Couples Therapy: A Solution for Anxiety and Depression?

Imagine you’re happily coupled up in a wonderful relationship that you find satisfying and fulfilling. Now, imagine that your partner tells you they love you, but they’re no longer in love with you, or that they’re seeing someone else, or that they want out of the relationship. How might you feel? Worried? Upset? Devastated? Betrayed? Confused? Angry? Brokenhearted? Now, imagine that you’re naturally anxious or depressed but you are in a relationship with someone who can calm you in the storm, will have your back and support you, can bring you back from the edge, and can understand you even in the midst of your emotional pain. If relationship distress can have a negative impact on our emotional and physical health, can’t it be possible that secure relationships can have a positive impact on our emotional and physical health? Research and revolutionary science of romantic love is now suggesting that secure bonds are vital when we are struggling.

As humans, we are wired for connected. In fact, we are the only species wired for connection, and thus, wired for love. When we don’t have it, or when it is threatened, it is like cutting off our oxygen supply. And then, the panic sets in. We make attempt after attempt to be soothed and comforted, but sometimes we ask for love in the most unloving of ways, ways that our partners can’t hear, see, or understand. This leaves us feeling distant and disconnected. Since the brain can’t really differentiate between emotional pain and physical pain, it just senses pain is coming and prepares to either fight the bear, or run from it (cueing the flight or fight response). When we are in this primal panic, we begin to see our partner as the enemy and the source of our discomfort and pain. Love’s function is really about security and survival. In fact, love affects the immune system, and one of the biggest predictors in good outcomes in patients with chronic medical conditions (cancer, heart disease, etc) is a good support system. Some researchers also argue that supportive, loving connection can also be the antidote to addictions.

But in today’s age, we are becoming lonelier, more isolated, and more disengaged from ourselves, the world around us, and unfortunately, those we love. It is not ironic then that we are having higher numbers of stress, overwhelm, anxiety, and depression in our society. We are increasingly ashamed to admit we need people, fearing it makes us too “vulnerable” or too “needy” or “weak.” But, there is strength in love, loving, and allowing ourselves to be loved.

Love works magically to reduce stress hormones, and increasing dopamine levels, working to decrease anxiety and depression symptoms. Love can instill healthy behaviors, keeping us accountable with our health and wellness regimens (Men are more likely to go to the doctor for routine check-ups when in a committed relationship.) While you might not be able to completely eradicate anxiety or depression symptoms, we can certainly work on building bonds with those that we love to combat those symptoms. Many times, we notice a chicken-or-the-egg phenomenon: does my anxiety/depression affect my relationship, or does my relationship affect my anxiety/depression. And the answer is: both. Working with a couples therapist to reconnect, grow intimacy and desire, increase support and understanding, while learning to communicate effectively and be there for one another can be a natural, non-pathological way of managing intense moods or emotions.

Relationships can make the bad times tolerable and the good times extraordinary. And working on this is something that you can do together, which means you get to feel like a team that combats life’s struggles together, already fostering a greater sense of connection and support.

Are you interested in growing your relationship and using your romantic connection to combat stress, overwhelm, anxiety, or depression? We would love to help you and your mate revive a tired relationship or learn to feel closer, more engaged, and trust that you’ll be there for one another. Call us today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online.

BENEFITS OF PREMARITAL COUNSELING

As a couples and marriage therapist, there is one area of the field that I wish was more popular: premarital counseling. I cringe a little bit inside every time I hear a couple say they don’t need pre-marital counseling because: “we never argue,” or “we get along so well,” or “we agree on almost everything,” or “we are just so happy already.” While that may be true, premarital counseling can be very effective in setting the tone for how resilient your marriage is when those tough waves come rolling in. Premarital counseling can help you prepare for your marriage, and not just the wedding. The wedding lasts for one day, but the marriage is intended to last forever.

Realistic Expectations. Every relationship has peaks and valleys. If you assume that your relationship will only be comprised of peaks, you are already setting yourself up for failure. In fact, many couples grow closer together during the valleys if they know exactly how to do so. Premarital counseling can help you discover what you should be discussing with each other, begin having conversations about how you can handle the valleys, and learn how to predict them.

Marital Satisfaction. According to a survey published in the Journal of Family Psychology, couples with premarital education reported higher levels of marital satisfaction and experienced a 30 percent decline in the likelihood of divorce over five years.

Early Intervention. Married couples tend to wait on average 7 years before seeking professional help with marital issues. This means there has been a lot of time for anger, frustration, resentment and emotional distance to creep in. The benefit of premarital counseling is that it can help you nix potential issues before they snowball into larger problems.

Cutting Edge. Marriage counseling has about an 80% success rate for couples who already report having issues keeping them stuck. Committing to premarital counseling now can give you an advantageous edge over couples who decide to go into the marriage without help or insight.

Solid Foundation. It sets the stage for the relationship. By committing to premarital counseling, you are demonstrating that your relationship is a priority, even when things are going well. Learning how to stay connected to each other is often easier to do when things are going well, rather than when intense emotions are running high. I like to think of it like this: imagine you buy a house to remodel it, and it has really ugly carpet, floors, cabinets, wall colors, etc. But, you can see the potential in it if only you can fix the cosmetic issues and make it pretty again. Now imagine there is a crack in the foundation of the house. It won’t matter how pretty it is on the inside if a cracked foundation means it all could crumble and come crashing down later. Let’s reinforce that foundation early on.

Overcome Fear. You can banish the fear that talking about the relationship will cause more problems. Some couples are worried that premarital counseling can shed light on problems in the relationship, wanting to avoid it altogether. Although, the opposite is true, as addressing it early on can help you learn to resolve conflict or get your needs met quickly and effectively. In fact, in my experience, couples who avoid conflict because of fear of rocking the boat eventually become dissatisfied in their marriage, as do couples who argue over and over with no resolution.

Communicate. You will learn how to communicate. Premarital counseling can help you understand why couples fight, learn how to fight fairly and in a way that won’t be damaging or destructive to the relationship, and how to stop a fight before it begins. So regardless of conversations about money, sex, kids, family/friends, or religion, you will know how to have constructive conversations.

Gain wisdom. The beauty in working with a therapist or a counseling who offers premarital counseling is that they have likely had hundreds or thousands of couples in their office who have been struggling in their relationship. Consider your therapist a wealth of knowledge who can shed some insight on the most common reasons they’ve seen couples split up, or why some relationships worked better than others.

Build rapport. Working with a premarital therapist already gets you connected and established with a professional in the area of romantic relationships. Moving forward in your marriage, if you do have issues arise and want to sort it out with a neutral third party, you will already have that contact and that rapport built with someone who knows you and your relationship. It makes it much easier to pick up the phone and say “Hey, remember me? I’d love to make an appointment with you.”

Smart Investment. Money is probably one of the biggest reasons many people don’t commit to premarital counseling. It can be expensive, of course. But so is a wedding dress, and venue, flowers, catering, etc. However, I also know that premarital counseling is a cheaper alternative to a divorce and divorce attorney fees. Plain and simple, premarital counseling is the one thing that gives you a return on your investment when you’re planning a wedding by helping you actually prepare for marriage, making you smart!

Marriage License Discount. Speaking of money, you can often receive a discount on your marriage license fee (usually around $76 in Carrollton, Ga) or have your marriage license fee waived completely in some counties if you complete a premarital counseling course. In Carroll County, you receive a $40 discount, reducing your marriage license fee to $36.

If you are ready to maximize your experience with your future spouse and are interested in giving premarital counseling a try, call me today at 678-796-8255 and we can see if it is a good fit for you!