Apologizing is no easy feat. I work with many couples, families, and individuals who are hurting, and want their loved ones to recognize their hurt, and expect an apology in some capacity. But, why is apologizing so hard to do? And if we don’t mean it, should we still apologize? We have conceptualized apologizing as a vehicle for admitting we are wrong, smoothing things over, or giving in, any of which signify that we may be weak. Contrary to popular belief, it takes great strength and courage to dare to apologize, and here is guide for when to do it, and how to do it well.
When to apologize:
Someone expresses that you’ve hurt them in some way. Whether you’re told (sometimes not so gracefully) that you’ve upset, angered, disappointed, embarrassed, scared, betrayed, etc someone, this person has become vulnerable enough to share difficult feelings and upset with you. When you can acknowledge their hurt, you are vulnerable in response. That mutual vulnerability is the antidote to shame, secrecy, and silence, and thus becomes the basis for human connection, and in couples, it breeds intimacy. Apologizing in this context can be empowering for several reasons: you hold yourself accountable for your actions/reactions, you demonstrate integrity, and the ability to remain non-judgmental when someone is open and honest and vulnerable with you. As a result, TRUST is born.
When you want to feel closer to someone with whom you feel there is distance. An apology has the ability to soothe and heal because it is a form of validation. The reason is because when you acknowledge how you hurt someone (whether it was intentional or not, and whether you agree with it or not), you are really saying “I’m there for you. I care about you. Your feelings are important to me and matter to me. I am willing to listen and understand you, even when it is difficult to do. I’ve got your back.” As a result, TRUST is rebuilt.
How to apologize:
1. Apologize for the thing they are upset about or hurt over.
I’m sorry for.../I apologize for.../I feel really bad for...
2. Acknowledge their pain by owning your mistakes/wrongdoings/or your role in the pain you caused someone else. This does not mean admitting you’re wrong when you really believe you’re right. This means validating how the other person felt about your actions without justifying your behavior. If you justify your behavior, it doesn’t feel genuine; it’s getting defensive.
This was wrong because.../It made you feel.../I wish I hadn’t because..
3. Make amends by strategizing and problem solving how you can work to change things in the future. This step trips people up because it is often the missing ingredient in conflict resolution. Making amends means you have every intention of trying not to repeat this behavior and it demonstrates a plan of action.
Next time.../In the future I will…
4. Ask for forgiveness. Plain and simple. It is a powerful gesture, because it is a humble exchange of vulnerability and power. It is also a way to gather closure that really signifies when a conflict has been resolved. Just ensure that it is sincere, and be mindful of tone of voice and body language as you say it.
Please forgive me.../Will you forgive me.../Can you forgive me
Let’s take a look at these 2 scenarios for example:
“Look, I said I’m sorry if you feel like I hurt your feelings, but you were being a jerk to me. You should know by now I was joking anyway. Besides, I had a bad day and it would be nice if you could understand that. Can we drop it now?”
"I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings. I wish I hadn’t said those things to you because it made you feel sad. Next time, I will do my best to let you know that I’ve had a bad day and I will work on calming down before taking my anger out on you. Will you forgive me?"
Which one would make you feel more heard, validated, and understood? Most likely B! The beautiful thing about this kind of apology is that you will invite the other person to reciprocate the apology process and reflect what they are learning from you back to you. This means when you initiate an apology, you get to be the catalyst for change. Talk about power!
Remember, you don’t have to apologize for feeling some type of way. For example, you’re not apologizing for getting mad. What you are apologizing for is genuinely causing someone else distress. And acknowledging that is how to show love and care. (“I’m not sorry for having a bad day. I am sorry that because of my bad day, I made you feel bad, too.)