Makeover Your Relationship This Week
Feeling a bit at odds with your mate? Like you’ve been at each others’ throats about small, trivial things? You may wish your partner was less irritable, more enjoyable, and more fun--like they used to be. But, it can feel like a daunting task and downright powerless to sit around hoping and waiting for the other person to change, especially after you’ve repeated yourself over and over again. While there aren't any quick-fixes, here are some simple, but effective strategies that YOU can implement turn your relationship around this week.
Feeling a bit at odds with your mate? Like you’ve been at each others’ throats about small, trivial things? You may wish your partner was less irritable, more enjoyable, and more fun--like they used to be. But, it can feel like a daunting task and downright powerless to sit around hoping and waiting for the other person to change, especially after you’ve repeated yourself over and over again. While there aren't any quick-fixes, here are some simple, but effective strategies that YOU can implement turn your relationship around this week.
1. Start with a beginner’s mind.
I bet you can finish your partner’s sentences. You know if you ask them for something or tell them what you want, you can predict their behavior. You know each other so well, it’s like you can see into the future and already know how a situation is going to go down. We often assume the worst. “I’m not even going to ask him to visit my family because all he will do is pout and complain the whole time.” “There’s no point in initiating sex because she will just say no anyway. She always has a headache.” However, this kind of thinking sets up a self fulfilling prophecy at times. Try seeing every situation through a beginner’s mind...this means don’t automatically assume you know the outcome or that it will be negative. Start with a fresh outlook, much like you’ve just met. This will keep you curious, lighthearted, and will help your partner not be so guarded, and thus, open to different responses.
2. Know what buttons to NOT push.
If I asked you to intentionally push your partner’s buttons, I bet it wouldn’t take long for you to know exactly what to do to get your mate to tick, right? You know what they do/don’t like. This means you know what their hot buttons are. This also means you know what to NOT DO to push your partner’s buttons. Simply avoid the jabs that may stir your partner up and find ways to remedy when you do push buttons. For example, if you know your partner likes being on time and the two of you argue when you’re rushed and running late, make every effort to be on time or early to demonstrate care and respect to your partner. This will eliminate any tension or harsh startup that can quickly spiral out of control.
3. Act as if your partner is responding lovingly.
If you’re not noticing much change, and still find your partner being negative, behave as though they had just responded positively, lovingly, and the way you’d hoped. Now think about this: think of a moment when you expect a negative reaction out of your partner….and now think of what your response might look like. It’ll probably be somewhat negative, right? Now, imagine if your partner responds the way you’d hoped and what your behavior/attitude/body language would look like in response. Probably more positive, right? This goes to show you that you have more power and control in the relationship that you may have previously thought. And you can interrupt vicious negative cycles.
Doing these three things can help create a sense of peace, ease, and calm in your relationship and can shift negative interactions into positive ones. It will require some consistency on your part. (Don’t try it for a day and ditch it forever if it doesn’t work). Be patient and stick with it. It might take a few days for your partner to trust that you’re different and these new changes could be here for the long haul. And if there’s less fighting or bickering, there’s time for more important things, like spontaneity, intimacy, laughter, affection, fun, generosity, and kindness.
Need a little guidance trying these out? Or have you tried these, but want to dig deeper? Our couples therapists are ready to work with you to develop strategies to keep your relationship moving in the right direction. Call us today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online.
WHEN WE STOP TAKING CARE OF THOSE WE LOVE
Recently, on social media, a mother’s account about the ever-changing role in motherhood caught the attention of mothers across the world. The article was titled
Recently, on social media, a mother’s account about the ever-changing role in motherhood caught the attention of mothers across the world. The article was titled “When Did I Last Wash Your Hair?” It revealed how we often forget to savor the small moments in our relationships with our children, and how this mother didn’t know that the last time she washed her daughter’s hair would be the last time. She went on to state:
“Why didn’t I know it was the last time? If I would have known, I would have done a better job, or made it last longer, or kissed her head or something. I would have DONE SOMETHING!”
Further into the article, she discussed how she was afforded a second chance after her daughter fractured her wrist, transforming her independent daughter into someone who, once again, needed her mother’s help. She was able to wash her daughter’s hair with a new perspective:
the wisdom to know that every moment is sacred if we can slow down enough to see it.
This article made me think about the clients I work with. We are often so plagued by the annoyances and nuances of our partners, that we forget to view each moment as sacred. We begin to view them through the lens that makes them the enemy, not the ally. We sometimes distance emotionally and physically.
I often work with couples who are trying to survive an affair, and typically the first response is anger and hurt. This is normal, valid, and important to process through. But sometimes what happens is we begin to create a dynamic where the adulterer is the problem, the bad guy, the one to blame, and the perpetrator so to speak, making the other partner the victim. The “victim” can certainly feel “victimized”, shocked, betrayed, and blindsided, and it is easy to sit in that pain, sometimes becoming paralyzed by it.
It is important to note that affairs (whether emotional or sexual) are usually an attempt to solve a problem in the relationship, and are essentially a cry for help. Healing can begin and trust can be re-established especially when both parties are willing to take a hard look at how they shaped the relationship, and how the affair made sense in context. Taking a look at some hard truths requires us to take accountability for our behaviors (or lack thereof) and how we may have drifted from bringing our best version of ourselves to our relationship table. Our relationships often serves as a mirror for us and reflect back what we are putting into the relationship.
What does this have to do with the article I mentioned before? Being willing to slow down and see each moment as sacred can change the way we see our romantic relationships. Some of the clients I work with finally reach this point and are brave enough to see past the anger and hurt and examine those hard truths. Sometimes they say things like this:
“I was so hurt that my husband cheated on me and we finally sat down to talk after being apart for some time. When I looked at him, I noticed his skin was rough and his toenails had not been clipped. I realized, I used to take care of those things for him, and now I can’t remember the last time I clipped his toenails or rubbed lotion on his body.”
“Before bed, I used to always make my husband sandwiches for lunch the next day. He never appreciated me. I felt like he didn’t need me, so I stopped making his sandwiches. I don’t remember the last time I made him a sandwich.”
“When I was dating my wife, I made sure to compliment her. She was so beautiful and fun and sexy. After we got married, it was great because she knew I felt that way about her and I didn’t have to remind her all the time. We didn’t have to talk about it. But I can’t tell you the last time I looked at her, you know, really looked at her, and told her all the things I found beautiful or attractive about her.”
When was the last time I washed your hair?
When was the last time I clipped your nails, or put lotion on you, or made you lunch, or told you that you were beautiful, or held your hand and kissed you just because?
Whether those questions regard your child or your spouse, I invite you to dig deeper and be willing to answer them. Be willing to slow down and appreciate those moments. Be willing to continue taking care of those who need us, whether they seem to appreciate it or not. Be willing to not just HAVE love; be willing to DO love, BE love, and MAKE love.
Ready to go deeper? Whether you’re healing from an affair, trying to affair-proof your marriage, or just trying to be more present in your relationship, call today at 678-796-8255 for a consult or schedule online 24/7.