When You Want to Stop Couples Counseling
As couples therapists here at our center, we devote our professional careers to helping couples restore, re-ignite, and rejuvenate their relationships to their former glory and beyond. We are committed to helping couples who feel like they are in a relationship “crisis” or a really rocky place get to a place that feels “good.” And other times, we help couples who are feeling “good” get to a place that feels “great.” Often times that is attainable, and other times, we therapists have our own challenges when a couple decides to end the relationship. We can often see lots of deep, meaningful, and “great” work to still be done, and yet we sometimes will hear the thing we don’t want to hear: “We have decided to end things, so we won’t be coming back to therapy.” This decision might make sense to you, but marriage counselors aren’t just here for those who are married. We can do great work even when you decide to split. Here are some things that we therapists wish you knew before you decide to cold-turkey the therapeutic relationship.
As couples therapists here at our center, we devote our professional careers to helping couples restore, re-ignite, and rejuvenate their relationships to their former glory and beyond. We are committed to helping couples who feel like they are in a relationship “crisis” or a really rocky place get to a place that feels “good.” And other times, we help couples who are feeling “good” get to a place that feels “great.” Often times that is attainable, and other times, we therapists have our own challenges when a couple decides to end the relationship. We can often see lots of deep, meaningful, and “great” work to still be done, and yet we sometimes will hear the thing we don’t want to hear:
“We have decided to end things, so we won’t be coming back to therapy.”
This decision might make sense to you, but marriage counselors aren’t just here for those who are married. We can do great work even when you decide to split. Here are some things that we therapists wish you knew before you decide to cold-turkey the therapeutic relationship.
Support.
While your answer seems clear now, it is possible you are going to encounter some pain moving forward. Ending a relationship is rarely enjoyable or easy. There may come a time in the foreseeable future that having the support of someone who knows about you and your situation and how you operate in relationships will be beneficial. Well-meaning friends and family may not be able to give you unbiased feedback.
You can't divorce yourself.
It is a false belief that if you end the relationship, you will be free of drama, chaos, or problems. You can divorce your partner, but you can’t divorce yourself. It is important that you have insight about how you relate to yourself, other people, the world around you, and how you relate to problems, challenges, of difficulties you face so that you don’t repeat old relationship patterns and take baggage from unsuccessful relationships into the next one.
Conquer the Fear of Failure.
Ending a relationship is not a failure. A divorce or breakup is not a failure. It is only a failure if you don’t learn something from it. This may mean that you have to take a look at some difficult truths (he/she may not ever change, you may have allowed or tolerated behavior you weren’t ok with, you may have compromised your integrity in the relationship and lost your sense of self, your partner was abusive, etc). At the end of the day, you can walk away smarter, wiser, and more confident about the direction you're heading in.
DeCoupling.
You may need some help navigating how to un-couple from your partner. Do you move out? Try a separation? File for divorce? What is your identity now without this other person? Rediscovering your new sense of self outside the relationship and what brings you joy and happiness will be essential.
You have individual needs.
This can be a great opportunity to shift from couples work to individual work. Just because the relationship didn’t work, doesn’t mean you can’t be a greater version of yourself. You can restore confidence, self esteem, work through limiting beliefs you have about the ended relationship, or sort through shame you may have. You can learn to trust yourself and your own mind, learn how to trust others, and the world around you.
Build Trust.
After a relationship ends, you may feel jaded, cold, resentful, or you may put a wall up in future relationships. Working with a therapist individually after the relationship ends can help you learn the ingredients of trust, what to look for, and how to ultimately be true to yourself.
Set the Stage for Success.
When you have a greater sense of self, a new identity, clarity on the relationship’s demise and your role in that relationship, then you are prepared to have closure and re-open the gates to loving again. With a newfound sense of trust, an ability to be authentic, vulnerable, and having rediscovered joy, you are really investing in yourself and the possibility that the next relationship will thrive and you can finally get the love you want.
Are you ready to have peace of mind and heart when it comes to your love life? Whether you’re in a relationship or not, we would love to help. Call us today at 678-796-8522 or schedule an appointment online.
When Relationships End: Who Can Help?
Often times, couples are broken into a few different categories:
- those who are together and happy
- those who are together and unhappy but are trying to repair the relationship
- those who are together, unhappy, and are not sure what they want to do (and are "stuck")
- and then those who have made the decision to end the relationship.
As couples therapists, we usually work with clients in the first 3 categories. But, who works with those who are ending a relationship, are going through a breakup or divorce, or are trying to get back on track after a relationship has ended? A marriage therapist can still be a great type of counselor to consider.
Often times, couples are broken into a few different categories:
- those who are together and happy
- those who are together and unhappy but are trying to repair the relationship
- those who are together, unhappy, and are not sure what they want to do (and are "stuck")
- and then those who have made the decision to end the relationship.
As couples therapists, we usually work with clients in the first 3 categories. But, who works with those who are ending a relationship, are going through a breakup or divorce, or are trying to get back on track after a relationship has ended? A marriage therapist can still be a great type of counselor to consider. Here’s how they can help:
Ending a relationship can often times be gut-wrenching. Couples often have to navigate how to separate themselves from the person they are so used to being in contact with. Couples also have to figure out lots of other complicated things: finances, children, pets, personal belongings, property, not to mention how to break the news to loved ones and so on. Working with a couples therapist in these circumstances can help you learn how to decouple and help you understand what to expect in that process. Many times, there is a grieving process, and one or both partners are devastated and in pain that the relationship has ended. A marriage therapist can help navigate you through discovering your new identity outside of your past relationship, grow your self esteem, and really focus on YOU and your growth and healing. If you’ve always viewed yourself as “his wife” or “the kids’ mom”, you may need a little nudge exploring yourself and who you are and really getting to know and like that person, or even exploring how to get back on your own feet and create a newfound independence. You can also reflect on the relationship and learn much needed lessons from it that will keep you focused on the future and potential solutions rather than stuck in the pain of the past.
At other times, relationships are so toxic, that ending it may come as a relief. Keep in mind that we often don’t take into account what to expect after we’ve made the decision to end the relationship. It is often the case that if we don’t examine the relationship, we will unknowingly repeat old relationship patterns that could contribute to the demise of future relationships or choose partners that are unhealthy for us.
Perhaps you have children together. Working with a marriage and family therapist can help you explore how to tell your children, how to support them, what reactions from them you can expect, how to identify your goals as parents and how to co-parent as peacefully and successfully as possible.
Eventually after the relationship has ended, and you may want to move forward into another relationship. Working with a marriage or couples therapist can help you navigate the dating world, how to know your boundaries in relationships, how to know what you want (and how to ask for it), how to measure if someone is trustworthy or not, and help you look at possible mates objectively so that you can take note of any red flags that may later be a deal-breaker for you.
We understand that ending a relationship is not always an easy decision. You may toggle back and forth and question if you’re doing the right thing or not. And ultimately, it is your decision. So, whether you’re wanting to be a better version of yourself, have some help dealing with the pain, understand what’s next, be the best parent possible, or avoid repeating old habits, working with a marriage therapist can be a really great step toward healing and moving forward.