How to Transform Your Marriage: The Courage to Break Free from Old Patterns
At Therapy Co. Counseling, we know that marriage isn’t about perfection; it’s about growth. Every relationship experiences moments of joy, connection, and intimacy—but also moments of misunderstanding, frustration, and pain. When those challenges arise, many couples feel stuck, replaying the same arguments, avoiding the same issues, or silently drifting apart.
If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve wondered: “Can we really fix this?” The good news is, the answer is yes. Healing is possible, and it starts with what Terry Real, the founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), calls "full-respect living." We like to teach couples how to lovingly goo toe-to-toe with each other where there is mutual respect, a strong back, and an open heart.
Why Patterns Keep You Stuck
One of the most powerful insights in RLT is the idea that we all carry emotional baggage from our past into our relationships. Whether it’s the coping mechanisms we developed in childhood or the ways we’ve learned to defend ourselves, these patterns often sabotage the very intimacy we long for.
Here’s the tricky part: most couples don’t realize they’re caught in these destructive cycles. You may think you’re arguing about money, parenting, or chores, but underneath, you’re likely battling feelings of disconnection, unworthiness, or resentment…and years of either being unable to communicate it clearly, or be heard in a way that moves toward repairing it.
At Therapy Co., we help couples in Carrollton, Atlanta, and across Georgia identify and break these patterns, creating a path to authentic connection.
What Does Breaking Free Look Like?
Imagine this: Instead of replaying that same argument about who’s right or wrong, you and your partner pause to ask, “What’s really going on here?” Instead of reacting defensively, you lean in with curiosity. Instead of feeling like opponents, you become a team again.
This is the heart of RLT: stepping into radical accountability and learning new skills to build emotional closeness. It’s not about blaming or shaming—it's about growing.
Some of the shifts we help couples make include:
Moving from defensiveness to openness.
Replacing criticism with clear, loving communication.
Recognizing the deeper wounds that drive conflict—and learning how to heal them together.
Therapy That Meets You Where You Are
We know life is busy. Whether you’re in Metro Atlanta, West Georgia, or beyond, Therapy Co. Counseling is here to help couples create lasting change. Sure, you’ll learn skills and tools for relationship health, but what happens when you go home and a fight happens and those skills go out the window? We work with the part of you that won’t use those skills when you go home…the deeper parts of you that are driving the relational issues in your marriage. Our team offers both in-person and virtual therapy sessions so you can access expert support in a way that fits your schedule. Busy and can’t come weekly? We offer intensives so you can deep drive and cover a lot of ground in a few hours or a half a day..whatever prolonged length of time you agree upon with your therapist.
And let’s face it: the most important investment you can make isn’t in a car, house, or vacation—it’s in the health of your relationship. When you and your partner are connected, everything else in life becomes easier to navigate. Couples who are connected have improved health, make more money, have happier children.
Ready to Transform Your Marriage?
Your relationship doesn’t have to stay stuck in the same patterns. At Therapy & Co. Counseling, we use proven techniques, including Relational Life Therapy, to help you create a relationship built on mutual respect, deep understanding, and lasting intimacy.
Schedule a consultation with us today, and take the first step toward a stronger, healthier, more connected marriage.
You deserve a love that grows—and we’re here to help you find it. Email or call/text to book a free phone consultation with one of our therapists.
7 Ingredients of Trust
Trust is often seen as this big thing that we either have or we don’t. Someone has either earned it, or they haven’t. Trust is sometimes seen as one of those things we have, until it is lost or betrayed. Or it is something we can’t know that we have until someone has taken the necessary steps to ensure they are, in fact, trustworthy. Researchers have begun to explore the anatomy of trust and what ingredients make up trust. Whether you’re starting a new relationship, revitalizing an old one, or trying to recover from betrayal or infidelity, it can be helpful to know how to measure trust, what to look for, and how to detect what’s missing and what can thus be worked on.
Trust is often seen as this big thing that we either have or we don’t. Someone has either earned it, or they haven’t. Trust is sometimes seen as one of those things we have, until it is lost or betrayed. Or it is something we can’t know that we have until someone has taken the necessary steps to ensure they are, in fact, trustworthy. Researchers have begun to explore the anatomy of trust and what ingredients make up trust. Whether you’re starting a new relationship, revitalizing an old one, or trying to recover from betrayal or infidelity, it can be helpful to know how to measure trust, what to look for, and how to detect what’s missing and what can thus be worked on.
Brene Brown, a social worker and researcher in the field, has spent many years trying to understand shame and vulnerability and the role it plays in our relationships to self and others. More recently, she has been exploring the anatomy of trust, what it looks like, how to know when you have it, and how to determine ways to get it back after it has been lost. To understand trust, you must know that trust is not one BIG thing. It is actually a culmination of lots of little things, over time. One handy way to remember these ingredients of trust is to remember the acronym BRAVING. Once you know these ingredients, then you can hone any disagreements that arise and know how to compartmentalize them, keeping you focused, and on track, and better able to ask for what you want and need.
B- Boundaries
Boundaries are essentially the spoken and unspoken rules of relationships. It is what is considered appropriate or inappropriate, what is ok and not ok, what is tolerated and not tolerated within the context of the relationship. Sometimes these are negotiated early in the relationship (let’s be exclusive and monogamous, we are waiting until marriage to have sex, we are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex, we share passwords for email/social media), and sometimes we have conflict because we need to renegotiate a boundary that may have never been set (Can we spend money without consulting with one another? Can I stay out until 3 am without calling you and letting you know of my whereabouts? When is keeping secrets ok?)
R- Reliability
Reliability sounds pretty simple, right? But, sometimes we get this one wrong. Reliability basically means this: do you do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it? Do you say what you mean and mean what you say? Do you follow up and follow through with commitments? If you tell your spouse you’re going to be home by 9pm, are you home by then, or is it after midnight? If you find yourself in an argument, and you point out that now isn’t a good time to talk, and ask if you can discuss things later, do you follow up with that? During a fight, do you threaten divorce only to take it back a few days later once the dust has settled?
A- Accountability
Can you take responsibility for your actions and behaviors? Can you acknowledge your role in negative interactions, apologize (if necessary), and make amends or work to remedy/reconcile the situation? For example, if you got into a heated disagreement with your spouse, and in the heat of the moment threatened divorce, can you go back to your mate and say “I got carried away. I didn’t mean it. I was just angry. Can you forgive me? I am going to work on not threatening divorce when we fight.” Or, “Honey, I hear you telling me that leaving my dirty clothes in the floor instead of putting them in the laundry bin bothers you. I am going to work on putting them in the basket.” Accountability is a great way to demonstrate to your mate that you hear their concerns, that you are listening, and you have the ability to be considerate and work toward bringing your best self to the table and are willing to make a change for the greater good of the relationship.
V- Vulnerability
This one is sometimes challenging for many. Vulnerability means showing up in a way that is genuine and authentic in the relationship. Can you express your deepest fears? Longings and desires? Hopes and dreams? Wants and needs? Feelings? Secrets? Can you embrace your imperfections and allow your partner to see the softer, unexposed sides of you? Sometimes we run into trouble when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with those who have not yet earned the right to hear our story. Once we know they can demonstrate other ingredients of trust, we can begin to be more vulnerable. And, vulnerability is important because it is the key ingredient to long-term, successful and satisfying relationships.
I- Integrity
Integrity is similar to vulnerability in that we need to be able to be our authentic and genuine selves. It also means practicing what we preach, or walking the walk. When we do that, we are in alignment with our values and beliefs and behave in a way that is commanded by our own moral and ethical code. It means doing the right thing even when it is difficult, or doing the right thing even when you don’t get credit, or doing the right thing when nobody's looking. It also means not putting your loved ones in positions where they are forced to compromise your integrity. One example is accepting your partner as they are, rather than “fixing” or “rescuing” them and trying to tweak them into being the perfect mate. Or, if you value honesty and fidelity in a relationship, are you demonstrating those things?
N-Non-Judgment
This requires avoiding criticism and judgment against yourself or your partner. Think about the difference between telling your partner about a mistake you made and hearing “ I can’t believe you! You always screw up! You knew better! What the hell were you thinking?” versus hearing “Ok. You made a mistake. It happens. Let’s figure out how to fix it.” The latter response makes us feel safe, and allows us to be vulnerable and open up to our partners.
G- Generosity/Generous Assumptions
Basically, do we jump to negative assumptions and conclusions about loved ones? Or do we look at them through a lens that allows us to make generous assumptions? For example, “My wife forgot my birthday, and I am so pissed off. She only worries about herself and she probably didn’t even forget, she’s probably not telling me happy birthday on purpose” versus “My wife forgot my birthday and I’m hurt about it, but she has had a lot on her plate, I know she’s stressed, and the baby was sick. Even though I’m hurt, I know she loves me and wouldn’t do that intentionally.” Generosity requires a little grace and mercy at times.
Now that you know the ingredients of trust, think about them like this: Imagine you have a marble jar. Each time someone honors one of these ingredients, it is a marble in the jar. Each time someone doesn’t honor one of these ingredients, it is a marble out of the jar. Your job is to assess whether your marble jar with this person is filled or empty, or somewhere in between. If the jar is full, then this is likely someone you can really trust. If it isn’t full, you now know where to focus your energy and conversations to rebuild trust. Perhaps you renegotiate boundaries, or practice accountability, or being vulnerable.
If you’re not sure where to start, and want to figure out how to rebuild trust in your relationship, our licensed marriage and family therapists are happy to help! Let’s work on filling those marble jars!
Call us today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online.
Makeover Your Relationship This Week
Feeling a bit at odds with your mate? Like you’ve been at each others’ throats about small, trivial things? You may wish your partner was less irritable, more enjoyable, and more fun--like they used to be. But, it can feel like a daunting task and downright powerless to sit around hoping and waiting for the other person to change, especially after you’ve repeated yourself over and over again. While there aren't any quick-fixes, here are some simple, but effective strategies that YOU can implement turn your relationship around this week.
Feeling a bit at odds with your mate? Like you’ve been at each others’ throats about small, trivial things? You may wish your partner was less irritable, more enjoyable, and more fun--like they used to be. But, it can feel like a daunting task and downright powerless to sit around hoping and waiting for the other person to change, especially after you’ve repeated yourself over and over again. While there aren't any quick-fixes, here are some simple, but effective strategies that YOU can implement turn your relationship around this week.
1. Start with a beginner’s mind.
I bet you can finish your partner’s sentences. You know if you ask them for something or tell them what you want, you can predict their behavior. You know each other so well, it’s like you can see into the future and already know how a situation is going to go down. We often assume the worst. “I’m not even going to ask him to visit my family because all he will do is pout and complain the whole time.” “There’s no point in initiating sex because she will just say no anyway. She always has a headache.” However, this kind of thinking sets up a self fulfilling prophecy at times. Try seeing every situation through a beginner’s mind...this means don’t automatically assume you know the outcome or that it will be negative. Start with a fresh outlook, much like you’ve just met. This will keep you curious, lighthearted, and will help your partner not be so guarded, and thus, open to different responses.
2. Know what buttons to NOT push.
If I asked you to intentionally push your partner’s buttons, I bet it wouldn’t take long for you to know exactly what to do to get your mate to tick, right? You know what they do/don’t like. This means you know what their hot buttons are. This also means you know what to NOT DO to push your partner’s buttons. Simply avoid the jabs that may stir your partner up and find ways to remedy when you do push buttons. For example, if you know your partner likes being on time and the two of you argue when you’re rushed and running late, make every effort to be on time or early to demonstrate care and respect to your partner. This will eliminate any tension or harsh startup that can quickly spiral out of control.
3. Act as if your partner is responding lovingly.
If you’re not noticing much change, and still find your partner being negative, behave as though they had just responded positively, lovingly, and the way you’d hoped. Now think about this: think of a moment when you expect a negative reaction out of your partner….and now think of what your response might look like. It’ll probably be somewhat negative, right? Now, imagine if your partner responds the way you’d hoped and what your behavior/attitude/body language would look like in response. Probably more positive, right? This goes to show you that you have more power and control in the relationship that you may have previously thought. And you can interrupt vicious negative cycles.
Doing these three things can help create a sense of peace, ease, and calm in your relationship and can shift negative interactions into positive ones. It will require some consistency on your part. (Don’t try it for a day and ditch it forever if it doesn’t work). Be patient and stick with it. It might take a few days for your partner to trust that you’re different and these new changes could be here for the long haul. And if there’s less fighting or bickering, there’s time for more important things, like spontaneity, intimacy, laughter, affection, fun, generosity, and kindness.
Need a little guidance trying these out? Or have you tried these, but want to dig deeper? Our couples therapists are ready to work with you to develop strategies to keep your relationship moving in the right direction. Call us today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online.
When You Want to Stop Couples Counseling
As couples therapists here at our center, we devote our professional careers to helping couples restore, re-ignite, and rejuvenate their relationships to their former glory and beyond. We are committed to helping couples who feel like they are in a relationship “crisis” or a really rocky place get to a place that feels “good.” And other times, we help couples who are feeling “good” get to a place that feels “great.” Often times that is attainable, and other times, we therapists have our own challenges when a couple decides to end the relationship. We can often see lots of deep, meaningful, and “great” work to still be done, and yet we sometimes will hear the thing we don’t want to hear: “We have decided to end things, so we won’t be coming back to therapy.” This decision might make sense to you, but marriage counselors aren’t just here for those who are married. We can do great work even when you decide to split. Here are some things that we therapists wish you knew before you decide to cold-turkey the therapeutic relationship.
As couples therapists here at our center, we devote our professional careers to helping couples restore, re-ignite, and rejuvenate their relationships to their former glory and beyond. We are committed to helping couples who feel like they are in a relationship “crisis” or a really rocky place get to a place that feels “good.” And other times, we help couples who are feeling “good” get to a place that feels “great.” Often times that is attainable, and other times, we therapists have our own challenges when a couple decides to end the relationship. We can often see lots of deep, meaningful, and “great” work to still be done, and yet we sometimes will hear the thing we don’t want to hear:
“We have decided to end things, so we won’t be coming back to therapy.”
This decision might make sense to you, but marriage counselors aren’t just here for those who are married. We can do great work even when you decide to split. Here are some things that we therapists wish you knew before you decide to cold-turkey the therapeutic relationship.
Support.
While your answer seems clear now, it is possible you are going to encounter some pain moving forward. Ending a relationship is rarely enjoyable or easy. There may come a time in the foreseeable future that having the support of someone who knows about you and your situation and how you operate in relationships will be beneficial. Well-meaning friends and family may not be able to give you unbiased feedback.
You can't divorce yourself.
It is a false belief that if you end the relationship, you will be free of drama, chaos, or problems. You can divorce your partner, but you can’t divorce yourself. It is important that you have insight about how you relate to yourself, other people, the world around you, and how you relate to problems, challenges, of difficulties you face so that you don’t repeat old relationship patterns and take baggage from unsuccessful relationships into the next one.
Conquer the Fear of Failure.
Ending a relationship is not a failure. A divorce or breakup is not a failure. It is only a failure if you don’t learn something from it. This may mean that you have to take a look at some difficult truths (he/she may not ever change, you may have allowed or tolerated behavior you weren’t ok with, you may have compromised your integrity in the relationship and lost your sense of self, your partner was abusive, etc). At the end of the day, you can walk away smarter, wiser, and more confident about the direction you're heading in.
DeCoupling.
You may need some help navigating how to un-couple from your partner. Do you move out? Try a separation? File for divorce? What is your identity now without this other person? Rediscovering your new sense of self outside the relationship and what brings you joy and happiness will be essential.
You have individual needs.
This can be a great opportunity to shift from couples work to individual work. Just because the relationship didn’t work, doesn’t mean you can’t be a greater version of yourself. You can restore confidence, self esteem, work through limiting beliefs you have about the ended relationship, or sort through shame you may have. You can learn to trust yourself and your own mind, learn how to trust others, and the world around you.
Build Trust.
After a relationship ends, you may feel jaded, cold, resentful, or you may put a wall up in future relationships. Working with a therapist individually after the relationship ends can help you learn the ingredients of trust, what to look for, and how to ultimately be true to yourself.
Set the Stage for Success.
When you have a greater sense of self, a new identity, clarity on the relationship’s demise and your role in that relationship, then you are prepared to have closure and re-open the gates to loving again. With a newfound sense of trust, an ability to be authentic, vulnerable, and having rediscovered joy, you are really investing in yourself and the possibility that the next relationship will thrive and you can finally get the love you want.
Are you ready to have peace of mind and heart when it comes to your love life? Whether you’re in a relationship or not, we would love to help. Call us today at 678-796-8522 or schedule an appointment online.
When Relationships End: Who Can Help?
Often times, couples are broken into a few different categories:
- those who are together and happy
- those who are together and unhappy but are trying to repair the relationship
- those who are together, unhappy, and are not sure what they want to do (and are "stuck")
- and then those who have made the decision to end the relationship.
As couples therapists, we usually work with clients in the first 3 categories. But, who works with those who are ending a relationship, are going through a breakup or divorce, or are trying to get back on track after a relationship has ended? A marriage therapist can still be a great type of counselor to consider.
Often times, couples are broken into a few different categories:
- those who are together and happy
- those who are together and unhappy but are trying to repair the relationship
- those who are together, unhappy, and are not sure what they want to do (and are "stuck")
- and then those who have made the decision to end the relationship.
As couples therapists, we usually work with clients in the first 3 categories. But, who works with those who are ending a relationship, are going through a breakup or divorce, or are trying to get back on track after a relationship has ended? A marriage therapist can still be a great type of counselor to consider. Here’s how they can help:
Ending a relationship can often times be gut-wrenching. Couples often have to navigate how to separate themselves from the person they are so used to being in contact with. Couples also have to figure out lots of other complicated things: finances, children, pets, personal belongings, property, not to mention how to break the news to loved ones and so on. Working with a couples therapist in these circumstances can help you learn how to decouple and help you understand what to expect in that process. Many times, there is a grieving process, and one or both partners are devastated and in pain that the relationship has ended. A marriage therapist can help navigate you through discovering your new identity outside of your past relationship, grow your self esteem, and really focus on YOU and your growth and healing. If you’ve always viewed yourself as “his wife” or “the kids’ mom”, you may need a little nudge exploring yourself and who you are and really getting to know and like that person, or even exploring how to get back on your own feet and create a newfound independence. You can also reflect on the relationship and learn much needed lessons from it that will keep you focused on the future and potential solutions rather than stuck in the pain of the past.
At other times, relationships are so toxic, that ending it may come as a relief. Keep in mind that we often don’t take into account what to expect after we’ve made the decision to end the relationship. It is often the case that if we don’t examine the relationship, we will unknowingly repeat old relationship patterns that could contribute to the demise of future relationships or choose partners that are unhealthy for us.
Perhaps you have children together. Working with a marriage and family therapist can help you explore how to tell your children, how to support them, what reactions from them you can expect, how to identify your goals as parents and how to co-parent as peacefully and successfully as possible.
Eventually after the relationship has ended, and you may want to move forward into another relationship. Working with a marriage or couples therapist can help you navigate the dating world, how to know your boundaries in relationships, how to know what you want (and how to ask for it), how to measure if someone is trustworthy or not, and help you look at possible mates objectively so that you can take note of any red flags that may later be a deal-breaker for you.
We understand that ending a relationship is not always an easy decision. You may toggle back and forth and question if you’re doing the right thing or not. And ultimately, it is your decision. So, whether you’re wanting to be a better version of yourself, have some help dealing with the pain, understand what’s next, be the best parent possible, or avoid repeating old habits, working with a marriage therapist can be a really great step toward healing and moving forward.