How to Deal When Conflict is Hard

Conflict in relationships is one of those things that gets a bad reputation. Much like discomfort or pain. We sometimes mistakenly assume that relationships should not have moments of conflict, despair, frustration, discomfort, or pain. It is important that we learn what conflict really means so that we can deal with it accordingly. Typically in couples dynamics, conflict is not usually the problem we face, it is knowing how to deal with it in a way that doesn’t create calamity in our relationships. To have conflict is to be normal. But to avoid conflict, discomfort or pain is to sabotage an opportunity for growth. Conflict is really just growth trying to happen in your relationship.

Let’s talk about our tasty crustacean friend, the lobster for just a moment. Lobsters have a hard outer shell and a soft fleshy inside (similar to many of us at times, right?) So, how do lobsters actually grow if they have this hard, fixed shell? Doesn’t the lobster feel trapped or stuck? The lobster doesn’t start out full grown, so how did it grow to begin with? How will it continue to get bigger?

Well, what we know about lobsters is that their bodies/brains generate a signal to them that it is time to grow...time to shed the current shell and create a new one that is bigger. Guess what that signal is? Discomfort and pain. As soon as the lobster begins to outgrow his shell, he becomes uncomfortable. This triggers to the lobster that it is time to grow. He then retreats to a rocky area where he buries himself in the sand away from predators, and he begins the process of shedding his old shell, revealing only the soft fleshy skin and making him very vulnerable to the world around him. During this time, he is able to create a new shell that will have enough room for his growing body. The shell hardens, and he now has room to grow. This process continues throughout his lifespan.

What does a lobster have to do with couples and conflict? Well, first of all, if the lobster went to the doctor and told him he was in pain and uncomfortable, today’s orientation to medicine might suggest that the lobster should have the symptom treated. Uncomfortable? In pain? In distress? Let’s prescribe Mr. Lobster a Valium, a Xanax, perhaps a Lorcet or a Percocet. Let’s get rid of his pain because pain is bad. Right? Not always.

If the doctor prescribed medication to alleviate the lobster’s symptoms, yes, the lobster would possibly be pain free, but the lobster would never truly be able to grow. The doctor would be doing the lobster a disservice, and stunting his brain and his body’s natural ability to regulate growth.

Same goes with couples who are experiencing conflict. Conflict is an indication that growth needs to happen. We are so afraid of conflict and the discomfort and the pain that sometimes comes with it that we fail to see it as an opportunity for change, growth, and ultimately peace and comfort. There is no detour for pain...we can only go through it. Once we go through it, there is a wonderful world of opportunities and possibilities waiting for us on the other side.

If you are conflict avoidant, you walk on eggshells, you try not to rock the boat and please people for the sake of sparing an argument...try something different: Be a lobster. Know that this is a chance to grow, to create change, and to get to where you ultimately need to be.

If you would like some help learning to lean into the struggles in your relationship, we are here for you. We are happy to help you learn to be a lobster, to help you and your mate grow through conflict and deal with it in a way that is healthy and fosters growth and forward motion. If you’re feeling uncomfortable in your relationship, here’s your sign. The time is now and we would love to help. Call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online.

 

The New Year’s Resolution You’ll Want to Make...and Keep!

Here we are, in the midst of a brand new year. The rush of the holidays have passed, we are financially recovering from our excess spending, physically recovering from too many holiday treats, and emotionally recovering from too much hustle and bustle or too much time with family members that we, uhhh, prefer to enjoy less time with. The new year marks a new start, a fresh beginning, and an opportunity to better ourselves. We often focus on resolutions like hitting up the gym, quitting smoking, saving more money, or living life to the fullest. But, how often do we make relational goals with our lovers? Why not shift our focus this year to also attending to our relationships?

Setting relationship goals can sometimes be difficult, especially if we don’t know what goals to set, what we are actually trying to accomplish, or how to make them stick. You may start by asking yourself a few questions:

• If I were to go to sleep tonight, and while I was sleeping a miracle happened with my relationship to my lover/partner/spouse, what would be different? (would we talk differently to one another, spend more time together, have more frequent sex, have more fun together? etc..)
• What would make my relationship with my lover/partner/spouse richer? In other words, if we are already “good,” what would elevate our relationship to “great?”
• What worked well for us this year? What did not work so well? What would be ideal? What isn’t ideal just yet?

Now that you have some idea of what can elevate your relationship, it’s time to set a goal that is SMART. SMART stands for specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-sensitive. The SMARTer your goal is, the greater the odds are of achieving the goal. Not having a SMART goal keeps us stuck in a space that is vague, unclear, and without direction. It is kind of like driving around blindfolded and being upset that we don't get to where we want to do. If we have a vision, a map, and a guide, we can arrive to our destination.

First, we have to get specific. Narrow your focus down to a tangible item. For example, rather than just saying “this year I want us to work on our marriage/relationship,” you may be more specific and be able to narrow it down to “this year, I want us to have more sex/better sex.”

Now that you’ve got a specific goal, you can focus on making sure it is measurable so that you can gauge your progress. How will you know you’ve achieved your goal? What will be different? What will there be more of when this goal is accomplished? What will there be less of when this goal is accomplished? What might a fly on the wall observe differently that would indicate you’ve reached this goal? What kind of time frame are we looking at? For example, “we will know we have reached our goal of having more sex when my wife initiates more often”, “when we are having sex more spontaneously,” “we will decrease our weekly arguments from 5x per week to only once per week.”

Once your goal is specific and measurable, we want to ensure it is attainable and realistic. If your goal is to have sex with your partner 7days a week, but your partner’s goal is to have sex once per week, it may not be attainable nor realistic to strive towards having sex 2-3x per day. This is also a good time to consider HOW you will go about achieving your goal and what has been getting in the way thus far.

Finally, you want to make sure your goals are time-sensitive. This will provide a launching pad for you to be able to measure more effectively and to monitor progress. You can set a daily goal, weekly goal, a monthly goal, a quarterly goal, a 6 month goal, or an annual goal. These will serve as checkpoints to keep you on track. Time-sensitive goals not only help you create checkpoints, but they also ensure that your goals are attainable and realistic. If you and your partner have stopped having sex, it might not be realistic to reach your goal of having sex 2-3x per week during the first week.

Putting it all together:

Now that you have all the parts of a smart goal: it is specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-sensitive, you are ready to become action focused. Now you can examine the smallest thing you need to do between now and your time checkpoint to keep yourself accountable and in check. Here’s what it all looks like:

• My lover and I will have a better sex life when we can eliminate electronics in the bedroom and can set an earlier “bedtime” for the next month.
• By the end of 3 months, I will be more spontaneous as evidenced by initiating sex with my partner 2-3x per month.
• By the end of 6 months, we will have sex 1-2x per week by planning date nights each week.
• By the end of next week, I will talk to my partner about what turns me on sexually and will practice asking for what I want/need.

When you lose focus, imagine the possibilities if you were to accomplish this goal. What would it mean for you, your partner, your relationship, your family if this goal were to be accomplished?

This year, my goal is to grow spiritually with my husband. My plan to do that is for us to complete a couple’s devotional/workbook this year, something we’ve never done before. First, I have to have that conversation with him to ensure he is on board. Then, we may need to plan a time to go to a bookstore to explore options for us. After that, we may make the purchase. And finally, set aside the time to do our work and honor that commitment to ourselves.

Once you set a goal in this way, you will find it is easier to achieve. That will help you and your partner to continue with that positive momentum and continue setting goals that grow your relationship in a positive direction.

Unsure what kind of goal to set for your relationship or how to make a plan to make it stick? Feeling stuck?Our trained therapists are here to help you and your lover ignite your relationship this year, whether you’re wanting to feel stable and secure, or wanting to elevate a good relationship to a great one. Our therapists are here to help you assess where you’re at, where you can go, and provide you with the roadmap to get there. Call us today to schedule an appointment at 678-796-8255 or feel free to schedule online. Whatever you do, don’t wait another day. We’ve got big things to accomplish in 2017!

Couples Therapy: A Solution for Anxiety and Depression?

Imagine you’re happily coupled up in a wonderful relationship that you find satisfying and fulfilling. Now, imagine that your partner tells you they love you, but they’re no longer in love with you, or that they’re seeing someone else, or that they want out of the relationship. How might you feel? Worried? Upset? Devastated? Betrayed? Confused? Angry? Brokenhearted? Now, imagine that you’re naturally anxious or depressed but you are in a relationship with someone who can calm you in the storm, will have your back and support you, can bring you back from the edge, and can understand you even in the midst of your emotional pain. If relationship distress can have a negative impact on our emotional and physical health, can’t it be possible that secure relationships can have a positive impact on our emotional and physical health? Research and revolutionary science of romantic love is now suggesting that secure bonds are vital when we are struggling.

As humans, we are wired for connected. In fact, we are the only species wired for connection, and thus, wired for love. When we don’t have it, or when it is threatened, it is like cutting off our oxygen supply. And then, the panic sets in. We make attempt after attempt to be soothed and comforted, but sometimes we ask for love in the most unloving of ways, ways that our partners can’t hear, see, or understand. This leaves us feeling distant and disconnected. Since the brain can’t really differentiate between emotional pain and physical pain, it just senses pain is coming and prepares to either fight the bear, or run from it (cueing the flight or fight response). When we are in this primal panic, we begin to see our partner as the enemy and the source of our discomfort and pain. Love’s function is really about security and survival. In fact, love affects the immune system, and one of the biggest predictors in good outcomes in patients with chronic medical conditions (cancer, heart disease, etc) is a good support system. Some researchers also argue that supportive, loving connection can also be the antidote to addictions.

But in today’s age, we are becoming lonelier, more isolated, and more disengaged from ourselves, the world around us, and unfortunately, those we love. It is not ironic then that we are having higher numbers of stress, overwhelm, anxiety, and depression in our society. We are increasingly ashamed to admit we need people, fearing it makes us too “vulnerable” or too “needy” or “weak.” But, there is strength in love, loving, and allowing ourselves to be loved.

Love works magically to reduce stress hormones, and increasing dopamine levels, working to decrease anxiety and depression symptoms. Love can instill healthy behaviors, keeping us accountable with our health and wellness regimens (Men are more likely to go to the doctor for routine check-ups when in a committed relationship.) While you might not be able to completely eradicate anxiety or depression symptoms, we can certainly work on building bonds with those that we love to combat those symptoms. Many times, we notice a chicken-or-the-egg phenomenon: does my anxiety/depression affect my relationship, or does my relationship affect my anxiety/depression. And the answer is: both. Working with a couples therapist to reconnect, grow intimacy and desire, increase support and understanding, while learning to communicate effectively and be there for one another can be a natural, non-pathological way of managing intense moods or emotions.

Relationships can make the bad times tolerable and the good times extraordinary. And working on this is something that you can do together, which means you get to feel like a team that combats life’s struggles together, already fostering a greater sense of connection and support.

Are you interested in growing your relationship and using your romantic connection to combat stress, overwhelm, anxiety, or depression? We would love to help you and your mate revive a tired relationship or learn to feel closer, more engaged, and trust that you’ll be there for one another. Call us today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online.

When Relationships End: Who Can Help?

Often times, couples are broken into a few different categories:

• those who are together and happy
• those who are together and unhappy but are trying to repair the relationship
• those who are together, unhappy, and are not sure what they want to do (and are "stuck")
• and then those who have made the decision to end the relationship.

As couples therapists, we usually work with clients in the first 3 categories. But, who works with those who are ending a relationship, are going through a breakup or divorce, or are trying to get back on track after a relationship has ended? A marriage therapist can still be a great type of counselor to consider. Here’s how they can help:

Ending a relationship can often times be gut-wrenching. Couples often have to navigate how to separate themselves from the person they are so used to being in contact with. Couples also have to figure out lots of other complicated things: finances, children, pets, personal belongings, property, not to mention how to break the news to loved ones and so on. Working with a couples therapist in these circumstances can help you learn how to decouple and help you understand what to expect in that process. Many times, there is a grieving process, and one or both partners are devastated and in pain that the relationship has ended. A marriage therapist can help navigate you through discovering your new identity outside of your past relationship, grow your self esteem, and really focus on YOU and your growth and healing. If you’ve always viewed yourself as “his wife” or “the kids’ mom”, you may need a little nudge exploring yourself and who you are and really getting to know and like that person, or even exploring how to get back on your own feet and create a newfound independence. You can also reflect on the relationship and learn much needed lessons from it that will keep you focused on the future and potential solutions rather than stuck in the pain of the past.

At other times, relationships are so toxic, that ending it may come as a relief. Keep in mind that we often don’t take into account what to expect after we’ve made the decision to end the relationship. It is often the case that if we don’t examine the relationship, we will unknowingly repeat old relationship patterns that could contribute to the demise of future relationships or choose partners that are unhealthy for us.

Perhaps you have children together. Working with a marriage and family therapist can help you explore how to tell your children, how to support them, what reactions from them you can expect, how to identify your goals as parents and how to co-parent as peacefully and successfully as possible.

Eventually after the relationship has ended, and you may want to move forward into another relationship. Working with a marriage or couples therapist can help you navigate the dating world, how to know your boundaries in relationships, how to know what you want (and how to ask for it), how to measure if someone is trustworthy or not, and help you look at possible mates objectively so that you can take note of any red flags that may later be a deal-breaker for you.

We understand that ending a relationship is not always an easy decision. You may toggle back and forth and question if you’re doing the right thing or not. And ultimately, it is your decision. So, whether you’re wanting to be a better version of yourself, have some help dealing with the pain, understand what’s next, be the best parent possible, or avoid repeating old habits, working with a marriage therapist can be a really great step toward healing and moving forward.

If you’re struggling with a relationship ending and could use some support in figuring it all out, we would love to be there for you. Give us a call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule online!

Will My Therapist Tell Me to Divorce?

So, you may be thinking about marriage or couples counseling and have started looking for a therapist. Finding the right fit can be confusing and sometimes a bit of a challenge, especially if you don't know what to expect. Many clients are nervous that when they finally do meet with their therapist, they will be met with some kind of fate about the relationship and that they will possibly hear something they don't want to. This is extremely normal and common for many individuals and couples pursuing therapy. If you're wondering if a therapist will tell you what to do regarding your relationship, then we have an answer for you.

Often times, we find ourselves working with 2 kinds of clients when it comes to this topic: the kind who want to leave the relationship and are afraid of being told to stay (whether it is for financial, religious, or moral reasons) and those who want to stay in the relationship but are afraid of being told they are crazy for staying and should thus leave or divorce. So, will we tell you to stay in a relationship or leave it? The answer is no.

We work with lots of couples, and we have seen a little bit of everything. With that being said, we really value marriage and the fulfillment that comes with a healthy and highly satisfying relationship. On the other hand, we also value clients' individual needs and how sometimes the way to live a life of fulfillment means to leave a relationship that doesn't allow for safety, security, and satisfaction. It is our job to meet clients where they are at and support them in their decision making. This means that we are not at all invested in whether you stay in the relationship or leave it. Sounds a little crazy coming from a couples clinic, right?

Here's our reasoning: If we get too invested in you working on your marriage when you really want to leave, you will likely feel judged, unable to be honest in session, and most likely won't see progress because you won't be invested in repairing the relationship. This simply isn't helpful for you. Also, if you really want to stay in the relationship but we are invested in you ending it, then you may feel like something is wrong for you for wanting to stay. Instead, our job is not to force you to stay or leave. Our job is to help you take a look at the relationship as a whole, all of the moving parts within the relationship, and yourself/your mate on an individual level so that you can make the best decision for YOU...and not what your well-meaning friends and family want you to do or think you should do.

We are invested in one thing: your integrity. If you decide to end the relationship, we have your back and will support you in your decision and help you navigate the next steps. If you decide that you're all in and you want to work on the relationship, then we have your back there and will support you in that decision. It is important to us that you get what you need, that you can be honest with your therapist, and that you can make decisions that feel authentic and genuine for you, so that you can begin to live an authentic life where you feel confident about your decisions. After all, they are your decisions...not someone else's. 

You may be wondering, "but what if I am torn and I don't know what decision to make?" That's ok. We can meet you where you're at, explore all your options, consider all factors, and examine your needs so that we can help you arrive at a decision that is best for you and your mate. And if you need some time to figure it all out, that's ok. We will have your back, no matter what.

Ready to start exploring what the next best step is for you and your relationship without judgment or force? We are here to help. Call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule online and let's see how we can get started.

When to Apologize and How to Do it Well

Apologizing is no easy feat. I work with many couples, families, and individuals who are hurting, and want their loved ones to recognize their hurt, and expect an apology in some capacity. But, why is apologizing so hard to do? And if we don’t mean it, should we still apologize? We have conceptualized apologizing as a vehicle for admitting we are wrong,  smoothing things over, or giving in, any of which signify that we may be weak. Contrary to popular belief, it takes great strength and courage to dare to apologize, and here is guide for when to do it, and how to do it well.

When to apologize:

Someone expresses that you’ve hurt them in some way. Whether you’re told (sometimes not so gracefully) that you’ve upset, angered, disappointed, embarrassed, scared, betrayed, etc someone, this person has become vulnerable enough to share difficult feelings and upset with you. When you can acknowledge their hurt, you are vulnerable in response. That mutual vulnerability is the antidote to shame, secrecy, and silence, and thus becomes the basis for human connection, and in couples, it breeds intimacy. Apologizing in this context can be empowering for several reasons: you hold yourself accountable for your actions/reactions, you demonstrate integrity, and the ability to remain non-judgmental when someone is open and honest and vulnerable with you. As a result, TRUST is born.

When you want to feel closer to someone with whom you feel there is distance. An apology has the ability to soothe and heal because it is a form of validation. The reason is because when you acknowledge how you hurt someone (whether it was intentional or not, and whether you agree with it or not), you are really saying “I’m there for you. I care about you. Your feelings are important to me and matter to me. I am willing to listen and understand you, even when it is difficult to do. I’ve got your back.” As a result, TRUST is rebuilt.

How to apologize:

1. Apologize for the thing they are upset about or hurt over.

    I’m sorry for.../I apologize for.../I feel really bad for...

2. Acknowledge their pain by owning your mistakes/wrongdoings/or your role in the pain you caused someone else. This does not mean admitting you’re wrong when you really believe you’re right. This means validating how the other person felt about your actions without justifying your behavior. If you justify your behavior, it doesn’t feel genuine; it’s getting defensive.

    This was wrong because.../It made you feel.../I wish I hadn’t because..

3. Make amends by strategizing and problem solving how you can work to change things in the future. This step trips people up because it is often the missing ingredient in conflict resolution. Making amends means you have every intention of trying not to repeat this behavior and it demonstrates a plan of action.

Next time.../In the future I will…

4. Ask for forgiveness.  Plain and simple. It is a powerful gesture, because it is a humble exchange of vulnerability and power. It is also a way to gather closure that really signifies when a conflict has been resolved. Just ensure that it is sincere, and be mindful of tone of voice and body language as you say it.

Please forgive me.../Will you forgive me.../Can you forgive me

Let’s take a look at these 2 scenarios for example:

“Look, I said I’m sorry if you feel like I hurt your feelings, but you were being a jerk to me. You should know by now I was joking anyway. Besides, I had a bad day and it would be nice if you could understand that. Can we drop it now?”

"I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings. I wish I hadn’t said those things to you because it made you feel sad. Next time, I will do my best to let you know that I’ve had a bad day and I will work on calming down before taking my anger out on you. Will you forgive me?"

Which one would make you feel more heard, validated, and understood? Most likely B! The beautiful thing about this kind of apology is that you will invite the other person to reciprocate the apology process and reflect what they are learning from you back to you. This means when you initiate an apology, you get to be the catalyst for change. Talk about power!

Remember, you don’t have to apologize for feeling some type of way. For example, you’re not apologizing for getting mad. What you are apologizing for is genuinely causing someone else distress. And acknowledging that is how to show love and care. (“I’m not sorry for having a bad day. I am sorry that because of my bad day, I made you feel bad, too.)

Need some help figuring out how to issue an apology for your particular scenario? Or struggling with feeling weak or too vulnerable to apologize? I’d like to help. Call me today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online!

9 Communication Traps to Avoid

The majority of couples that I work with (and even individuals) tell me that communication is a struggle for them. Either they don’t feel heard or understood, or they can’t keep a simple disagreement from escalating to unhealthy levels, or they feel like what they say isn’t important. HOW you argue is more important that HOW OFTEN you argue. If you have daily spats, but are able to address them quickly and create a resolve, that can be more healthy than arguing once a month, but never resolving the issue and communicating in a way that harms the relationship. One of the first steps in learning to communicate clearly and effectively is understanding what to eliminate in your communication style.

1. Criticism. Criticism is a guaranteed way to set up a conversation to fail. Critical comments (when unsolicited) paint the other person’s character in a bad light, usually to make someone right and someone wrong. These statements usually start with the word “YOU” followed by something negative. (You never listen to me, you think you’re always right, you’re just so selfish, you are inconsiderate and thoughtless).

2. Defensiveness. Defensiveness is a natural and triggered response to criticism. It pulls you into playing the game of “let’s find the bad guy” to ultimately decide who is right and who is wrong. Some examples include making excuses or trying to justify your behavior, firing back with your own complaint, saying YES-- BUT (appearing to agree, then disagreeing), or repeating yourself without hearing the other person.

3. Contempt. Contempt is extremely dangerous in relationships because it is intended to insult their character or cause harm. Contempt is like throwing the below-the-belt-punch, or pouring salt on the wound. It is often spiteful and vindictive. Sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, and even laughing at your partner’s hurt, rolling your eyes, or asking rhetorical questions that your partner can’t answer are all communication traps that display disrespect and disregard for the other person. This one has the potential to make or break relationships.

4. Stonewalling. Stonewalling is a form of shutting down and withdrawing to escape conflict at all costs. While it looks like you’re trying to end the conflict, it conveys distance, disconnect, and creates an icy chill that leaves the other person feeling alone. Examples include physically leaving the room during conflict, giving the silent treatment, one-word responses (yep, ok, whatever, sure, nope, alright, fine…).

5. Overgeneralizing. This happens when you attach all-inclusive words such as always, never, everybody, nobody, every time, all. This will suck you into a debate about facts. Saying “You never listen to me” might trigger a defensive response like “That’s not true. I listen to you sometimes.” Again, you get sucked into arguing about who is right and wrong instead of the heart of the matter.

6. Lacking Empathy. When we get pulled into a “who is right and who is wrong” dynamic, it becomes increasingly difficult to really hear what your partner is saying, especially if you’re playing defense. We then begin listening to respond instead listening to understand. (I am going to hear what you are saying but in my mind I am already formulating a response based on how wrong you are versus I am trying to really understand how you’re upset or how that I hurt you or caused you pain--whether intentional or not.) If you can learn to connect and imagine putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, it is easier to attend to what they are trying to communicate to you, and makes it easier to find resolve. The reason is that it will validate the other person’s feelings, and conveys understanding. When they ask themselves the question “are you really there for me?” the answer will be YES.

7. Win vs. Lose. This mentality is a trap for relationships and communication because it implies that if one person is right, the other must be wrong rather than offering the possibility that both parties can be both right AND wrong. It isn’t always an either/or dichotomy. However, even if you can own when you make mistakes, being able to address that can quell the fire and draw you partner closer. At the end of the day, isn’t that WIN/WIN?

8. Lack of Accountability. Accountability is one of the cornerstones of trust. When we fail to acknowledge our role in conflict or someone’s pain and we don’t own it, we lose their ability to trust us more fully. The relationship can then become compromised and begin to break down. Accountability is a measure of integrity, and someone being willing to do the right thing even when it is difficult. Accountability means owning your stuff (not justifying your behavior) and recognizing when you make a mistake, genuinely apologizing that someone experienced pain, making amends, and problem solving how to keep it from happening again. “I took my anger out on you. I did not mean to hurt you. I am truly sorry for that. I will work on not blowing up on you.” vs “Sorry if I hurt you, ok? Let’s just drop it. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but I was upset.”

9. Arguing Perspective. If you were raised to believe the color of the sky is green while your partner was raised to believe it is yellow, you cannot convince them that the sky is infact green any more than they can convince you to believe it is yellow. This is a trap for communication, again, because it sets you up to argue right vs. wrong, making someone a bad guy, and someone the loser of the battle. Understand that both perspectives are valid and have merit. The sooner you can appreciate the other person’s perspective (understand how it makes sense to them) and respect it (that doesn’t mean agree with it), the quicker you can restore connection, empathy, and the ability to resolve conflict quickly.

Do you notice some of these traps happening in your relationship? Want to learn how to change it? Call me today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online!

HOW DOES COUPLES THERAPY WORK?

Perhaps you’re considering working with a couples therapist to improve your relationship, but may be wondering how it works. Here’s a bit about what you can expect to learn when you work with a therapist that specializes in working with couples and relationships.

Your therapist will assess you as a couple, asking questions about your relationship to gather some context and will likely ask some questions about your family to get a bigger picture of everything that is going on that may contribute to the issues popping up in your relationship. Your therapist will be on the lookout for patterns that keep you stuck, deeper issues that suggest what you’re really fighting about, and what it is you’re really trying to communicate to each other. Couples therapy can help you create:

Clarity. Sometimes couples come to therapy trying to decide if they want to work on the relationship or if they want to end it. Working with a therapist can help give you clarity and help you decide if you want to rebuild a marriage, make a renewed commitment, or clarify reasons to end the relationship.

Perspective. Your therapist will teach you that you can’t argue perspective, which is where many couples get tripped up. You will learn to take into account each other’s opinions and perspectives and rather than arguing about which one is right, learning that both are valid. This can provide a neutral territory to help couples work through tough issues or touchy subjects or even put aside emotional baggage that could be holding you back in your relationship.

Education. It is helpful if you know a little bit about how therapy works. Your therapist can teach you a bit about romantic love and how you got off track, offering you some analysis based on your assessment. This information will set the foundation for you, so that you know where you got off track, and what you’ll be working toward. Your therapist will likely explain the process to you, helping you to understand that change won’t happen overnight. Sometimes after leaving therapy, you will either feel good or you will have a fight. Neither means that therapy is or is not working. It just means you’re poking the bear a bit. You will probably feel some relief and get some good traction after a few sessions, but will likely fall into old patterns because they’re just not in your muscle memory yet. Continuing sessions gets you out of that rut and back on track quickly so that you can continue to learn and grow. Each time you hit a rut, it isn’t as deep and you learn to get out quickly without the help of your therapist. Usually, you’re seeing really good progress around session 8-10. It’s kind of like this: imagine you want to lose weight and you’re motivated and committed. You eat healthy and go to the gym for a week, but it probably doesn’t mean you hit your weight loss goal. You may be faced with feeling good or feeling defeated based on your progress or lack thereof. Wouldn’t it be nice if you had someone keeping you on track and motivating you to stick with it? Now imagine you’re a month into your weight loss journey and you’ve seen some progress. It becomes really easy to treat yourself by indulging in cheat meals or slacking at the gym, which will get you back where you started. Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone alongside you see this pattern and encourage you to get back on track? Imagine you’re 6 months into your weight loss journey and now healthy eating and exercise is so ingrained in your daily lifestyle that you can’t imagine doing it differently. After all, you’ve met your goal, you look great, feel great, and perhaps you’re inspired to be a better parent, partner, employee, or friend. Now, it is in your muscle memory.

Communication. One of the biggest complaints I hear from couples is that they don’t know how to communicate. In reality, we are doing a lot of communicating (yelling, blaming, nagging, giving the cold shoulder or silent treatment), and none of it is actually a way to get closer. Your therapist can help you identify what is at the heart of the matter and hone in on what you’re really trying to communicate so that your positive intentions are not masked by hurtful behavior. You will learn how to listen, how to ask for what you need, how to respond in a way that leaves you feeling close and connected, and how to be heard and validated.

Honesty & Vulnerability. You will learn how to be more open than ever. Even if you’re not an “emotional” person or don’t like “deep conversations,” you can learn to communicate longings, fears, and frustrations, which requires some level of vulnerability. You will also learn the importance of vulnerability in a relationship, and what will happen if vulnerability cannot exist.

Conflict Resolution. Many couples learn to communicate well and begin to express when they’re upset or hurt, but many struggle to find a resolve. Working with a couples therapist can help you create solutions that work for both partners, and ask for what you need specifically. This coupled with your other tools gives you a foundation to help you solve future issues.

Trust. Did you know there are multiple ingredients to trust? Your therapist can help you identify the key ingredients to having a trusting relationship. If there has been an affair or a deep betrayal or loss of trust, your therapist can work with you to learn how to get it back by teaching you what to look for and how to have constructive conversations about it.

Intimacy. Couples therapy can help you to address emotional, physical, and sexual blocks that erode your intimacy or your ability to really draw close, engage with one another, and really know one another on an intimate level. This is sometimes the final change couples notice in the relationship, and the one that truly sustains them. Ending couples therapy early can rob you of finally achieving this really important ingredient to lasting love. Once you’ve achieved this, you will be able to say “my partner is really there for me when I really need them and meets my needs,” finally giving you peace of mind...and heart.

Looking for peace of mind and heart in your own relationship? Ready to give couple’s therapy a try? Let’s get started! Call me today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online 24/7!

Welcome to Therapy & Co. Counseling

We here at Therapy & Co. are a counseling center nestled in the beautiful historic district of downtown Carrollton, Georgia that is dedicated to helping people have happier, more fulfilling relationships and lives.

Counseling for couples who want to stop having the same argument over and over again and have the relationship and love they want. Counseling is available for all relationships, including premarital counseling, marriage enrichment, marriage counseling, discernment counseling, and family counseling.

At Therapy & Co., we value integrity and make it our mission to love clients to and through our practice. We wanted to develop a different kind of counseling center: one that makes the client the cornerstone of everything we do. At the end of the day, we want our clients to have peace of mind and heart. Our job is to make your life a bit easier. Our therapists like to keep smaller caseloads so that they can be more available and accessible to you and can devote extra time to you when needed. We like to ensure our office is as private and comfortable as possible, as there is discreet parking in the back of the building, as well as a front and rear entrance. We often schedule clients so that they don't bump into each other in the waiting area. We recognize this is a small town and people value their privacy and confidentiality.

If you're looking for compassionate and expert counseling, please call us at 678-796-8255.