We begin serious relationships and marriages with the intention that it will last forever. We are hopeful, excited, in love. There is honesty, good communication, passion. We think it will always be this way. So, when you realize that your relationship is not what it used to be or not what you hoped it would turn out like, we naturally begin to ask ourselves “is this as good as it gets?” I get it. It seems like you’ve tried everything and nothing works. It may feel like your partner doesn’t communicate well, or doesn’t understand you, or doesn’t even care to change. You may begin to feel like you’re miserable and can’t help but wonder if it will always be this way or how much longer you can do this, eventually asking yourself “should I stay in this relationship or end it?” Can you relate to this? If so, here are a few tips to consider to help you make your decision.
Consider working with a trained professional.
A trained professional, such as a licensed marriage therapist can help you sort your thoughts and take a look at the bigger picture. It will also give you the opportunity to learn your relationship patterns and help you identify what is making the problem worse. You will get feedback and interventions that can help shake up that pattern so that you and your partner can begin to decide what needs to happen.
Has your relationship always been this way?
It is important that you take a look at if your partner or relationship has always been this way. Consider times when it was different, and take a close look at what was specifically different about those times. Was it different because you had date night? Or because him forgetting to take out the trash didn’t bother you back then? Did you spend more time together? Get back to basics and do things that worked for you in the past.
Are you saying yes out of fear?
If the only reason you are staying is because you are afraid of the unknown and are more comfortable with the familiar, ask yourself if you are compromising your personal integrity. In other words, are you betraying yourself to please others?
Your bottom line & dealbreakers.
Know what patterns or behaviors are absolutely inappropriate in your relationship. Know what your bottom line is that would lead you to walk away from the relationship. For example, could you heal from an affair, but be unable to heal if your spouse let your house go into foreclosure, or vice versa?
Children.
If you and your partner have children, they can certainly impact your decision. Consider what role, if any, your children are playing in your relationship and your decision to stay or leave. Also ask yourself what you may or may not be teaching children about relationships if you stay or leave.
Money.
Financial complications often leave people stuck. They are afraid to make a move because they fear they may not be able to afford to do so. This is common and something to consider when trying to discern if you should stay or leave. Consider what other supports you have in place. On the other hand, couples sometimes fight over money. So take into account if working a different job or taking on a small part time job would take some stress and pressure off your spouse (and thus, improve the relationship).
Pattern of behavior or single event?
Often times, couples struggle with addiction, betrayal, infidelity, abuse or violence, or emotional unavailability. Consider if this behavior is a single event or a repeated pattern of behavior. Did you marry your spouse despite the fact he/she was unfaithful to you prior to the marriage? Does your spouse continue to call you names in front of your children? Did your partner have too much to drink one night and make a bad decision? If there are repeat behaviors, you have to consider if you’re willing to stay if this behavior continues. Also consider if your partner is willing to change this behavior and is open to taking the steps needed to receive support in helping to do so.
Be willing to sit in your truth.
It may mean you have to take a long hard look in the mirror and get real with yourself, or make a difficult decision that you may not want to make. It may be painful to see the truth (not making excuses for your partner or yourself, not minimizing the pain or the behavior or justifying your position, or avoiding thinking about it all together.) It may seem like avoidance can help, but it will eventually make matters worse.
What role do you play in this?
Examine how you may have shaped this relationship. Did you bring your best self to the table? If not, take a look at what would be different about you if you did.
Toxicity.
Sometimes really great individuals don’t always make the best partners for each other. Ask yourself if you as an individual is good for the relationship and if the relationship is good for both of you as individuals.
But there’s someone else.
If there is someone else romantically involved, know that it will be very difficult to work on this relationship/marriage and arrive to a decision when there is someone bright and shiny on the outside. Don’t use your mistress/lover as a healthy comparison to your current relationship. For example, if you’re on a strict diet where you can’t have sugar or carbs, ice cream looks really appealing. So, if you choose to ditch your diet and eat tons of ice cream, it may feel good in the moment. Over time, you may find that you have unhealthy sugar levels and have gained weight. Bright and shiny doesn’t always mean better. If you want to work on your relationship in counseling, it will be important that you stop contact with the third party so that you can bring your best self to the table. This will give you an accurate idea of is this relationship can work rather than a skewed view because you only gave your best 50%. 100% is required.