HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF MARRIAGE COUNSELING

Feeling nervous or uncertain about marriage counseling? Are you looking for some guarantee that you'll see changes? Worried about putting the fate of your relationship solely in the hands of a stranger? You're not alone! Today, I'd like to share with you some tips on how to get the most out of marriage counseling. These secrets can give you more control in your marriage counseling experience so that you can increase your chances of seeing changes more quickly and getting the results you want.

SELECT A THERAPIST THAT SPECIALIZES IN MARRIAGE THERAPY.

You may not know it, but there are therapists and counselors out there who specialize in certain areas of expertise, and while a generalist may be able to know a little about a lot, you may be able to make better progress if you work with a clinician with a marriage therapy speciality. Be on the lookout for the letters LMFT behind a therapist’s name, which stands for Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Or, ask your counselor or therapist of interest how many couples they see each week in their office or what percentage of married couples they work with to get a sense of if they will be a good fit or not. Think of it this way, if you had a heart problem, you may be better served if you sought out a cardiologist for your cardiac issues rather than continuing to work with your general practitioner.

PICK A THERAPIST YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH.

This is really important. If you don’t “jive” with your therapist, or you get some gut feeling that doesn’t sit well with you, keep searching. It is important that you work with someone who fits your style, understands your personality, and is caring and compassionate regardless of the details you bring to the table. I’ve heard of married couples who have worked with a therapist (who probably didn’t specialize in marriage therapy) who told the couple they just needed to go ahead and divorce. If you get that advice, and it doesn’t sit well with you, please continue searching. There IS a therapist out there (like me!) who won’t tell you that you’re relationship is doomed from the start. Some therapists may be able to incorporate some humor, some religious beliefs, some homework, or whatever you feel comfortable with. Don’t forget that therapists are people, too, and you need to work with someone you like. Otherwise, you may not get what you need.

BE HONEST.

Once you have found a therapist you can feel comfortable with, it increases the likelihood that you’ll be open and honest. Be willing to talk about difficult truths, otherwise, your therapist is only left to fix or help you repair a lie, and that will be a waste of your time and money. If you don’t feel comfortable being honest with your spouse in the room, as the therapist for some individual time to express your concerns.

BE PATIENT.

Your relationship probably didn’t get into a rut overnight. It also won’t get out of the rut overnight. Unfortunately, therapists don’t have a magic wand they can wave to immediately remedy complex marriage concerns. Sometimes it takes a few sessions before you start to see some positive traction, this is because there may be weeks/months/years worth of anger, hurt, or resentment to sort through to begin to make sense of how you got into the rut. Find out how your therapist does his/her best work to accelerate progress. Think of it like this: if you wanted to lose weight, you probably wouldn’t see progress after 1 workout or 1 healthy meal. You’d see progress after the weeks or months of effort.

ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED.

There is no one-size-fits-all kind of therapy. Therapists are constantly customizing the process to fit your situation and your needs. If you need more or less of something, have a discussion about it with your therapist. This ties into finding out how your therapist does his/her best work. If your therapist does their best work if you come weekly, have a conversation with them if you can only come twice monthly. They may be able to give you longer sessions, or a special time slot, or a VIP session to fit your needs. Otherwise, your therapist has no clue how to tweak your sessions or their approach unless you’re willing to communicate what you need.

BE VULNERABLE.

This is a tough one. Being willing to speak from the heart and discuss your deepest longings or deepest fears is difficult. But, it is also one of the most powerful things you can do in therapy. It is a version of being open and honest, but it also gives you the opportunity to be authentic. Often, we put up walls and keep people out to protect ourselves, but being vulnerable in a safe place (in session) can give your spouse the opportunity to really get to know your authentic self. I’ve seen spouses who feel “numb” or “angry” or like they don’t know if they want to be married anymore...keeping their partner at a distance. But, when they get vulnerable and talk about how they may feel sad, or despondent, or lonely, it gives their mate a glimpse of what’s really going on, and can give them permission to draw closer.

TAKE NOTES.

Be willing to attend session with a notepad and a pen if your therapist doesn’t have some for you to use. This is a great way to remember the take-away points. Jot down the “light bulb moments” or things you learned in session, or what stood out to you. This will allow you to look back and reflect. It is also a great way to continue to get your bang for your buck. Rather than meeting with your therapist to repeat previous content (that you may have forgotten), you can refer back to your notes. Taking notes can make it easier to implement what you learn each session. It can also make it easier to come to your next session with questions, insights, or new challenges that you want to focus on.

IMPLEMENT WHAT YOU LEARN EACH WEEK.

One error in thinking that many married couples make is that the therapist is doing all the work, or that all the work occurs in session. The couples that make the most progress are the ones who implement what they learn in session OUTSIDE of their session time. If you learn fair-fighting skills, you will not make the progress you want if you only practice those skills in session. Be willing to implement those skills in between session or to do your homework that's been assigned to you. That is where the real work and the real change occurs.

DISCUSS IT WITH YOUR SPOUSE AFTERWARD.

Reflect on session with your spouse. Talk about what you learned about each other. Also, talk about what you learned, noticed, or observed about yourself. Many married couples find themselves in trouble after they’ve spent months or years avoiding difficult conversations or neglecting the need to check-in with each other to see what’s working well in the relationship or what could make the marriage richer. Beginning to talk outside of session gets your wheels turning and gives you some momentum to move forward. It is also a wonderful way of communicating that your marriage satisfaction is a priority.

COME TO APPOINTMENTS CONSISTENTLY.

Research shows after 10-14 days between sessions, that you can lose therapeutic benefit. This means that if you come to therapy once a week for 8 weeks, you will see better progress than if you spaced those sessions out over the course of 6 months or a year. This means that in the long run, you save time, money, and possibly even your marriage. Follow your therapist’s recommendations. In my experience, the couples who follow recommendations and show up consistently see progress more quickly.

DON’T GET DISTRACTED BY DETAILS

Sessions typically last between 45-60 minutes, unless you request longer sessions. It is easy for session time to fly by. Resist the temptation to spend the session time discussing WHAT your last argument was about. It doesn’t matter if it was money, sex, kids, or who forgot to take out the trash or feed the dog. What will be important is if you spend your time instead focusing on HOW you argue. Do you yell? Shut down? Call names? Leave the house? Your therapist can help you pinpoint your relationship patterns which will be key in seeing changes in your marriage. Your therapist doesn’t necessarily need to know the he-said, she-said details to see your pattern. Focusing on the bigger picture rather than getting lost in the details can save you time, and money, thus helping you see progress more quickly.

SELF PAY.

While paying out of pocket is not always desired or inexpensive, it certainly has its perks when considering marriage counseling. In order for insurance to pay for marriage counseling, one spouse must be diagnosed with a mental disorder. This means that the scope of your therapy focus will be centered around treating that diagnosis, not necessarily your marriage concerns. It also means that you will have a mental disorder diagnosis on your permanent medical record, which can affect your insurance premiums or long-term life insurance. It also means that your therapist may have to communicate with the insurance companies about your treatment and may have to write a report that says you are getting better, but you are still “sick” enough to require treatment for that disorder. This puts some limits on confidentiality. If you choose to self pay, it means you and your therapist get to decide what to work on and when, and that means without diagnosis one spouse with a disorder. As a result, you get to hit the ground running in session and really get to focus on the heart of the matter, and you have increased privacy and confidentiality. you get the FREEDOM to work in a way that is a fit for you and your marriage and not dictated by others.

INVEST IN YOURSELF

Therapy is not easy, nor inexpensive. We therapists get that. It is an investment. That means marriage therapy isn’t for everybody. It is for people who want to invest in their marriage, their commitment, themselves, and their spouse. It is for those who really want to maximize their experience with their spouse, whether it is to improve sex, parenting, communication, or intimacy and trust. To get the most out of this process, be willing to invest in yourself. Learn about how you operate in relationships. This doesn’t necessarily mean you tell your therapist about everything your spouse does wrong. You can often see progress more quickly if you learn early on how you can bring your best self to the table. Rather than focusing time and energy on how to change your spouse, discover how you can be the catalyst for change by bringing your best foot forward.

Now that you know how you can maximize your marriage therapy experience, you may be more inspired to take action. In my experience, the couples who take in this information, follow recommendations, and really do the subtle behind-the-scenes work are the ones who transform their marriages most rapidly. I’ve worked with couples who in 3 months went from considering divorce to feeling blissful in their marriage and experiencing another honeymoon phase. Knowing that you can have some tips to increasing therapy effectiveness can be empowering and reassuring. And that is what I want for you, to feel empowered and reassured that there is hope for your marriage.

If you’re ready to make an investment in your marriage and yourself, and want to work with a licensed marriage therapist in the CARROLTON area who is caring and compassionate, call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online 24/7.

WHEN WE STOP TAKING CARE OF THOSE WE LOVE

Recently, on social media, a mother’s account about the ever-changing role in motherhood caught the attention of mothers across the world. The article was titled

Recently, on social media, a mother’s account about the ever-changing role in motherhood caught the attention of mothers across the world. The article was titled “When Did I Last Wash Your Hair?” It revealed how we often forget to savor the small moments in our relationships with our children, and how this mother didn’t know that the last time she washed her daughter’s hair would be the last time. She went on to state:

“Why didn’t I know it was the last time? If I would have known, I would have done a better job, or made it last longer, or kissed her head or something. I would have DONE SOMETHING!” 

Further into the article, she discussed how she was afforded a second chance after her daughter fractured her wrist, transforming her independent daughter into someone who, once again, needed her mother’s help. She was able to wash her daughter’s hair with a new perspective:

the wisdom to know that every moment is sacred if we can slow down enough to see it. 

This article made me think about the clients I work with. We are often so plagued by the annoyances and nuances of our partners, that we forget to view each moment as sacred. We begin to view them through the lens that makes them the enemy, not the ally. We sometimes distance emotionally and physically. 

I often work with couples who are trying to survive an affair, and typically the first response is anger and hurt. This is normal, valid, and important to process through. But sometimes what happens is we begin to create a dynamic where the adulterer is the problem, the bad guy, the one to blame, and the perpetrator so to speak, making the other partner the victim. The “victim” can certainly feel “victimized”, shocked, betrayed, and blindsided, and it is easy to sit in that pain, sometimes becoming paralyzed by it.

It is important to note that affairs (whether emotional or sexual) are usually an attempt to solve a problem in the relationship, and are essentially a cry for help. Healing can begin and trust can be re-established especially when both parties are willing to take a hard look at how they shaped the relationship, and how the affair made sense in context. Taking a look at some hard truths requires us to take accountability for our behaviors (or lack thereof) and how we may have drifted from bringing our best version of ourselves to our relationship table. Our relationships often serves as a mirror for us and reflect back what we are putting into the relationship.

What does this have to do with the article I mentioned before? Being willing to slow down and see each moment as sacred can change the way we see our romantic relationships. Some of the clients I work with finally reach this point and are brave enough to see past the anger and hurt and examine those hard truths. Sometimes they say things like this:

“I was so hurt that my husband cheated on me and we finally sat down to talk after being apart for some time. When I looked at him, I noticed his skin was rough and his toenails had not been clipped. I realized, I used to take care of those things for him, and now I can’t remember the last time I clipped his toenails or rubbed lotion on his body.”

“Before bed, I used to always make my husband sandwiches for lunch the next day. He never appreciated me. I felt like he didn’t need me, so I stopped making his sandwiches. I don’t remember the last time I made him a sandwich.”

“When I was dating my wife, I made sure to compliment her. She was so beautiful and fun and sexy. After we got married, it was great because she knew I felt that way about her and I didn’t have to remind her all the time. We didn’t have to talk about it. But I can’t tell you the last time I looked at her, you know, really looked at her, and told her all the things I found beautiful or attractive about her.”

When was the last time I washed your hair?

When was the last time I clipped your nails, or put lotion on you, or made you lunch, or told you that you were beautiful, or held your hand and kissed you just because?

Whether those questions regard your child or your spouse, I invite you to dig deeper and be willing to answer them. Be willing to slow down and appreciate those moments. Be willing to continue taking care of those who need us, whether they seem to appreciate it or not. Be willing to not just HAVE love; be willing to DO love, BE love, and MAKE love.

Ready to go deeper? Whether you’re healing from an affair, trying to affair-proof your marriage, or just trying to be more present in your relationship, call today at 678-796-8255 for a consult or schedule online 24/7.

3 REASONS WHY MARITAL ISSUES CAN BE A GOOD THING

We live in a culture where admitting to problems in our relationship is difficult, but seeking help for those problems is even more difficult. 

Often times, we are quick to turn to well-meaning friends and family, only to ensue in a spouse-bashing session or to hear advice that is not quite so helpful rather than working with a skilled professional. Other times, we minimize the problem, pretend it doesn’t exist, and we portray the perfect image of what our relationship “should” look like. 

In fact, most couples today wait an average of 7 years before they seek help with a problem. 7 years! Can you imagine the hard feelings, hurt, anger, resentment, or unmet needs or “bad” behavior that can happen in 7 years? It appears that we do these things because there is such shame tied to what it must mean for us if we do find ourselves struggling in our relationships with others. Today, I’d like to offer you 3 reasons why having problems in your relationship can be a good thing.

You’ve maxed out your current relationship potential.

While this sounds like a bad thing, it is actually a benefit. If you’ve maxed out your current relationship potential, it is a signal that you and your partner are ready for a change & ready to grow. Let’s think of it like this: if you’ve been going to the gym for months and really focusing on your health and nutrition and things are going well for you, you may notice after a while that you begin to plateau. While maintenance can be handy, it sometimes keeps us from continuing to improve. Sometimes we need help breaking a plateau. This means we have to dig deeper, work a bit harder to create some momentum again. The same is true for relationships. If you’re at a plateau (feeling stuck, or in a rut), it means progress and change are just around the corner if you’re willing to explore it.

2. Your relationship now becomes the priority. 

Breakdowns in communication, parenting, or sex can be a good sign if we treat them as a cry for help. If we leave those issues unattended, we are neglecting our needs as well as the needs of our partner. Making the step to work with a trained therapist can shift our focus from the chaos and business of daily life to our relationship, ultimately helping us get more acquainted with each other and making the relationship the priority. I often see couples who come into session on their days off, and turn it into a mini-retreat, spending the day having lunch, shopping, and talking together. Other couples I see elect to find a sitter for the evening and treat themselves to a date, often having dinner either before or after session. Having someone hold you accountable to focus on your relationship satisfaction can be an intervention in and of itself.

3. You now have the opportunity to get closer. 

Working on your relationship is an investment in yourself, your mate, your relationship, and your future. Increasing the awareness about the breakdowns in your relationship and making your relationship the priority can help you grow even closer to your partner. A couples therapist can help you evaluate what your emotional needs are as well as what behavior changes are a reflection of getting those needs met, and as a result, you can feel more connected, close, and engaged than ever. This will create a stronger foundation in your relationship, making you more resilient to future issues that may arise, and of course leaving you feeling more fulfilled and satisfied. 

Feeling overwhelmed, underloved, or underappreciated? Noticing breakdowns in your communication, trust, parenting, or sex life? If you’re inspired to invest in yourself and relationship, we’d love to help. Don’t wait 7 years. Let’s tackle small issues while they’re still small and get excited about growth and change. 

Call us at 678-796-8255 to speak with a licensed couples therapist about the warning signs you’re noticing. Ready to dive in? Schedule an appointment online 24/7.

The Kiss of Death In Relationship

Christmas is quickly approaching. Sometimes the season is a little more exhilarating for some more than others. But nonetheless, we live in a culture where we are expected be cheery, delightful, spirited, and excited about the holiday craze. Before we know it, we find ourselves deciding what people we will be buying gifts for, what we will buy them, and how much we will spend on them. Sometimes, even those of us with the best of intentions can find ourselves thinking things like this:

“I’m not spending much on so-and-so this year...they always buy me a crappy gift.” 

“They never spend as much on me as I do on them.”

“I’m not buying them anything this year because they never bother getting me anything. Why should I care?”

Many of the couples I work with adopt this same mindset, but it persists throughout the year rather than just popping up at Christmas time. I often hear couples saying things like this:

“He never apologizes first, so I’m not going to either.”

“She never tells me what she wants in the bedroom, so I don’t tell her either.”

“He hurt me, and I want him to hurt back.”

“I’m going to treat him like he treats me and see how he likes that.”

“I gave the kids a bath and got them to bed last time. If you don’t do it tonight, I’m not going to help you when you need it.”

“I will have sex with you if you give me something in return.”

The problem with this mindset is that it is tit-for-tat, becoming cumbersome, burdensome, and full of rigidity, ultimately harboring anger, resentment, or breeding contempt in the relationship. The thing we often forget about love is that we have to give it the space to be genuine, authentic, and vulnerable. This means, we have to be willing to give without a guarantee we will get something in return. If we do things only hoping we will get something back, this becomes less of an intimate relationship and more of a scoresheet...a game where there is clearly a winner and a loser. Love cannot be spiteful or vindictive. 

So, this holiday season, may we remember to give without the expectation of receiving. May we act with integrity and give the gift we truly want to give instead of the gift we should give. May we treat others the way we WANT to be treated, rather than reflecting to them the way they already treat us. 

If this sounds like you, or you feel your relationship is looking more like a scoresheet, consider working with a therapist. A trained therapist will be happy to help you get out of the rut and figure out how to give and receive more love without anger or fighting. It is possible to feel more loved and appreciated in your relationship. 

Call today at 678-796-8255 and let’s see if we can work together or schedule an appointment online.

Welcome to Therapy & Co. Counseling

We here at Therapy & Co. are a counseling center nestled in the beautiful historic district of downtown Carrollton, Georgia that is dedicated to helping people have happier, more fulfilling relationships and lives.

Counseling for couples who want to stop having the same argument over and over again and have the relationship and love they want. Counseling is available for all relationships, including premarital counseling, marriage enrichment, marriage counseling, discernment counseling, and family counseling.

At Therapy & Co., we value integrity and make it our mission to love clients to and through our practice. We wanted to develop a different kind of counseling center: one that makes the client the cornerstone of everything we do. At the end of the day, we want our clients to have peace of mind and heart. Our job is to make your life a bit easier. Our therapists like to keep smaller caseloads so that they can be more available and accessible to you and can devote extra time to you when needed. We like to ensure our office is as private and comfortable as possible, as there is discreet parking in the back of the building, as well as a front and rear entrance. We often schedule clients so that they don't bump into each other in the waiting area. We recognize this is a small town and people value their privacy and confidentiality.

If you're looking for compassionate and expert counseling, please call us at 678-796-8255.