The Thing You're Doing That's Killing Your Sex Life

I often hear my female clients say  “My husband is like having another child.”  “I have to tell him how to do everything: how to load the dishwasher the right way, remind him about his doctor appointments, tell him where the kid’s pajamas are, or tell him how much money is in our bank account, or that he should stop looking at his phone (porn/video games/etc) all The time and look at me instead.”

I often hear my male clients say “My wife nags me and is always on my ass. It seems like I can’t do anything right. If I help out with the kids, I didn’t do it her way or the RIGHT way, if I ask how to do it to please her, she's mad that I don’t just know how to do it, and if I don’t do it at all, then I’m really screwed. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”

(Sometimes we see these roles reversed, but this is the example we are using for the sake of the point we are about to make.)

Does it feel like you have to parent your spouse? Or does it feel like you spouse is policing and critiquing your every move? Then, this is for you.

If you get caught up in mommying or daddying your partner, or treating them like an employee, then it is KILLING your libido. Who wants to have sex with a micromanaging boss? Or their parent? It is a total turn off. Wives end up emasculating their husbands (cutting their testicles off) and the husbands end up making their wives feel like they are lackluster employees or little girls getting scolded by the principle. This leaves us to respond in 1 of 2 ways:  we either get compliant to “please” or we want to “rebel.” Both of which are major boner killers (lady boners included).

So, without getting offended,  I ask you to consider how might you be parenting your spouse, treating them like a child, infantilizing them, protecting them? The result is almost always a power struggle which leads to conflict and discord both in and out of the bedroom.

Learning to have difficult conversations as adults means we have to stop acting like toddlers and start acting like grown ups so that we can start negotiating as LOVERS, which is what you were to begin with anyway, right? This means we have to learn how to ask for our wants and needs to be met without DEMANDING or setting unrealistic expectations that are rigid and don’t allow for any flexibility. If you want a lover  or An equal, you have to dig deep and be willing to examine what responses, actions, and reactions you have that create the opposite effect. And for what it’s worth, we all have a little work to do it this department. The really hard part is being willing to do the work.

“But doing the work feels like effort! I’m already tapped out!”

I get it. And totally understand that it does seem like effort you invest with possible little or questionable return on your investment. However, I challenge you…. whatever you're doing now also takes a lot of effort. Staying stuck, mad, frustrated, unappreciated, unhappy, unloved, unsexy, bored and fighting about it is draining your energy and sucking the life out of you and the sex out of your relationship. Sitting in a dry desert without any water is hard. Walking to a water source when you’re wilted and exhausted is hard. But finally drinking some fresh, cool water is revitalizing and worth it to be revitalized. I promise you, sitting in the dry Desert, thirsty, is much harder. Don’t be afraid of the work if it will breathe life, love, and romance back into your relationship.

In the meantime, be aware of your actions, reactions, and interactions with your partner. Are you angry? Frustrated? Why? Are you going into mommy-mode/daddy-mode or playing cop? Can you express your feelings, needs, wants clearly, kindly, and without blame or critique? Can do you it in a way that doesn't create emotional contagion that runs rampant and uproots the good seeds that have been planted?

Feel like you need some help with this? Unsure of how to talk as lovers instead of parents? Want to feel like lovers again? One of our marriage therapists or sex therapists can help you learn how to level the playing field and rev your sex life back up! Call today at 678-796-8255, schedule online, or inquire about affordable email options to get started!

HOW DOES COUPLES THERAPY WORK?

Perhaps you’re considering working with a couples therapist to improve your relationship, but may be wondering how it works. Here’s a bit about what you can expect to learn when you work with a therapist that specializes in working with couples and relationships.

Your therapist will assess you as a couple, asking questions about your relationship to gather some context and will likely ask some questions about your family to get a bigger picture of everything that is going on that may contribute to the issues popping up in your relationship. Your therapist will be on the lookout for patterns that keep you stuck, deeper issues that suggest what you’re really fighting about, and what it is you’re really trying to communicate to each other. Couples therapy can help you create:

Clarity. Sometimes couples come to therapy trying to decide if they want to work on the relationship or if they want to end it. Working with a therapist can help give you clarity and help you decide if you want to rebuild a marriage, make a renewed commitment, or clarify reasons to end the relationship.

Perspective. Your therapist will teach you that you can’t argue perspective, which is where many couples get tripped up. You will learn to take into account each other’s opinions and perspectives and rather than arguing about which one is right, learning that both are valid. This can provide a neutral territory to help couples work through tough issues or touchy subjects or even put aside emotional baggage that could be holding you back in your relationship.

Education. It is helpful if you know a little bit about how therapy works. Your therapist can teach you a bit about romantic love and how you got off track, offering you some analysis based on your assessment. This information will set the foundation for you, so that you know where you got off track, and what you’ll be working toward. Your therapist will likely explain the process to you, helping you to understand that change won’t happen overnight. Sometimes after leaving therapy, you will either feel good or you will have a fight. Neither means that therapy is or is not working. It just means you’re poking the bear a bit. You will probably feel some relief and get some good traction after a few sessions, but will likely fall into old patterns because they’re just not in your muscle memory yet. Continuing sessions gets you out of that rut and back on track quickly so that you can continue to learn and grow. Each time you hit a rut, it isn’t as deep and you learn to get out quickly without the help of your therapist. Usually, you’re seeing really good progress around session 8-10. It’s kind of like this: imagine you want to lose weight and you’re motivated and committed. You eat healthy and go to the gym for a week, but it probably doesn’t mean you hit your weight loss goal. You may be faced with feeling good or feeling defeated based on your progress or lack thereof. Wouldn’t it be nice if you had someone keeping you on track and motivating you to stick with it? Now imagine you’re a month into your weight loss journey and you’ve seen some progress. It becomes really easy to treat yourself by indulging in cheat meals or slacking at the gym, which will get you back where you started. Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone alongside you see this pattern and encourage you to get back on track? Imagine you’re 6 months into your weight loss journey and now healthy eating and exercise is so ingrained in your daily lifestyle that you can’t imagine doing it differently. After all, you’ve met your goal, you look great, feel great, and perhaps you’re inspired to be a better parent, partner, employee, or friend. Now, it is in your muscle memory.

Communication. One of the biggest complaints I hear from couples is that they don’t know how to communicate. In reality, we are doing a lot of communicating (yelling, blaming, nagging, giving the cold shoulder or silent treatment), and none of it is actually a way to get closer. Your therapist can help you identify what is at the heart of the matter and hone in on what you’re really trying to communicate so that your positive intentions are not masked by hurtful behavior. You will learn how to listen, how to ask for what you need, how to respond in a way that leaves you feeling close and connected, and how to be heard and validated.

Honesty & Vulnerability. You will learn how to be more open than ever. Even if you’re not an “emotional” person or don’t like “deep conversations,” you can learn to communicate longings, fears, and frustrations, which requires some level of vulnerability. You will also learn the importance of vulnerability in a relationship, and what will happen if vulnerability cannot exist.

Conflict Resolution. Many couples learn to communicate well and begin to express when they’re upset or hurt, but many struggle to find a resolve. Working with a couples therapist can help you create solutions that work for both partners, and ask for what you need specifically. This coupled with your other tools gives you a foundation to help you solve future issues.

Trust. Did you know there are multiple ingredients to trust? Your therapist can help you identify the key ingredients to having a trusting relationship. If there has been an affair or a deep betrayal or loss of trust, your therapist can work with you to learn how to get it back by teaching you what to look for and how to have constructive conversations about it.

Intimacy. Couples therapy can help you to address emotional, physical, and sexual blocks that erode your intimacy or your ability to really draw close, engage with one another, and really know one another on an intimate level. This is sometimes the final change couples notice in the relationship, and the one that truly sustains them. Ending couples therapy early can rob you of finally achieving this really important ingredient to lasting love. Once you’ve achieved this, you will be able to say “my partner is really there for me when I really need them and meets my needs,” finally giving you peace of mind...and heart.

Looking for peace of mind and heart in your own relationship? Ready to give couple’s therapy a try? Let’s get started! Call me today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online 24/7!

WHAT HAPPENS IN COUPLES THERAPY?

Considering couples therapy or new to the counseling process? It is normal to be scared and nervous if you’ve never done it before and don’t know what to expect, or if you’ve been to counseling before but are now working with a new therapist.It would likely be helpful if you had some insight to what really happens in couples therapy. While each therapist may be a bit different in their approach, this is just an idea of what it could look like based on how things go when I work with couples. Here is some of what you can expect if you are considering couples therapy.

1. You get comfortable and ready for session. When my clients first arrive, they walk into the lounge/waiting area. It looks like a living room, equipped with couches near the fireplace, soft lighting, and reading material. The waiting room usually isn’t crowded, and I like to keep it that way as best as possible. You will have a moment to use the restroom, have a snack or beverage while you wait. There is not always a secretary or receptionist on duty, so you will have a moment to settle in before your therapist welcomes you and begins session. Depending on your therapist, you may spend a few moments completing paperwork. Some therapists will have you complete paperwork electronically before arriving.

2. Your therapist will greet you and will lead you to the therapy room. You may be offered a cold beverage or hot tea/coffee once in the room. I like to leave almonds and chocolates in the room for my clients, as well as notepads and pens in case you want to take a few notes.

3. In the first session, the therapist will usually spend some time getting to know the both of you, asking questions to gain some insight to your relationship background, and will ask some questions about what is bringing you to therapy. The therapist will be listening and assessing, working to get a sense of what the problem is and how to help you get from where you are to where you want to be. Sometimes, it is difficult to get all of the necessary information about the problem in one session, but the therapist should have a sense of if he/she can help you or not. Toward the end of session, the therapist will offer recommendations based on what is being discussed in session and will talk with you about how to best move forward, working with the you to develop a plan that works best for the both of you. The therapist will usually share a bit about how he/she works best and may provide you with some education about what happened to your relationship, what to expect in therapy moving forward, or you may be given homework or an opportunity to ask questions. Then, if you are a good fit together, you will be rescheduled for your next appointment.

4. In subsequent sessions, your therapist will remain neutral, never judging or blaming you, no matter how shameful or embarrassing the topic may be. You may get some individual time with your therapist to discuss your concerns about your relationship in private. Your therapist also will give you tools, strategies, new insights and perspectives, but they will never tell you if you should end the relationship or not, or if you’re doomed to fail or not. Your therapist presents you with information, and helps you decide where you stand. Your therapist should be invested in you keeping your integrity intact at all times. There may be moments where your therapist challenges you to think outside the box or to begin to think, behave, or relate in new ways that may be difficult at first.

5. As you continue attending your sessions, you will notice some relief and some progress. Your therapist will then discuss with you coming to therapy less frequently, to give you the opportunity to master your new skills independently (think of it like learning to ride a bicycle without training wheels).

6. Once you’ve reached your goals and you feel therapy is over, you will discuss a plan with your therapist about how to move forward, how to recognize warning signs in the future, how to have a plan of action to prevent issues from snowballing into bigger ones, or how you can now take a good relationship and turn it into a great relationship.

Ready to get started with a trained couples therapist? Call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule online 24/7. I look forward to hearing your story!

MARRIAGE COUNSELING EFFECTIVENESS

I often get asked “does marriage counseling work?” The short answer is: yes, it absolutely can. I also hear many spouses who call me say “I want to come, but my spouse doesn’t want to/doesn’t believe in it/doesn’t think it’ll work/doesn’t want to tell our business to everyone.” The Journal of Marital and Family Therapy suggests marriage counseling helps 7 out of 10 couples find great satisfaction in their marriages. But, success and effectiveness in therapy depends on a few factors. Knowing these can make the difference.

Find a good therapist. Your relationship with your therapist is the #1 predictor of success. This means that finding the right therapist is very important. Consider working with someone who specializes in marriage, couples, or relationships. Also, consider their personality. If you get along with them and get a good “vibe” or are treated respectfully, you will get further in your success than if you work with a therapist that rubs you the wrong way.

Timing. The sooner you seek help, the better. Renowned couples therapist and researcher John Gottman’s studies have found that couples wait on average 7 years before seeking help for marital issues. This means the longer you wait, the more difficult it can be to get unstuck and the more resistant you may be to counseling interventions or the therapeutic process.

Education. How well you understand the therapy process can be a predictor of therapy effectiveness. It is up to you as the client to get the most out of your counseling sessions. Your therapist is a guide and a facilitator for change and is responsible for providing you with information and insight, thus acting as a consultant, not the FIXER. You can get the most success if you integrate and apply what you learn in session outside of the therapy room.

Motivation. Your motivation level can determine how effective marriage counseling can be. Are you both committed to the marriage and its repair? Are you invested in bringing your best self to the table and doing the sometimes difficult and uncomfortable work that comes with marriage counseling? Counseling is most effective if you both have bought into the process. 

Know your stance. Be as clear as you can about where you stand in your marriage. Sometimes “marriage counseling” is really “divorce counseling” because both people have already given up, and sometimes it is “discernment counseling” because one person is ready to give up while the other wants to repair the relationship. If this is the case, and you’re having difficulty knowing where you stand, talk with your therapist about it. A trained therapist may be able to offer you discernment counseling to help you decide if you want to improve the marriage or let it go by helping more clear about what you want for your relationship. You don’t have to be 100% certain about what your decision is, but you do have to be 100% committed to the process to help you gain that clarity. 

Goals. Once you know you are committed to the process, have found a good fit for a therapist, and are invested in repairing and rekindling your marriage, take some time to think about what your goals are for your marriage and how to make it tangible. For instance, saying you want better communication is a great goal, but it may not be specific enough to help guide you to what you need to be focusing on. However, if you want to learn to have an disagreement without yelling, name-calling, or without someone leaving the room to end the fight, that gives you something more tangible to work toward, and thus being able to measure your progress.

Ready to get started working with a Carrollton marriage counselor? Call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online 24/7.

HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF MARRIAGE COUNSELING

Feeling nervous or uncertain about marriage counseling? Are you looking for some guarantee that you'll see changes? Worried about putting the fate of your relationship solely in the hands of a stranger? You're not alone! Today, I'd like to share with you some tips on how to get the most out of marriage counseling. These secrets can give you more control in your marriage counseling experience so that you can increase your chances of seeing changes more quickly and getting the results you want.

SELECT A THERAPIST THAT SPECIALIZES IN MARRIAGE THERAPY.

You may not know it, but there are therapists and counselors out there who specialize in certain areas of expertise, and while a generalist may be able to know a little about a lot, you may be able to make better progress if you work with a clinician with a marriage therapy speciality. Be on the lookout for the letters LMFT behind a therapist’s name, which stands for Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Or, ask your counselor or therapist of interest how many couples they see each week in their office or what percentage of married couples they work with to get a sense of if they will be a good fit or not. Think of it this way, if you had a heart problem, you may be better served if you sought out a cardiologist for your cardiac issues rather than continuing to work with your general practitioner.

PICK A THERAPIST YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH.

This is really important. If you don’t “jive” with your therapist, or you get some gut feeling that doesn’t sit well with you, keep searching. It is important that you work with someone who fits your style, understands your personality, and is caring and compassionate regardless of the details you bring to the table. I’ve heard of married couples who have worked with a therapist (who probably didn’t specialize in marriage therapy) who told the couple they just needed to go ahead and divorce. If you get that advice, and it doesn’t sit well with you, please continue searching. There IS a therapist out there (like me!) who won’t tell you that you’re relationship is doomed from the start. Some therapists may be able to incorporate some humor, some religious beliefs, some homework, or whatever you feel comfortable with. Don’t forget that therapists are people, too, and you need to work with someone you like. Otherwise, you may not get what you need.

BE HONEST.

Once you have found a therapist you can feel comfortable with, it increases the likelihood that you’ll be open and honest. Be willing to talk about difficult truths, otherwise, your therapist is only left to fix or help you repair a lie, and that will be a waste of your time and money. If you don’t feel comfortable being honest with your spouse in the room, as the therapist for some individual time to express your concerns.

BE PATIENT.

Your relationship probably didn’t get into a rut overnight. It also won’t get out of the rut overnight. Unfortunately, therapists don’t have a magic wand they can wave to immediately remedy complex marriage concerns. Sometimes it takes a few sessions before you start to see some positive traction, this is because there may be weeks/months/years worth of anger, hurt, or resentment to sort through to begin to make sense of how you got into the rut. Find out how your therapist does his/her best work to accelerate progress. Think of it like this: if you wanted to lose weight, you probably wouldn’t see progress after 1 workout or 1 healthy meal. You’d see progress after the weeks or months of effort.

ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED.

There is no one-size-fits-all kind of therapy. Therapists are constantly customizing the process to fit your situation and your needs. If you need more or less of something, have a discussion about it with your therapist. This ties into finding out how your therapist does his/her best work. If your therapist does their best work if you come weekly, have a conversation with them if you can only come twice monthly. They may be able to give you longer sessions, or a special time slot, or a VIP session to fit your needs. Otherwise, your therapist has no clue how to tweak your sessions or their approach unless you’re willing to communicate what you need.

BE VULNERABLE.

This is a tough one. Being willing to speak from the heart and discuss your deepest longings or deepest fears is difficult. But, it is also one of the most powerful things you can do in therapy. It is a version of being open and honest, but it also gives you the opportunity to be authentic. Often, we put up walls and keep people out to protect ourselves, but being vulnerable in a safe place (in session) can give your spouse the opportunity to really get to know your authentic self. I’ve seen spouses who feel “numb” or “angry” or like they don’t know if they want to be married anymore...keeping their partner at a distance. But, when they get vulnerable and talk about how they may feel sad, or despondent, or lonely, it gives their mate a glimpse of what’s really going on, and can give them permission to draw closer.

TAKE NOTES.

Be willing to attend session with a notepad and a pen if your therapist doesn’t have some for you to use. This is a great way to remember the take-away points. Jot down the “light bulb moments” or things you learned in session, or what stood out to you. This will allow you to look back and reflect. It is also a great way to continue to get your bang for your buck. Rather than meeting with your therapist to repeat previous content (that you may have forgotten), you can refer back to your notes. Taking notes can make it easier to implement what you learn each session. It can also make it easier to come to your next session with questions, insights, or new challenges that you want to focus on.

IMPLEMENT WHAT YOU LEARN EACH WEEK.

One error in thinking that many married couples make is that the therapist is doing all the work, or that all the work occurs in session. The couples that make the most progress are the ones who implement what they learn in session OUTSIDE of their session time. If you learn fair-fighting skills, you will not make the progress you want if you only practice those skills in session. Be willing to implement those skills in between session or to do your homework that's been assigned to you. That is where the real work and the real change occurs.

DISCUSS IT WITH YOUR SPOUSE AFTERWARD.

Reflect on session with your spouse. Talk about what you learned about each other. Also, talk about what you learned, noticed, or observed about yourself. Many married couples find themselves in trouble after they’ve spent months or years avoiding difficult conversations or neglecting the need to check-in with each other to see what’s working well in the relationship or what could make the marriage richer. Beginning to talk outside of session gets your wheels turning and gives you some momentum to move forward. It is also a wonderful way of communicating that your marriage satisfaction is a priority.

COME TO APPOINTMENTS CONSISTENTLY.

Research shows after 10-14 days between sessions, that you can lose therapeutic benefit. This means that if you come to therapy once a week for 8 weeks, you will see better progress than if you spaced those sessions out over the course of 6 months or a year. This means that in the long run, you save time, money, and possibly even your marriage. Follow your therapist’s recommendations. In my experience, the couples who follow recommendations and show up consistently see progress more quickly.

DON’T GET DISTRACTED BY DETAILS

Sessions typically last between 45-60 minutes, unless you request longer sessions. It is easy for session time to fly by. Resist the temptation to spend the session time discussing WHAT your last argument was about. It doesn’t matter if it was money, sex, kids, or who forgot to take out the trash or feed the dog. What will be important is if you spend your time instead focusing on HOW you argue. Do you yell? Shut down? Call names? Leave the house? Your therapist can help you pinpoint your relationship patterns which will be key in seeing changes in your marriage. Your therapist doesn’t necessarily need to know the he-said, she-said details to see your pattern. Focusing on the bigger picture rather than getting lost in the details can save you time, and money, thus helping you see progress more quickly.

SELF PAY.

While paying out of pocket is not always desired or inexpensive, it certainly has its perks when considering marriage counseling. In order for insurance to pay for marriage counseling, one spouse must be diagnosed with a mental disorder. This means that the scope of your therapy focus will be centered around treating that diagnosis, not necessarily your marriage concerns. It also means that you will have a mental disorder diagnosis on your permanent medical record, which can affect your insurance premiums or long-term life insurance. It also means that your therapist may have to communicate with the insurance companies about your treatment and may have to write a report that says you are getting better, but you are still “sick” enough to require treatment for that disorder. This puts some limits on confidentiality. If you choose to self pay, it means you and your therapist get to decide what to work on and when, and that means without diagnosis one spouse with a disorder. As a result, you get to hit the ground running in session and really get to focus on the heart of the matter, and you have increased privacy and confidentiality. you get the FREEDOM to work in a way that is a fit for you and your marriage and not dictated by others.

INVEST IN YOURSELF

Therapy is not easy, nor inexpensive. We therapists get that. It is an investment. That means marriage therapy isn’t for everybody. It is for people who want to invest in their marriage, their commitment, themselves, and their spouse. It is for those who really want to maximize their experience with their spouse, whether it is to improve sex, parenting, communication, or intimacy and trust. To get the most out of this process, be willing to invest in yourself. Learn about how you operate in relationships. This doesn’t necessarily mean you tell your therapist about everything your spouse does wrong. You can often see progress more quickly if you learn early on how you can bring your best self to the table. Rather than focusing time and energy on how to change your spouse, discover how you can be the catalyst for change by bringing your best foot forward.

Now that you know how you can maximize your marriage therapy experience, you may be more inspired to take action. In my experience, the couples who take in this information, follow recommendations, and really do the subtle behind-the-scenes work are the ones who transform their marriages most rapidly. I’ve worked with couples who in 3 months went from considering divorce to feeling blissful in their marriage and experiencing another honeymoon phase. Knowing that you can have some tips to increasing therapy effectiveness can be empowering and reassuring. And that is what I want for you, to feel empowered and reassured that there is hope for your marriage.

If you’re ready to make an investment in your marriage and yourself, and want to work with a licensed marriage therapist in the CARROLTON area who is caring and compassionate, call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online 24/7.

WHEN WE STOP TAKING CARE OF THOSE WE LOVE

Recently, on social media, a mother’s account about the ever-changing role in motherhood caught the attention of mothers across the world. The article was titled

Recently, on social media, a mother’s account about the ever-changing role in motherhood caught the attention of mothers across the world. The article was titled “When Did I Last Wash Your Hair?” It revealed how we often forget to savor the small moments in our relationships with our children, and how this mother didn’t know that the last time she washed her daughter’s hair would be the last time. She went on to state:

“Why didn’t I know it was the last time? If I would have known, I would have done a better job, or made it last longer, or kissed her head or something. I would have DONE SOMETHING!” 

Further into the article, she discussed how she was afforded a second chance after her daughter fractured her wrist, transforming her independent daughter into someone who, once again, needed her mother’s help. She was able to wash her daughter’s hair with a new perspective:

the wisdom to know that every moment is sacred if we can slow down enough to see it. 

This article made me think about the clients I work with. We are often so plagued by the annoyances and nuances of our partners, that we forget to view each moment as sacred. We begin to view them through the lens that makes them the enemy, not the ally. We sometimes distance emotionally and physically. 

I often work with couples who are trying to survive an affair, and typically the first response is anger and hurt. This is normal, valid, and important to process through. But sometimes what happens is we begin to create a dynamic where the adulterer is the problem, the bad guy, the one to blame, and the perpetrator so to speak, making the other partner the victim. The “victim” can certainly feel “victimized”, shocked, betrayed, and blindsided, and it is easy to sit in that pain, sometimes becoming paralyzed by it.

It is important to note that affairs (whether emotional or sexual) are usually an attempt to solve a problem in the relationship, and are essentially a cry for help. Healing can begin and trust can be re-established especially when both parties are willing to take a hard look at how they shaped the relationship, and how the affair made sense in context. Taking a look at some hard truths requires us to take accountability for our behaviors (or lack thereof) and how we may have drifted from bringing our best version of ourselves to our relationship table. Our relationships often serves as a mirror for us and reflect back what we are putting into the relationship.

What does this have to do with the article I mentioned before? Being willing to slow down and see each moment as sacred can change the way we see our romantic relationships. Some of the clients I work with finally reach this point and are brave enough to see past the anger and hurt and examine those hard truths. Sometimes they say things like this:

“I was so hurt that my husband cheated on me and we finally sat down to talk after being apart for some time. When I looked at him, I noticed his skin was rough and his toenails had not been clipped. I realized, I used to take care of those things for him, and now I can’t remember the last time I clipped his toenails or rubbed lotion on his body.”

“Before bed, I used to always make my husband sandwiches for lunch the next day. He never appreciated me. I felt like he didn’t need me, so I stopped making his sandwiches. I don’t remember the last time I made him a sandwich.”

“When I was dating my wife, I made sure to compliment her. She was so beautiful and fun and sexy. After we got married, it was great because she knew I felt that way about her and I didn’t have to remind her all the time. We didn’t have to talk about it. But I can’t tell you the last time I looked at her, you know, really looked at her, and told her all the things I found beautiful or attractive about her.”

When was the last time I washed your hair?

When was the last time I clipped your nails, or put lotion on you, or made you lunch, or told you that you were beautiful, or held your hand and kissed you just because?

Whether those questions regard your child or your spouse, I invite you to dig deeper and be willing to answer them. Be willing to slow down and appreciate those moments. Be willing to continue taking care of those who need us, whether they seem to appreciate it or not. Be willing to not just HAVE love; be willing to DO love, BE love, and MAKE love.

Ready to go deeper? Whether you’re healing from an affair, trying to affair-proof your marriage, or just trying to be more present in your relationship, call today at 678-796-8255 for a consult or schedule online 24/7.

3 REASONS WHY MARITAL ISSUES CAN BE A GOOD THING

We live in a culture where admitting to problems in our relationship is difficult, but seeking help for those problems is even more difficult. 

Often times, we are quick to turn to well-meaning friends and family, only to ensue in a spouse-bashing session or to hear advice that is not quite so helpful rather than working with a skilled professional. Other times, we minimize the problem, pretend it doesn’t exist, and we portray the perfect image of what our relationship “should” look like. 

In fact, most couples today wait an average of 7 years before they seek help with a problem. 7 years! Can you imagine the hard feelings, hurt, anger, resentment, or unmet needs or “bad” behavior that can happen in 7 years? It appears that we do these things because there is such shame tied to what it must mean for us if we do find ourselves struggling in our relationships with others. Today, I’d like to offer you 3 reasons why having problems in your relationship can be a good thing.

You’ve maxed out your current relationship potential.

While this sounds like a bad thing, it is actually a benefit. If you’ve maxed out your current relationship potential, it is a signal that you and your partner are ready for a change & ready to grow. Let’s think of it like this: if you’ve been going to the gym for months and really focusing on your health and nutrition and things are going well for you, you may notice after a while that you begin to plateau. While maintenance can be handy, it sometimes keeps us from continuing to improve. Sometimes we need help breaking a plateau. This means we have to dig deeper, work a bit harder to create some momentum again. The same is true for relationships. If you’re at a plateau (feeling stuck, or in a rut), it means progress and change are just around the corner if you’re willing to explore it.

2. Your relationship now becomes the priority. 

Breakdowns in communication, parenting, or sex can be a good sign if we treat them as a cry for help. If we leave those issues unattended, we are neglecting our needs as well as the needs of our partner. Making the step to work with a trained therapist can shift our focus from the chaos and business of daily life to our relationship, ultimately helping us get more acquainted with each other and making the relationship the priority. I often see couples who come into session on their days off, and turn it into a mini-retreat, spending the day having lunch, shopping, and talking together. Other couples I see elect to find a sitter for the evening and treat themselves to a date, often having dinner either before or after session. Having someone hold you accountable to focus on your relationship satisfaction can be an intervention in and of itself.

3. You now have the opportunity to get closer. 

Working on your relationship is an investment in yourself, your mate, your relationship, and your future. Increasing the awareness about the breakdowns in your relationship and making your relationship the priority can help you grow even closer to your partner. A couples therapist can help you evaluate what your emotional needs are as well as what behavior changes are a reflection of getting those needs met, and as a result, you can feel more connected, close, and engaged than ever. This will create a stronger foundation in your relationship, making you more resilient to future issues that may arise, and of course leaving you feeling more fulfilled and satisfied. 

Feeling overwhelmed, underloved, or underappreciated? Noticing breakdowns in your communication, trust, parenting, or sex life? If you’re inspired to invest in yourself and relationship, we’d love to help. Don’t wait 7 years. Let’s tackle small issues while they’re still small and get excited about growth and change. 

Call us at 678-796-8255 to speak with a licensed couples therapist about the warning signs you’re noticing. Ready to dive in? Schedule an appointment online 24/7.

The Kiss of Death In Relationship

Christmas is quickly approaching. Sometimes the season is a little more exhilarating for some more than others. But nonetheless, we live in a culture where we are expected be cheery, delightful, spirited, and excited about the holiday craze. Before we know it, we find ourselves deciding what people we will be buying gifts for, what we will buy them, and how much we will spend on them. Sometimes, even those of us with the best of intentions can find ourselves thinking things like this:

“I’m not spending much on so-and-so this year...they always buy me a crappy gift.” 

“They never spend as much on me as I do on them.”

“I’m not buying them anything this year because they never bother getting me anything. Why should I care?”

Many of the couples I work with adopt this same mindset, but it persists throughout the year rather than just popping up at Christmas time. I often hear couples saying things like this:

“He never apologizes first, so I’m not going to either.”

“She never tells me what she wants in the bedroom, so I don’t tell her either.”

“He hurt me, and I want him to hurt back.”

“I’m going to treat him like he treats me and see how he likes that.”

“I gave the kids a bath and got them to bed last time. If you don’t do it tonight, I’m not going to help you when you need it.”

“I will have sex with you if you give me something in return.”

The problem with this mindset is that it is tit-for-tat, becoming cumbersome, burdensome, and full of rigidity, ultimately harboring anger, resentment, or breeding contempt in the relationship. The thing we often forget about love is that we have to give it the space to be genuine, authentic, and vulnerable. This means, we have to be willing to give without a guarantee we will get something in return. If we do things only hoping we will get something back, this becomes less of an intimate relationship and more of a scoresheet...a game where there is clearly a winner and a loser. Love cannot be spiteful or vindictive. 

So, this holiday season, may we remember to give without the expectation of receiving. May we act with integrity and give the gift we truly want to give instead of the gift we should give. May we treat others the way we WANT to be treated, rather than reflecting to them the way they already treat us. 

If this sounds like you, or you feel your relationship is looking more like a scoresheet, consider working with a therapist. A trained therapist will be happy to help you get out of the rut and figure out how to give and receive more love without anger or fighting. It is possible to feel more loved and appreciated in your relationship. 

Call today at 678-796-8255 and let’s see if we can work together or schedule an appointment online.

Welcome to Therapy & Co. Counseling

We here at Therapy & Co. are a counseling center nestled in the beautiful historic district of downtown Carrollton, Georgia that is dedicated to helping people have happier, more fulfilling relationships and lives.

Counseling for couples who want to stop having the same argument over and over again and have the relationship and love they want. Counseling is available for all relationships, including premarital counseling, marriage enrichment, marriage counseling, discernment counseling, and family counseling.

At Therapy & Co., we value integrity and make it our mission to love clients to and through our practice. We wanted to develop a different kind of counseling center: one that makes the client the cornerstone of everything we do. At the end of the day, we want our clients to have peace of mind and heart. Our job is to make your life a bit easier. Our therapists like to keep smaller caseloads so that they can be more available and accessible to you and can devote extra time to you when needed. We like to ensure our office is as private and comfortable as possible, as there is discreet parking in the back of the building, as well as a front and rear entrance. We often schedule clients so that they don't bump into each other in the waiting area. We recognize this is a small town and people value their privacy and confidentiality.

If you're looking for compassionate and expert counseling, please call us at 678-796-8255.