with a healthy and highly satisfying relationship. On the other hand, we also value clients' individual needs and how sometimes the way to live a life of fulfillment means to leave a relationship that doesn't allow for safety, security, and satisfaction. It is our job to meet clients where they are at and support them in their decision making. This means that we are not at all invested in whether you stay in the relationship or leave it. Sounds a little crazy coming from a couples clinic, right?

Here's our reasoning: If we get too invested in you working on your marriage when you really want to leave, you will likely feel judged, unable to be honest in session, and most likely won't see progress because you won't be invested in repairing the relationship. This simply isn't helpful for you. Also, if you really want to stay in the relationship but we are invested in you ending it, then you may feel like something is wrong for you for wanting to stay. Instead, our job is not to force you to stay or leave. Our job is to help you take a look at the relationship as a whole, all of the moving parts within the relationship, and yourself/your mate on an individual level so that you can make the best decision for YOU...and not what your well-meaning friends and family want you to do or think you should do.

We are invested in one thing: your integrity. If you decide to end the relationship, we have your back and will support you in your decision and help you navigate the next steps. If you decide that you're all in and you want to work on the relationship, then we have your back there and will support you in that decision. It is important to us that you get what you need, that you can be honest with your therapist, and that you can make decisions that feel authentic and genuine for you, so that you can begin to live an authentic life where you feel confident about your decisions. After all, they are your decisions...not someone else's. 

You may be wondering, "but what if I am torn and I don't know what decision to make?" That's ok. We can meet you where you're at, explore all your options, consider all factors, and examine your needs so that we can help you arrive at a decision that is best for you and your mate. And if you need some time to figure it all out, that's ok. We will have your back, no matter what.

Ready to start exploring what the next best step is for you and your relationship without judgment or force? We are here to help. Call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule online and let's see how we can get started.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

We begin serious relationships and marriages with the intention that it will last forever. We are hopeful, excited, in love. There is honesty, good communication, passion. We think it will always be this way. So, when you realize that your relationship is not what it used to be or not what you hoped it would turn out like, we naturally begin to ask ourselves “is this as good as it gets?” I get it. It seems like you’ve tried everything and nothing works. It may feel like your partner doesn’t communicate well, or doesn’t understand you, or doesn’t even care to change. You may begin to feel like you’re miserable and can’t help but wonder if it will always be this way or how much longer you can do this, eventually asking yourself “should I stay in this relationship or end it?” Can you relate to this? If so, here are a few tips to consider to help you make your decision.

Consider working with a trained professional.

A trained professional, such as a licensed marriage therapist can help you sort your thoughts and take a look at the bigger picture. It will also give you the opportunity to learn your relationship patterns and help you identify what is making the problem worse. You will get feedback and interventions that can help shake up that pattern so that you and your partner can begin to decide what needs to happen.

Has your relationship always been this way?

It is important that you take a look at if your partner or relationship has always been this way. Consider times when it was different, and take a close look at what was specifically different about those times. Was it different because you had date night? Or because him forgetting to take out the trash didn’t bother you back then? Did you spend more time together? Get back to basics and do things that worked for you in the past.

Are you saying yes out of fear?

If the only reason you are staying is because you are afraid of the unknown and are more comfortable with the familiar, ask yourself if you are compromising your personal integrity. In other words, are you betraying yourself to please others?

Your bottom line & dealbreakers.

Know what patterns or behaviors are absolutely inappropriate in your relationship. Know what your bottom line is that would lead you to walk away from the relationship. For example, could you heal from an affair, but be unable to heal if your spouse let your house go into foreclosure, or vice versa?

Children.

If you and your partner have children, they can certainly impact your decision. Consider what role, if any, your children are playing in your relationship and your decision to stay or leave. Also ask yourself what you may or may not be teaching children about relationships if you stay or leave.

Money.

Financial complications often leave people stuck. They are afraid to make a move because they fear they may not be able to afford to do so. This is common and something to consider when trying to discern if you should stay or leave. Consider what other supports you have in place. On the other hand, couples sometimes fight over money. So take into account if working a different job or taking on a small part time job would take some stress and pressure off your spouse (and thus, improve the relationship).

Pattern of behavior or single event?

Often times, couples struggle with addiction, betrayal, infidelity, abuse or violence, or emotional unavailability. Consider if this behavior is a single event or a repeated pattern of behavior. Did you marry your spouse despite the fact he/she was unfaithful to you prior to the marriage? Does your spouse continue to call you names in front of your children? Did your partner have too much to drink one night and make a bad decision? If there are repeat behaviors, you have to consider if you’re willing to stay if this behavior continues. Also consider if your partner is willing to change this behavior and is open to taking the steps needed to receive support in helping to do so.

Be willing to sit in your truth.

It may mean you have to take a long hard look in the mirror and get real with yourself, or make a difficult decision that you may not want to make. It may be painful to see the truth (not making excuses for your partner or yourself, not minimizing the pain or the behavior or justifying your position, or avoiding thinking about it all together.) It may seem like avoidance can help, but it will eventually make matters worse.

What role do you play in this?

Examine how you may have shaped this relationship. Did you bring your best self to the table? If not, take a look at what would be different about you if you did.

Toxicity.

Sometimes really great individuals don’t always make the best partners for each other. Ask yourself if you as an individual is good for the relationship and if the relationship is good for both of you as individuals.

But there’s someone else.

If there is someone else romantically involved, know that it will be very difficult to work on this relationship/marriage and arrive to a decision when there is someone bright and shiny on the outside. Don’t use your mistress/lover as a healthy comparison to your current relationship. For example, if you’re on a strict diet where you can’t have sugar or carbs, ice cream looks really appealing. So, if you choose to ditch your diet and eat tons of ice cream, it may feel good in the moment. Over time, you may find that you have unhealthy sugar levels and have gained weight. Bright and shiny doesn’t always mean better. If you want to work on your relationship in counseling, it will be important that you stop contact with the third party so that you can bring your best self to the table. This will give you an accurate idea of is this relationship can work rather than a skewed view because you only gave your best 50%. 100% is required.

Coming to a decision is difficult work and there are lots of factors to consider. If you’ve can relate to any of this, and you would like some help sorting out your relationship and deciding if you should stay or go, I’d love to help. You don’t have to do this alone. Call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule online now.

When to Apologize and How to Do it Well

Apologizing is no easy feat. I work with many couples, families, and individuals who are hurting, and want their loved ones to recognize their hurt, and expect an apology in some capacity. But, why is apologizing so hard to do? And if we don’t mean it, should we still apologize? We have conceptualized apologizing as a vehicle for admitting we are wrong,  smoothing things over, or giving in, any of which signify that we may be weak. Contrary to popular belief, it takes great strength and courage to dare to apologize, and here is guide for when to do it, and how to do it well.

When to apologize:

Someone expresses that you’ve hurt them in some way. Whether you’re told (sometimes not so gracefully) that you’ve upset, angered, disappointed, embarrassed, scared, betrayed, etc someone, this person has become vulnerable enough to share difficult feelings and upset with you. When you can acknowledge their hurt, you are vulnerable in response. That mutual vulnerability is the antidote to shame, secrecy, and silence, and thus becomes the basis for human connection, and in couples, it breeds intimacy. Apologizing in this context can be empowering for several reasons: you hold yourself accountable for your actions/reactions, you demonstrate integrity, and the ability to remain non-judgmental when someone is open and honest and vulnerable with you. As a result, TRUST is born.

When you want to feel closer to someone with whom you feel there is distance. An apology has the ability to soothe and heal because it is a form of validation. The reason is because when you acknowledge how you hurt someone (whether it was intentional or not, and whether you agree with it or not), you are really saying “I’m there for you. I care about you. Your feelings are important to me and matter to me. I am willing to listen and understand you, even when it is difficult to do. I’ve got your back.” As a result, TRUST is rebuilt.

How to apologize:

1. Apologize for the thing they are upset about or hurt over.

    I’m sorry for.../I apologize for.../I feel really bad for...

2. Acknowledge their pain by owning your mistakes/wrongdoings/or your role in the pain you caused someone else. This does not mean admitting you’re wrong when you really believe you’re right. This means validating how the other person felt about your actions without justifying your behavior. If you justify your behavior, it doesn’t feel genuine; it’s getting defensive.

    This was wrong because.../It made you feel.../I wish I hadn’t because..

3. Make amends by strategizing and problem solving how you can work to change things in the future. This step trips people up because it is often the missing ingredient in conflict resolution. Making amends means you have every intention of trying not to repeat this behavior and it demonstrates a plan of action.

Next time.../In the future I will…

4. Ask for forgiveness.  Plain and simple. It is a powerful gesture, because it is a humble exchange of vulnerability and power. It is also a way to gather closure that really signifies when a conflict has been resolved. Just ensure that it is sincere, and be mindful of tone of voice and body language as you say it.

Please forgive me.../Will you forgive me.../Can you forgive me

Let’s take a look at these 2 scenarios for example:

“Look, I said I’m sorry if you feel like I hurt your feelings, but you were being a jerk to me. You should know by now I was joking anyway. Besides, I had a bad day and it would be nice if you could understand that. Can we drop it now?”

"I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings. I wish I hadn’t said those things to you because it made you feel sad. Next time, I will do my best to let you know that I’ve had a bad day and I will work on calming down before taking my anger out on you. Will you forgive me?"

Which one would make you feel more heard, validated, and understood? Most likely B! The beautiful thing about this kind of apology is that you will invite the other person to reciprocate the apology process and reflect what they are learning from you back to you. This means when you initiate an apology, you get to be the catalyst for change. Talk about power!

Remember, you don’t have to apologize for feeling some type of way. For example, you’re not apologizing for getting mad. What you are apologizing for is genuinely causing someone else distress. And acknowledging that is how to show love and care. (“I’m not sorry for having a bad day. I am sorry that because of my bad day, I made you feel bad, too.)

Need some help figuring out how to issue an apology for your particular scenario? Or struggling with feeling weak or too vulnerable to apologize? I’d like to help. Call me today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online!

9 Communication Traps to Avoid

The majority of couples that I work with (and even individuals) tell me that communication is a struggle for them. Either they don’t feel heard or understood, or they can’t keep a simple disagreement from escalating to unhealthy levels, or they feel like what they say isn’t important. HOW you argue is more important that HOW OFTEN you argue. If you have daily spats, but are able to address them quickly and create a resolve, that can be more healthy than arguing once a month, but never resolving the issue and communicating in a way that harms the relationship. One of the first steps in learning to communicate clearly and effectively is understanding what to eliminate in your communication style.

1. Criticism. Criticism is a guaranteed way to set up a conversation to fail. Critical comments (when unsolicited) paint the other person’s character in a bad light, usually to make someone right and someone wrong. These statements usually start with the word “YOU” followed by something negative. (You never listen to me, you think you’re always right, you’re just so selfish, you are inconsiderate and thoughtless).

2. Defensiveness. Defensiveness is a natural and triggered response to criticism. It pulls you into playing the game of “let’s find the bad guy” to ultimately decide who is right and who is wrong. Some examples include making excuses or trying to justify your behavior, firing back with your own complaint, saying YES-- BUT (appearing to agree, then disagreeing), or repeating yourself without hearing the other person.

3. Contempt. Contempt is extremely dangerous in relationships because it is intended to insult their character or cause harm. Contempt is like throwing the below-the-belt-punch, or pouring salt on the wound. It is often spiteful and vindictive. Sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, and even laughing at your partner’s hurt, rolling your eyes, or asking rhetorical questions that your partner can’t answer are all communication traps that display disrespect and disregard for the other person. This one has the potential to make or break relationships.

4. Stonewalling. Stonewalling is a form of shutting down and withdrawing to escape conflict at all costs. While it looks like you’re trying to end the conflict, it conveys distance, disconnect, and creates an icy chill that leaves the other person feeling alone. Examples include physically leaving the room during conflict, giving the silent treatment, one-word responses (yep, ok, whatever, sure, nope, alright, fine…).

5. Overgeneralizing. This happens when you attach all-inclusive words such as always, never, everybody, nobody, every time, all. This will suck you into a debate about facts. Saying “You never listen to me” might trigger a defensive response like “That’s not true. I listen to you sometimes.” Again, you get sucked into arguing about who is right and wrong instead of the heart of the matter.

6. Lacking Empathy. When we get pulled into a “who is right and who is wrong” dynamic, it becomes increasingly difficult to really hear what your partner is saying, especially if you’re playing defense. We then begin listening to respond instead listening to understand. (I am going to hear what you are saying but in my mind I am already formulating a response based on how wrong you are versus I am trying to really understand how you’re upset or how that I hurt you or caused you pain--whether intentional or not.) If you can learn to connect and imagine putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, it is easier to attend to what they are trying to communicate to you, and makes it easier to find resolve. The reason is that it will validate the other person’s feelings, and conveys understanding. When they ask themselves the question “are you really there for me?” the answer will be YES.

7. Win vs. Lose. This mentality is a trap for relationships and communication because it implies that if one person is right, the other must be wrong rather than offering the possibility that both parties can be both right AND wrong. It isn’t always an either/or dichotomy. However, even if you can own when you make mistakes, being able to address that can quell the fire and draw you partner closer. At the end of the day, isn’t that WIN/WIN?

8. Lack of Accountability. Accountability is one of the cornerstones of trust. When we fail to acknowledge our role in conflict or someone’s pain and we don’t own it, we lose their ability to trust us more fully. The relationship can then become compromised and begin to break down. Accountability is a measure of integrity, and someone being willing to do the right thing even when it is difficult. Accountability means owning your stuff (not justifying your behavior) and recognizing when you make a mistake, genuinely apologizing that someone experienced pain, making amends, and problem solving how to keep it from happening again. “I took my anger out on you. I did not mean to hurt you. I am truly sorry for that. I will work on not blowing up on you.” vs “Sorry if I hurt you, ok? Let’s just drop it. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but I was upset.”

9. Arguing Perspective. If you were raised to believe the color of the sky is green while your partner was raised to believe it is yellow, you cannot convince them that the sky is infact green any more than they can convince you to believe it is yellow. This is a trap for communication, again, because it sets you up to argue right vs. wrong, making someone a bad guy, and someone the loser of the battle. Understand that both perspectives are valid and have merit. The sooner you can appreciate the other person’s perspective (understand how it makes sense to them) and respect it (that doesn’t mean agree with it), the quicker you can restore connection, empathy, and the ability to resolve conflict quickly.

Do you notice some of these traps happening in your relationship? Want to learn how to change it? Call me today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online!