The Question You Need to Stop Asking if You Want to Have More Sex

We hear it all the time in our office: My partner isn’t interested in sex.

"I do my best to help out with household duties or kids, or provide to the best of my ability, to be a good friend (and if you struggle doing those things, stop reading this post and call us ASAP!), but it seems like no matter what I do every time I ask 'want to have sex?' That I am shot down."

“I’m tired.”

“I have a headache.”

“I don’t feel good.”

“I have to get these dishes done.”

“It is late.”

These are common responses we often hear. But the problem isn’t what you think. It isn’t necessarily in any of those excuses/reasons. Not that they aren’t true to some extent. But the problem lies in the question.

“Want to have sex?”

“Wanna do it?”

“Can we have sex?”

And often times it is preceded or followed by a crotch grab, ass pinch, or nipple flick. Not the BEST way to turn your partner on. Additionally, this question forces your partner to contemplate 2 things: Am I feeling DESIRE right now (Do I WANT to have sex) and am I AROUSED (is my body having a physical sexual response such as lubrication, erection, tingling between the legs). Neither of which are often the case simply because there hasn’t been enough time to get there. You’re expecting your partner to perform on the spot. This kind of spontaneity is tough to come by (more on that in a later post). And unfortunately, the answer is NO more times than not. And the reason for that is that the question creates the sense that sex is yet another thing that must be checked off the to-do list, making it feel like a chore. And how many of us get turned on by thinking of chores? If you want your partner to stop feeling like sex is a chore, stop asking that question.

Instead, ask THIS question:

Are you OPEN to the IDEA of sex? Or Are you OPEN to the IDEA of getting turned on?

This question gives your partner the option to say yes without it feeling like this obligatory “i have to say yes to keep my partner happy” thing. Now, they are giving you the opportunity for sex to be a possibility. Then you can take steps to turn your partner on and get them from being open to the idea to willing to be with you sexually. This allows for more fun, more passion, more foreplay, more arousal. It isn’t that your partner isn’t in the mood. You just have to help them get there.

If you aren’t sure what turns you on or turns your partner on, or are still having a hard time in the bedroom or just wonder if your sex life is normal, ”sex therapy can help. Call us today at 678-796-8255 to schedule an appointment, sign up for email coaching, or book online with our sex therapist and let’s see if we can help you turn the heat up.

When Relationships End: Who Can Help?

Often times, couples are broken into a few different categories:

• those who are together and happy
• those who are together and unhappy but are trying to repair the relationship
• those who are together, unhappy, and are not sure what they want to do (and are "stuck")
• and then those who have made the decision to end the relationship.

As couples therapists, we usually work with clients in the first 3 categories. But, who works with those who are ending a relationship, are going through a breakup or divorce, or are trying to get back on track after a relationship has ended? A marriage therapist can still be a great type of counselor to consider. Here’s how they can help:

Ending a relationship can often times be gut-wrenching. Couples often have to navigate how to separate themselves from the person they are so used to being in contact with. Couples also have to figure out lots of other complicated things: finances, children, pets, personal belongings, property, not to mention how to break the news to loved ones and so on. Working with a couples therapist in these circumstances can help you learn how to decouple and help you understand what to expect in that process. Many times, there is a grieving process, and one or both partners are devastated and in pain that the relationship has ended. A marriage therapist can help navigate you through discovering your new identity outside of your past relationship, grow your self esteem, and really focus on YOU and your growth and healing. If you’ve always viewed yourself as “his wife” or “the kids’ mom”, you may need a little nudge exploring yourself and who you are and really getting to know and like that person, or even exploring how to get back on your own feet and create a newfound independence. You can also reflect on the relationship and learn much needed lessons from it that will keep you focused on the future and potential solutions rather than stuck in the pain of the past.

At other times, relationships are so toxic, that ending it may come as a relief. Keep in mind that we often don’t take into account what to expect after we’ve made the decision to end the relationship. It is often the case that if we don’t examine the relationship, we will unknowingly repeat old relationship patterns that could contribute to the demise of future relationships or choose partners that are unhealthy for us.

Perhaps you have children together. Working with a marriage and family therapist can help you explore how to tell your children, how to support them, what reactions from them you can expect, how to identify your goals as parents and how to co-parent as peacefully and successfully as possible.

Eventually after the relationship has ended, and you may want to move forward into another relationship. Working with a marriage or couples therapist can help you navigate the dating world, how to know your boundaries in relationships, how to know what you want (and how to ask for it), how to measure if someone is trustworthy or not, and help you look at possible mates objectively so that you can take note of any red flags that may later be a deal-breaker for you.

We understand that ending a relationship is not always an easy decision. You may toggle back and forth and question if you’re doing the right thing or not. And ultimately, it is your decision. So, whether you’re wanting to be a better version of yourself, have some help dealing with the pain, understand what’s next, be the best parent possible, or avoid repeating old habits, working with a marriage therapist can be a really great step toward healing and moving forward.

If you’re struggling with a relationship ending and could use some support in figuring it all out, we would love to be there for you. Give us a call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule online!

Will My Therapist Tell Me to Divorce?

So, you may be thinking about marriage or couples counseling and have started looking for a therapist. Finding the right fit can be confusing and sometimes a bit of a challenge, especially if you don't know what to expect. Many clients are nervous that when they finally do meet with their therapist, they will be met with some kind of fate about the relationship and that they will possibly hear something they don't want to. This is extremely normal and common for many individuals and couples pursuing therapy. If you're wondering if a therapist will tell you what to do regarding your relationship, then we have an answer for you.

Often times, we find ourselves working with 2 kinds of clients when it comes to this topic: the kind who want to leave the relationship and are afraid of being told to stay (whether it is for financial, religious, or moral reasons) and those who want to stay in the relationship but are afraid of being told they are crazy for staying and should thus leave or divorce. So, will we tell you to stay in a relationship or leave it? The answer is no.

We work with lots of couples, and we have seen a little bit of everything. With that being said, we really value marriage and the fulfillment that comes with a healthy and highly satisfying relationship. On the other hand, we also value clients' individual needs and how sometimes the way to live a life of fulfillment means to leave a relationship that doesn't allow for safety, security, and satisfaction. It is our job to meet clients where they are at and support them in their decision making. This means that we are not at all invested in whether you stay in the relationship or leave it. Sounds a little crazy coming from a couples clinic, right?

Here's our reasoning: If we get too invested in you working on your marriage when you really want to leave, you will likely feel judged, unable to be honest in session, and most likely won't see progress because you won't be invested in repairing the relationship. This simply isn't helpful for you. Also, if you really want to stay in the relationship but we are invested in you ending it, then you may feel like something is wrong for you for wanting to stay. Instead, our job is not to force you to stay or leave. Our job is to help you take a look at the relationship as a whole, all of the moving parts within the relationship, and yourself/your mate on an individual level so that you can make the best decision for YOU...and not what your well-meaning friends and family want you to do or think you should do.

We are invested in one thing: your integrity. If you decide to end the relationship, we have your back and will support you in your decision and help you navigate the next steps. If you decide that you're all in and you want to work on the relationship, then we have your back there and will support you in that decision. It is important to us that you get what you need, that you can be honest with your therapist, and that you can make decisions that feel authentic and genuine for you, so that you can begin to live an authentic life where you feel confident about your decisions. After all, they are your decisions...not someone else's. 

You may be wondering, "but what if I am torn and I don't know what decision to make?" That's ok. We can meet you where you're at, explore all your options, consider all factors, and examine your needs so that we can help you arrive at a decision that is best for you and your mate. And if you need some time to figure it all out, that's ok. We will have your back, no matter what.

Ready to start exploring what the next best step is for you and your relationship without judgment or force? We are here to help. Call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule online and let's see how we can get started.

BENEFITS OF PREMARITAL COUNSELING

As a couples and marriage therapist, there is one area of the field that I wish was more popular: premarital counseling. I cringe a little bit inside every time I hear a couple say they don’t need pre-marital counseling because: “we never argue,” or “we get along so well,” or “we agree on almost everything,” or “we are just so happy already.” While that may be true, premarital counseling can be very effective in setting the tone for how resilient your marriage is when those tough waves come rolling in. Premarital counseling can help you prepare for your marriage, and not just the wedding. The wedding lasts for one day, but the marriage is intended to last forever.

Realistic Expectations. Every relationship has peaks and valleys. If you assume that your relationship will only be comprised of peaks, you are already setting yourself up for failure. In fact, many couples grow closer together during the valleys if they know exactly how to do so. Premarital counseling can help you discover what you should be discussing with each other, begin having conversations about how you can handle the valleys, and learn how to predict them.

Marital Satisfaction. According to a survey published in the Journal of Family Psychology, couples with premarital education reported higher levels of marital satisfaction and experienced a 30 percent decline in the likelihood of divorce over five years.

Early Intervention. Married couples tend to wait on average 7 years before seeking professional help with marital issues. This means there has been a lot of time for anger, frustration, resentment and emotional distance to creep in. The benefit of premarital counseling is that it can help you nix potential issues before they snowball into larger problems.

Cutting Edge. Marriage counseling has about an 80% success rate for couples who already report having issues keeping them stuck. Committing to premarital counseling now can give you an advantageous edge over couples who decide to go into the marriage without help or insight.

Solid Foundation. It sets the stage for the relationship. By committing to premarital counseling, you are demonstrating that your relationship is a priority, even when things are going well. Learning how to stay connected to each other is often easier to do when things are going well, rather than when intense emotions are running high. I like to think of it like this: imagine you buy a house to remodel it, and it has really ugly carpet, floors, cabinets, wall colors, etc. But, you can see the potential in it if only you can fix the cosmetic issues and make it pretty again. Now imagine there is a crack in the foundation of the house. It won’t matter how pretty it is on the inside if a cracked foundation means it all could crumble and come crashing down later. Let’s reinforce that foundation early on.

Overcome Fear. You can banish the fear that talking about the relationship will cause more problems. Some couples are worried that premarital counseling can shed light on problems in the relationship, wanting to avoid it altogether. Although, the opposite is true, as addressing it early on can help you learn to resolve conflict or get your needs met quickly and effectively. In fact, in my experience, couples who avoid conflict because of fear of rocking the boat eventually become dissatisfied in their marriage, as do couples who argue over and over with no resolution.

Communicate. You will learn how to communicate. Premarital counseling can help you understand why couples fight, learn how to fight fairly and in a way that won’t be damaging or destructive to the relationship, and how to stop a fight before it begins. So regardless of conversations about money, sex, kids, family/friends, or religion, you will know how to have constructive conversations.

Gain wisdom. The beauty in working with a therapist or a counseling who offers premarital counseling is that they have likely had hundreds or thousands of couples in their office who have been struggling in their relationship. Consider your therapist a wealth of knowledge who can shed some insight on the most common reasons they’ve seen couples split up, or why some relationships worked better than others.

Build rapport. Working with a premarital therapist already gets you connected and established with a professional in the area of romantic relationships. Moving forward in your marriage, if you do have issues arise and want to sort it out with a neutral third party, you will already have that contact and that rapport built with someone who knows you and your relationship. It makes it much easier to pick up the phone and say “Hey, remember me? I’d love to make an appointment with you.”

Smart Investment. Money is probably one of the biggest reasons many people don’t commit to premarital counseling. It can be expensive, of course. But so is a wedding dress, and venue, flowers, catering, etc. However, I also know that premarital counseling is a cheaper alternative to a divorce and divorce attorney fees. Plain and simple, premarital counseling is the one thing that gives you a return on your investment when you’re planning a wedding by helping you actually prepare for marriage, making you smart!

Marriage License Discount. Speaking of money, you can often receive a discount on your marriage license fee (usually around $76 in Carrollton, Ga) or have your marriage license fee waived completely in some counties if you complete a premarital counseling course. In Carroll County, you receive a $40 discount, reducing your marriage license fee to $36.

If you are ready to maximize your experience with your future spouse and are interested in giving premarital counseling a try, call me today at 678-796-8255 and we can see if it is a good fit for you!