When to Apologize and How to Do it Well

Apologizing is no easy feat. I work with many couples, families, and individuals who are hurting, and want their loved ones to recognize their hurt, and expect an apology in some capacity. But, why is apologizing so hard to do? And if we don’t mean it, should we still apologize? We have conceptualized apologizing as a vehicle for admitting we are wrong,  smoothing things over, or giving in, any of which signify that we may be weak. Contrary to popular belief, it takes great strength and courage to dare to apologize, and here is guide for when to do it, and how to do it well.

When to apologize:

Someone expresses that you’ve hurt them in some way. Whether you’re told (sometimes not so gracefully) that you’ve upset, angered, disappointed, embarrassed, scared, betrayed, etc someone, this person has become vulnerable enough to share difficult feelings and upset with you. When you can acknowledge their hurt, you are vulnerable in response. That mutual vulnerability is the antidote to shame, secrecy, and silence, and thus becomes the basis for human connection, and in couples, it breeds intimacy. Apologizing in this context can be empowering for several reasons: you hold yourself accountable for your actions/reactions, you demonstrate integrity, and the ability to remain non-judgmental when someone is open and honest and vulnerable with you. As a result, TRUST is born.

When you want to feel closer to someone with whom you feel there is distance. An apology has the ability to soothe and heal because it is a form of validation. The reason is because when you acknowledge how you hurt someone (whether it was intentional or not, and whether you agree with it or not), you are really saying “I’m there for you. I care about you. Your feelings are important to me and matter to me. I am willing to listen and understand you, even when it is difficult to do. I’ve got your back.” As a result, TRUST is rebuilt.

How to apologize:

1. Apologize for the thing they are upset about or hurt over.

    I’m sorry for.../I apologize for.../I feel really bad for...

2. Acknowledge their pain by owning your mistakes/wrongdoings/or your role in the pain you caused someone else. This does not mean admitting you’re wrong when you really believe you’re right. This means validating how the other person felt about your actions without justifying your behavior. If you justify your behavior, it doesn’t feel genuine; it’s getting defensive.

    This was wrong because.../It made you feel.../I wish I hadn’t because..

3. Make amends by strategizing and problem solving how you can work to change things in the future. This step trips people up because it is often the missing ingredient in conflict resolution. Making amends means you have every intention of trying not to repeat this behavior and it demonstrates a plan of action.

Next time.../In the future I will…

4. Ask for forgiveness.  Plain and simple. It is a powerful gesture, because it is a humble exchange of vulnerability and power. It is also a way to gather closure that really signifies when a conflict has been resolved. Just ensure that it is sincere, and be mindful of tone of voice and body language as you say it.

Please forgive me.../Will you forgive me.../Can you forgive me

Let’s take a look at these 2 scenarios for example:

“Look, I said I’m sorry if you feel like I hurt your feelings, but you were being a jerk to me. You should know by now I was joking anyway. Besides, I had a bad day and it would be nice if you could understand that. Can we drop it now?”

"I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings. I wish I hadn’t said those things to you because it made you feel sad. Next time, I will do my best to let you know that I’ve had a bad day and I will work on calming down before taking my anger out on you. Will you forgive me?"

Which one would make you feel more heard, validated, and understood? Most likely B! The beautiful thing about this kind of apology is that you will invite the other person to reciprocate the apology process and reflect what they are learning from you back to you. This means when you initiate an apology, you get to be the catalyst for change. Talk about power!

Remember, you don’t have to apologize for feeling some type of way. For example, you’re not apologizing for getting mad. What you are apologizing for is genuinely causing someone else distress. And acknowledging that is how to show love and care. (“I’m not sorry for having a bad day. I am sorry that because of my bad day, I made you feel bad, too.)

Need some help figuring out how to issue an apology for your particular scenario? Or struggling with feeling weak or too vulnerable to apologize? I’d like to help. Call me today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online!

9 Communication Traps to Avoid

The majority of couples that I work with (and even individuals) tell me that communication is a struggle for them. Either they don’t feel heard or understood, or they can’t keep a simple disagreement from escalating to unhealthy levels, or they feel like what they say isn’t important. HOW you argue is more important that HOW OFTEN you argue. If you have daily spats, but are able to address them quickly and create a resolve, that can be more healthy than arguing once a month, but never resolving the issue and communicating in a way that harms the relationship. One of the first steps in learning to communicate clearly and effectively is understanding what to eliminate in your communication style.

1. Criticism. Criticism is a guaranteed way to set up a conversation to fail. Critical comments (when unsolicited) paint the other person’s character in a bad light, usually to make someone right and someone wrong. These statements usually start with the word “YOU” followed by something negative. (You never listen to me, you think you’re always right, you’re just so selfish, you are inconsiderate and thoughtless).

2. Defensiveness. Defensiveness is a natural and triggered response to criticism. It pulls you into playing the game of “let’s find the bad guy” to ultimately decide who is right and who is wrong. Some examples include making excuses or trying to justify your behavior, firing back with your own complaint, saying YES-- BUT (appearing to agree, then disagreeing), or repeating yourself without hearing the other person.

3. Contempt. Contempt is extremely dangerous in relationships because it is intended to insult their character or cause harm. Contempt is like throwing the below-the-belt-punch, or pouring salt on the wound. It is often spiteful and vindictive. Sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, and even laughing at your partner’s hurt, rolling your eyes, or asking rhetorical questions that your partner can’t answer are all communication traps that display disrespect and disregard for the other person. This one has the potential to make or break relationships.

4. Stonewalling. Stonewalling is a form of shutting down and withdrawing to escape conflict at all costs. While it looks like you’re trying to end the conflict, it conveys distance, disconnect, and creates an icy chill that leaves the other person feeling alone. Examples include physically leaving the room during conflict, giving the silent treatment, one-word responses (yep, ok, whatever, sure, nope, alright, fine…).

5. Overgeneralizing. This happens when you attach all-inclusive words such as always, never, everybody, nobody, every time, all. This will suck you into a debate about facts. Saying “You never listen to me” might trigger a defensive response like “That’s not true. I listen to you sometimes.” Again, you get sucked into arguing about who is right and wrong instead of the heart of the matter.

6. Lacking Empathy. When we get pulled into a “who is right and who is wrong” dynamic, it becomes increasingly difficult to really hear what your partner is saying, especially if you’re playing defense. We then begin listening to respond instead listening to understand. (I am going to hear what you are saying but in my mind I am already formulating a response based on how wrong you are versus I am trying to really understand how you’re upset or how that I hurt you or caused you pain--whether intentional or not.) If you can learn to connect and imagine putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, it is easier to attend to what they are trying to communicate to you, and makes it easier to find resolve. The reason is that it will validate the other person’s feelings, and conveys understanding. When they ask themselves the question “are you really there for me?” the answer will be YES.

7. Win vs. Lose. This mentality is a trap for relationships and communication because it implies that if one person is right, the other must be wrong rather than offering the possibility that both parties can be both right AND wrong. It isn’t always an either/or dichotomy. However, even if you can own when you make mistakes, being able to address that can quell the fire and draw you partner closer. At the end of the day, isn’t that WIN/WIN?

8. Lack of Accountability. Accountability is one of the cornerstones of trust. When we fail to acknowledge our role in conflict or someone’s pain and we don’t own it, we lose their ability to trust us more fully. The relationship can then become compromised and begin to break down. Accountability is a measure of integrity, and someone being willing to do the right thing even when it is difficult. Accountability means owning your stuff (not justifying your behavior) and recognizing when you make a mistake, genuinely apologizing that someone experienced pain, making amends, and problem solving how to keep it from happening again. “I took my anger out on you. I did not mean to hurt you. I am truly sorry for that. I will work on not blowing up on you.” vs “Sorry if I hurt you, ok? Let’s just drop it. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but I was upset.”

9. Arguing Perspective. If you were raised to believe the color of the sky is green while your partner was raised to believe it is yellow, you cannot convince them that the sky is infact green any more than they can convince you to believe it is yellow. This is a trap for communication, again, because it sets you up to argue right vs. wrong, making someone a bad guy, and someone the loser of the battle. Understand that both perspectives are valid and have merit. The sooner you can appreciate the other person’s perspective (understand how it makes sense to them) and respect it (that doesn’t mean agree with it), the quicker you can restore connection, empathy, and the ability to resolve conflict quickly.

Do you notice some of these traps happening in your relationship? Want to learn how to change it? Call me today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online!

HOW DOES COUPLES THERAPY WORK?

Perhaps you’re considering working with a couples therapist to improve your relationship, but may be wondering how it works. Here’s a bit about what you can expect to learn when you work with a therapist that specializes in working with couples and relationships.

Your therapist will assess you as a couple, asking questions about your relationship to gather some context and will likely ask some questions about your family to get a bigger picture of everything that is going on that may contribute to the issues popping up in your relationship. Your therapist will be on the lookout for patterns that keep you stuck, deeper issues that suggest what you’re really fighting about, and what it is you’re really trying to communicate to each other. Couples therapy can help you create:

Clarity. Sometimes couples come to therapy trying to decide if they want to work on the relationship or if they want to end it. Working with a therapist can help give you clarity and help you decide if you want to rebuild a marriage, make a renewed commitment, or clarify reasons to end the relationship.

Perspective. Your therapist will teach you that you can’t argue perspective, which is where many couples get tripped up. You will learn to take into account each other’s opinions and perspectives and rather than arguing about which one is right, learning that both are valid. This can provide a neutral territory to help couples work through tough issues or touchy subjects or even put aside emotional baggage that could be holding you back in your relationship.

Education. It is helpful if you know a little bit about how therapy works. Your therapist can teach you a bit about romantic love and how you got off track, offering you some analysis based on your assessment. This information will set the foundation for you, so that you know where you got off track, and what you’ll be working toward. Your therapist will likely explain the process to you, helping you to understand that change won’t happen overnight. Sometimes after leaving therapy, you will either feel good or you will have a fight. Neither means that therapy is or is not working. It just means you’re poking the bear a bit. You will probably feel some relief and get some good traction after a few sessions, but will likely fall into old patterns because they’re just not in your muscle memory yet. Continuing sessions gets you out of that rut and back on track quickly so that you can continue to learn and grow. Each time you hit a rut, it isn’t as deep and you learn to get out quickly without the help of your therapist. Usually, you’re seeing really good progress around session 8-10. It’s kind of like this: imagine you want to lose weight and you’re motivated and committed. You eat healthy and go to the gym for a week, but it probably doesn’t mean you hit your weight loss goal. You may be faced with feeling good or feeling defeated based on your progress or lack thereof. Wouldn’t it be nice if you had someone keeping you on track and motivating you to stick with it? Now imagine you’re a month into your weight loss journey and you’ve seen some progress. It becomes really easy to treat yourself by indulging in cheat meals or slacking at the gym, which will get you back where you started. Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone alongside you see this pattern and encourage you to get back on track? Imagine you’re 6 months into your weight loss journey and now healthy eating and exercise is so ingrained in your daily lifestyle that you can’t imagine doing it differently. After all, you’ve met your goal, you look great, feel great, and perhaps you’re inspired to be a better parent, partner, employee, or friend. Now, it is in your muscle memory.

Communication. One of the biggest complaints I hear from couples is that they don’t know how to communicate. In reality, we are doing a lot of communicating (yelling, blaming, nagging, giving the cold shoulder or silent treatment), and none of it is actually a way to get closer. Your therapist can help you identify what is at the heart of the matter and hone in on what you’re really trying to communicate so that your positive intentions are not masked by hurtful behavior. You will learn how to listen, how to ask for what you need, how to respond in a way that leaves you feeling close and connected, and how to be heard and validated.

Honesty & Vulnerability. You will learn how to be more open than ever. Even if you’re not an “emotional” person or don’t like “deep conversations,” you can learn to communicate longings, fears, and frustrations, which requires some level of vulnerability. You will also learn the importance of vulnerability in a relationship, and what will happen if vulnerability cannot exist.

Conflict Resolution. Many couples learn to communicate well and begin to express when they’re upset or hurt, but many struggle to find a resolve. Working with a couples therapist can help you create solutions that work for both partners, and ask for what you need specifically. This coupled with your other tools gives you a foundation to help you solve future issues.

Trust. Did you know there are multiple ingredients to trust? Your therapist can help you identify the key ingredients to having a trusting relationship. If there has been an affair or a deep betrayal or loss of trust, your therapist can work with you to learn how to get it back by teaching you what to look for and how to have constructive conversations about it.

Intimacy. Couples therapy can help you to address emotional, physical, and sexual blocks that erode your intimacy or your ability to really draw close, engage with one another, and really know one another on an intimate level. This is sometimes the final change couples notice in the relationship, and the one that truly sustains them. Ending couples therapy early can rob you of finally achieving this really important ingredient to lasting love. Once you’ve achieved this, you will be able to say “my partner is really there for me when I really need them and meets my needs,” finally giving you peace of mind...and heart.

Looking for peace of mind and heart in your own relationship? Ready to give couple’s therapy a try? Let’s get started! Call me today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online 24/7!