HOW DOES COUPLES THERAPY WORK?

Perhaps you’re considering working with a couples therapist to improve your relationship, but may be wondering how it works. Here’s a bit about what you can expect to learn when you work with a therapist that specializes in working with couples and relationships.

Your therapist will assess you as a couple, asking questions about your relationship to gather some context and will likely ask some questions about your family to get a bigger picture of everything that is going on that may contribute to the issues popping up in your relationship. Your therapist will be on the lookout for patterns that keep you stuck, deeper issues that suggest what you’re really fighting about, and what it is you’re really trying to communicate to each other. Couples therapy can help you create:

Clarity. Sometimes couples come to therapy trying to decide if they want to work on the relationship or if they want to end it. Working with a therapist can help give you clarity and help you decide if you want to rebuild a marriage, make a renewed commitment, or clarify reasons to end the relationship.

Perspective. Your therapist will teach you that you can’t argue perspective, which is where many couples get tripped up. You will learn to take into account each other’s opinions and perspectives and rather than arguing about which one is right, learning that both are valid. This can provide a neutral territory to help couples work through tough issues or touchy subjects or even put aside emotional baggage that could be holding you back in your relationship.

Education. It is helpful if you know a little bit about how therapy works. Your therapist can teach you a bit about romantic love and how you got off track, offering you some analysis based on your assessment. This information will set the foundation for you, so that you know where you got off track, and what you’ll be working toward. Your therapist will likely explain the process to you, helping you to understand that change won’t happen overnight. Sometimes after leaving therapy, you will either feel good or you will have a fight. Neither means that therapy is or is not working. It just means you’re poking the bear a bit. You will probably feel some relief and get some good traction after a few sessions, but will likely fall into old patterns because they’re just not in your muscle memory yet. Continuing sessions gets you out of that rut and back on track quickly so that you can continue to learn and grow. Each time you hit a rut, it isn’t as deep and you learn to get out quickly without the help of your therapist. Usually, you’re seeing really good progress around session 8-10. It’s kind of like this: imagine you want to lose weight and you’re motivated and committed. You eat healthy and go to the gym for a week, but it probably doesn’t mean you hit your weight loss goal. You may be faced with feeling good or feeling defeated based on your progress or lack thereof. Wouldn’t it be nice if you had someone keeping you on track and motivating you to stick with it? Now imagine you’re a month into your weight loss journey and you’ve seen some progress. It becomes really easy to treat yourself by indulging in cheat meals or slacking at the gym, which will get you back where you started. Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone alongside you see this pattern and encourage you to get back on track? Imagine you’re 6 months into your weight loss journey and now healthy eating and exercise is so ingrained in your daily lifestyle that you can’t imagine doing it differently. After all, you’ve met your goal, you look great, feel great, and perhaps you’re inspired to be a better parent, partner, employee, or friend. Now, it is in your muscle memory.

Communication. One of the biggest complaints I hear from couples is that they don’t know how to communicate. In reality, we are doing a lot of communicating (yelling, blaming, nagging, giving the cold shoulder or silent treatment), and none of it is actually a way to get closer. Your therapist can help you identify what is at the heart of the matter and hone in on what you’re really trying to communicate so that your positive intentions are not masked by hurtful behavior. You will learn how to listen, how to ask for what you need, how to respond in a way that leaves you feeling close and connected, and how to be heard and validated.

Honesty & Vulnerability. You will learn how to be more open than ever. Even if you’re not an “emotional” person or don’t like “deep conversations,” you can learn to communicate longings, fears, and frustrations, which requires some level of vulnerability. You will also learn the importance of vulnerability in a relationship, and what will happen if vulnerability cannot exist.

Conflict Resolution. Many couples learn to communicate well and begin to express when they’re upset or hurt, but many struggle to find a resolve. Working with a couples therapist can help you create solutions that work for both partners, and ask for what you need specifically. This coupled with your other tools gives you a foundation to help you solve future issues.

Trust. Did you know there are multiple ingredients to trust? Your therapist can help you identify the key ingredients to having a trusting relationship. If there has been an affair or a deep betrayal or loss of trust, your therapist can work with you to learn how to get it back by teaching you what to look for and how to have constructive conversations about it.

Intimacy. Couples therapy can help you to address emotional, physical, and sexual blocks that erode your intimacy or your ability to really draw close, engage with one another, and really know one another on an intimate level. This is sometimes the final change couples notice in the relationship, and the one that truly sustains them. Ending couples therapy early can rob you of finally achieving this really important ingredient to lasting love. Once you’ve achieved this, you will be able to say “my partner is really there for me when I really need them and meets my needs,” finally giving you peace of mind...and heart.

Looking for peace of mind and heart in your own relationship? Ready to give couple’s therapy a try? Let’s get started! Call me today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online 24/7!

MARRIAGE COUNSELING EFFECTIVENESS

I often get asked “does marriage counseling work?” The short answer is: yes, it absolutely can. I also hear many spouses who call me say “I want to come, but my spouse doesn’t want to/doesn’t believe in it/doesn’t think it’ll work/doesn’t want to tell our business to everyone.” The Journal of Marital and Family Therapy suggests marriage counseling helps 7 out of 10 couples find great satisfaction in their marriages. But, success and effectiveness in therapy depends on a few factors. Knowing these can make the difference.

Find a good therapist. Your relationship with your therapist is the #1 predictor of success. This means that finding the right therapist is very important. Consider working with someone who specializes in marriage, couples, or relationships. Also, consider their personality. If you get along with them and get a good “vibe” or are treated respectfully, you will get further in your success than if you work with a therapist that rubs you the wrong way.

Timing. The sooner you seek help, the better. Renowned couples therapist and researcher John Gottman’s studies have found that couples wait on average 7 years before seeking help for marital issues. This means the longer you wait, the more difficult it can be to get unstuck and the more resistant you may be to counseling interventions or the therapeutic process.

Education. How well you understand the therapy process can be a predictor of therapy effectiveness. It is up to you as the client to get the most out of your counseling sessions. Your therapist is a guide and a facilitator for change and is responsible for providing you with information and insight, thus acting as a consultant, not the FIXER. You can get the most success if you integrate and apply what you learn in session outside of the therapy room.

Motivation. Your motivation level can determine how effective marriage counseling can be. Are you both committed to the marriage and its repair? Are you invested in bringing your best self to the table and doing the sometimes difficult and uncomfortable work that comes with marriage counseling? Counseling is most effective if you both have bought into the process. 

Know your stance. Be as clear as you can about where you stand in your marriage. Sometimes “marriage counseling” is really “divorce counseling” because both people have already given up, and sometimes it is “discernment counseling” because one person is ready to give up while the other wants to repair the relationship. If this is the case, and you’re having difficulty knowing where you stand, talk with your therapist about it. A trained therapist may be able to offer you discernment counseling to help you decide if you want to improve the marriage or let it go by helping more clear about what you want for your relationship. You don’t have to be 100% certain about what your decision is, but you do have to be 100% committed to the process to help you gain that clarity. 

Goals. Once you know you are committed to the process, have found a good fit for a therapist, and are invested in repairing and rekindling your marriage, take some time to think about what your goals are for your marriage and how to make it tangible. For instance, saying you want better communication is a great goal, but it may not be specific enough to help guide you to what you need to be focusing on. However, if you want to learn to have an disagreement without yelling, name-calling, or without someone leaving the room to end the fight, that gives you something more tangible to work toward, and thus being able to measure your progress.

Ready to get started working with a Carrollton marriage counselor? Call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online 24/7.

HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF MARRIAGE COUNSELING

Feeling nervous or uncertain about marriage counseling? Are you looking for some guarantee that you'll see changes? Worried about putting the fate of your relationship solely in the hands of a stranger? You're not alone! Today, I'd like to share with you some tips on how to get the most out of marriage counseling. These secrets can give you more control in your marriage counseling experience so that you can increase your chances of seeing changes more quickly and getting the results you want.

SELECT A THERAPIST THAT SPECIALIZES IN MARRIAGE THERAPY.

You may not know it, but there are therapists and counselors out there who specialize in certain areas of expertise, and while a generalist may be able to know a little about a lot, you may be able to make better progress if you work with a clinician with a marriage therapy speciality. Be on the lookout for the letters LMFT behind a therapist’s name, which stands for Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Or, ask your counselor or therapist of interest how many couples they see each week in their office or what percentage of married couples they work with to get a sense of if they will be a good fit or not. Think of it this way, if you had a heart problem, you may be better served if you sought out a cardiologist for your cardiac issues rather than continuing to work with your general practitioner.

PICK A THERAPIST YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH.

This is really important. If you don’t “jive” with your therapist, or you get some gut feeling that doesn’t sit well with you, keep searching. It is important that you work with someone who fits your style, understands your personality, and is caring and compassionate regardless of the details you bring to the table. I’ve heard of married couples who have worked with a therapist (who probably didn’t specialize in marriage therapy) who told the couple they just needed to go ahead and divorce. If you get that advice, and it doesn’t sit well with you, please continue searching. There IS a therapist out there (like me!) who won’t tell you that you’re relationship is doomed from the start. Some therapists may be able to incorporate some humor, some religious beliefs, some homework, or whatever you feel comfortable with. Don’t forget that therapists are people, too, and you need to work with someone you like. Otherwise, you may not get what you need.

BE HONEST.

Once you have found a therapist you can feel comfortable with, it increases the likelihood that you’ll be open and honest. Be willing to talk about difficult truths, otherwise, your therapist is only left to fix or help you repair a lie, and that will be a waste of your time and money. If you don’t feel comfortable being honest with your spouse in the room, as the therapist for some individual time to express your concerns.

BE PATIENT.

Your relationship probably didn’t get into a rut overnight. It also won’t get out of the rut overnight. Unfortunately, therapists don’t have a magic wand they can wave to immediately remedy complex marriage concerns. Sometimes it takes a few sessions before you start to see some positive traction, this is because there may be weeks/months/years worth of anger, hurt, or resentment to sort through to begin to make sense of how you got into the rut. Find out how your therapist does his/her best work to accelerate progress. Think of it like this: if you wanted to lose weight, you probably wouldn’t see progress after 1 workout or 1 healthy meal. You’d see progress after the weeks or months of effort.

ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED.

There is no one-size-fits-all kind of therapy. Therapists are constantly customizing the process to fit your situation and your needs. If you need more or less of something, have a discussion about it with your therapist. This ties into finding out how your therapist does his/her best work. If your therapist does their best work if you come weekly, have a conversation with them if you can only come twice monthly. They may be able to give you longer sessions, or a special time slot, or a VIP session to fit your needs. Otherwise, your therapist has no clue how to tweak your sessions or their approach unless you’re willing to communicate what you need.

BE VULNERABLE.

This is a tough one. Being willing to speak from the heart and discuss your deepest longings or deepest fears is difficult. But, it is also one of the most powerful things you can do in therapy. It is a version of being open and honest, but it also gives you the opportunity to be authentic. Often, we put up walls and keep people out to protect ourselves, but being vulnerable in a safe place (in session) can give your spouse the opportunity to really get to know your authentic self. I’ve seen spouses who feel “numb” or “angry” or like they don’t know if they want to be married anymore...keeping their partner at a distance. But, when they get vulnerable and talk about how they may feel sad, or despondent, or lonely, it gives their mate a glimpse of what’s really going on, and can give them permission to draw closer.

TAKE NOTES.

Be willing to attend session with a notepad and a pen if your therapist doesn’t have some for you to use. This is a great way to remember the take-away points. Jot down the “light bulb moments” or things you learned in session, or what stood out to you. This will allow you to look back and reflect. It is also a great way to continue to get your bang for your buck. Rather than meeting with your therapist to repeat previous content (that you may have forgotten), you can refer back to your notes. Taking notes can make it easier to implement what you learn each session. It can also make it easier to come to your next session with questions, insights, or new challenges that you want to focus on.

IMPLEMENT WHAT YOU LEARN EACH WEEK.

One error in thinking that many married couples make is that the therapist is doing all the work, or that all the work occurs in session. The couples that make the most progress are the ones who implement what they learn in session OUTSIDE of their session time. If you learn fair-fighting skills, you will not make the progress you want if you only practice those skills in session. Be willing to implement those skills in between session or to do your homework that's been assigned to you. That is where the real work and the real change occurs.

DISCUSS IT WITH YOUR SPOUSE AFTERWARD.

Reflect on session with your spouse. Talk about what you learned about each other. Also, talk about what you learned, noticed, or observed about yourself. Many married couples find themselves in trouble after they’ve spent months or years avoiding difficult conversations or neglecting the need to check-in with each other to see what’s working well in the relationship or what could make the marriage richer. Beginning to talk outside of session gets your wheels turning and gives you some momentum to move forward. It is also a wonderful way of communicating that your marriage satisfaction is a priority.

COME TO APPOINTMENTS CONSISTENTLY.

Research shows after 10-14 days between sessions, that you can lose therapeutic benefit. This means that if you come to therapy once a week for 8 weeks, you will see better progress than if you spaced those sessions out over the course of 6 months or a year. This means that in the long run, you save time, money, and possibly even your marriage. Follow your therapist’s recommendations. In my experience, the couples who follow recommendations and show up consistently see progress more quickly.

DON’T GET DISTRACTED BY DETAILS

Sessions typically last between 45-60 minutes, unless you request longer sessions. It is easy for session time to fly by. Resist the temptation to spend the session time discussing WHAT your last argument was about. It doesn’t matter if it was money, sex, kids, or who forgot to take out the trash or feed the dog. What will be important is if you spend your time instead focusing on HOW you argue. Do you yell? Shut down? Call names? Leave the house? Your therapist can help you pinpoint your relationship patterns which will be key in seeing changes in your marriage. Your therapist doesn’t necessarily need to know the he-said, she-said details to see your pattern. Focusing on the bigger picture rather than getting lost in the details can save you time, and money, thus helping you see progress more quickly.

SELF PAY.

While paying out of pocket is not always desired or inexpensive, it certainly has its perks when considering marriage counseling. In order for insurance to pay for marriage counseling, one spouse must be diagnosed with a mental disorder. This means that the scope of your therapy focus will be centered around treating that diagnosis, not necessarily your marriage concerns. It also means that you will have a mental disorder diagnosis on your permanent medical record, which can affect your insurance premiums or long-term life insurance. It also means that your therapist may have to communicate with the insurance companies about your treatment and may have to write a report that says you are getting better, but you are still “sick” enough to require treatment for that disorder. This puts some limits on confidentiality. If you choose to self pay, it means you and your therapist get to decide what to work on and when, and that means without diagnosis one spouse with a disorder. As a result, you get to hit the ground running in session and really get to focus on the heart of the matter, and you have increased privacy and confidentiality. you get the FREEDOM to work in a way that is a fit for you and your marriage and not dictated by others.

INVEST IN YOURSELF

Therapy is not easy, nor inexpensive. We therapists get that. It is an investment. That means marriage therapy isn’t for everybody. It is for people who want to invest in their marriage, their commitment, themselves, and their spouse. It is for those who really want to maximize their experience with their spouse, whether it is to improve sex, parenting, communication, or intimacy and trust. To get the most out of this process, be willing to invest in yourself. Learn about how you operate in relationships. This doesn’t necessarily mean you tell your therapist about everything your spouse does wrong. You can often see progress more quickly if you learn early on how you can bring your best self to the table. Rather than focusing time and energy on how to change your spouse, discover how you can be the catalyst for change by bringing your best foot forward.

Now that you know how you can maximize your marriage therapy experience, you may be more inspired to take action. In my experience, the couples who take in this information, follow recommendations, and really do the subtle behind-the-scenes work are the ones who transform their marriages most rapidly. I’ve worked with couples who in 3 months went from considering divorce to feeling blissful in their marriage and experiencing another honeymoon phase. Knowing that you can have some tips to increasing therapy effectiveness can be empowering and reassuring. And that is what I want for you, to feel empowered and reassured that there is hope for your marriage.

If you’re ready to make an investment in your marriage and yourself, and want to work with a licensed marriage therapist in the CARROLTON area who is caring and compassionate, call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online 24/7.