Couples Therapy: A Solution for Anxiety and Depression?

Imagine you’re happily coupled up in a wonderful relationship that you find satisfying and fulfilling. Now, imagine that your partner tells you they love you, but they’re no longer in love with you, or that they’re seeing someone else, or that they want out of the relationship. How might you feel? Worried? Upset? Devastated? Betrayed? Confused? Angry? Brokenhearted? Now, imagine that you’re naturally anxious or depressed but you are in a relationship with someone who can calm you in the storm, will have your back and support you, can bring you back from the edge, and can understand you even in the midst of your emotional pain. If relationship distress can have a negative impact on our emotional and physical health, can’t it be possible that secure relationships can have a positive impact on our emotional and physical health? Research and revolutionary science of romantic love is now suggesting that secure bonds are vital when we are struggling.

As humans, we are wired for connected. In fact, we are the only species wired for connection, and thus, wired for love. When we don’t have it, or when it is threatened, it is like cutting off our oxygen supply. And then, the panic sets in. We make attempt after attempt to be soothed and comforted, but sometimes we ask for love in the most unloving of ways, ways that our partners can’t hear, see, or understand. This leaves us feeling distant and disconnected. Since the brain can’t really differentiate between emotional pain and physical pain, it just senses pain is coming and prepares to either fight the bear, or run from it (cueing the flight or fight response). When we are in this primal panic, we begin to see our partner as the enemy and the source of our discomfort and pain. Love’s function is really about security and survival. In fact, love affects the immune system, and one of the biggest predictors in good outcomes in patients with chronic medical conditions (cancer, heart disease, etc) is a good support system. Some researchers also argue that supportive, loving connection can also be the antidote to addictions.

But in today’s age, we are becoming lonelier, more isolated, and more disengaged from ourselves, the world around us, and unfortunately, those we love. It is not ironic then that we are having higher numbers of stress, overwhelm, anxiety, and depression in our society. We are increasingly ashamed to admit we need people, fearing it makes us too “vulnerable” or too “needy” or “weak.” But, there is strength in love, loving, and allowing ourselves to be loved.

Love works magically to reduce stress hormones, and increasing dopamine levels, working to decrease anxiety and depression symptoms. Love can instill healthy behaviors, keeping us accountable with our health and wellness regimens (Men are more likely to go to the doctor for routine check-ups when in a committed relationship.) While you might not be able to completely eradicate anxiety or depression symptoms, we can certainly work on building bonds with those that we love to combat those symptoms. Many times, we notice a chicken-or-the-egg phenomenon: does my anxiety/depression affect my relationship, or does my relationship affect my anxiety/depression. And the answer is: both. Working with a couples therapist to reconnect, grow intimacy and desire, increase support and understanding, while learning to communicate effectively and be there for one another can be a natural, non-pathological way of managing intense moods or emotions.

Relationships can make the bad times tolerable and the good times extraordinary. And working on this is something that you can do together, which means you get to feel like a team that combats life’s struggles together, already fostering a greater sense of connection and support.

Are you interested in growing your relationship and using your romantic connection to combat stress, overwhelm, anxiety, or depression? We would love to help you and your mate revive a tired relationship or learn to feel closer, more engaged, and trust that you’ll be there for one another. Call us today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online.

Will My Therapist Tell Me to Divorce?

So, you may be thinking about marriage or couples counseling and have started looking for a therapist. Finding the right fit can be confusing and sometimes a bit of a challenge, especially if you don't know what to expect. Many clients are nervous that when they finally do meet with their therapist, they will be met with some kind of fate about the relationship and that they will possibly hear something they don't want to. This is extremely normal and common for many individuals and couples pursuing therapy. If you're wondering if a therapist will tell you what to do regarding your relationship, then we have an answer for you.

Often times, we find ourselves working with 2 kinds of clients when it comes to this topic: the kind who want to leave the relationship and are afraid of being told to stay (whether it is for financial, religious, or moral reasons) and those who want to stay in the relationship but are afraid of being told they are crazy for staying and should thus leave or divorce. So, will we tell you to stay in a relationship or leave it? The answer is no.

We work with lots of couples, and we have seen a little bit of everything. With that being said, we really value marriage and the fulfillment that comes with a healthy and highly satisfying relationship. On the other hand, we also value clients' individual needs and how sometimes the way to live a life of fulfillment means to leave a relationship that doesn't allow for safety, security, and satisfaction. It is our job to meet clients where they are at and support them in their decision making. This means that we are not at all invested in whether you stay in the relationship or leave it. Sounds a little crazy coming from a couples clinic, right?

Here's our reasoning: If we get too invested in you working on your marriage when you really want to leave, you will likely feel judged, unable to be honest in session, and most likely won't see progress because you won't be invested in repairing the relationship. This simply isn't helpful for you. Also, if you really want to stay in the relationship but we are invested in you ending it, then you may feel like something is wrong for you for wanting to stay. Instead, our job is not to force you to stay or leave. Our job is to help you take a look at the relationship as a whole, all of the moving parts within the relationship, and yourself/your mate on an individual level so that you can make the best decision for YOU...and not what your well-meaning friends and family want you to do or think you should do.

We are invested in one thing: your integrity. If you decide to end the relationship, we have your back and will support you in your decision and help you navigate the next steps. If you decide that you're all in and you want to work on the relationship, then we have your back there and will support you in that decision. It is important to us that you get what you need, that you can be honest with your therapist, and that you can make decisions that feel authentic and genuine for you, so that you can begin to live an authentic life where you feel confident about your decisions. After all, they are your decisions...not someone else's. 

You may be wondering, "but what if I am torn and I don't know what decision to make?" That's ok. We can meet you where you're at, explore all your options, consider all factors, and examine your needs so that we can help you arrive at a decision that is best for you and your mate. And if you need some time to figure it all out, that's ok. We will have your back, no matter what.

Ready to start exploring what the next best step is for you and your relationship without judgment or force? We are here to help. Call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule online and let's see how we can get started.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

We begin serious relationships and marriages with the intention that it will last forever. We are hopeful, excited, in love. There is honesty, good communication, passion. We think it will always be this way. So, when you realize that your relationship is not what it used to be or not what you hoped it would turn out like, we naturally begin to ask ourselves “is this as good as it gets?” I get it. It seems like you’ve tried everything and nothing works. It may feel like your partner doesn’t communicate well, or doesn’t understand you, or doesn’t even care to change. You may begin to feel like you’re miserable and can’t help but wonder if it will always be this way or how much longer you can do this, eventually asking yourself “should I stay in this relationship or end it?” Can you relate to this? If so, here are a few tips to consider to help you make your decision.

Consider working with a trained professional.

A trained professional, such as a licensed marriage therapist can help you sort your thoughts and take a look at the bigger picture. It will also give you the opportunity to learn your relationship patterns and help you identify what is making the problem worse. You will get feedback and interventions that can help shake up that pattern so that you and your partner can begin to decide what needs to happen.

Has your relationship always been this way?

It is important that you take a look at if your partner or relationship has always been this way. Consider times when it was different, and take a close look at what was specifically different about those times. Was it different because you had date night? Or because him forgetting to take out the trash didn’t bother you back then? Did you spend more time together? Get back to basics and do things that worked for you in the past.

Are you saying yes out of fear?

If the only reason you are staying is because you are afraid of the unknown and are more comfortable with the familiar, ask yourself if you are compromising your personal integrity. In other words, are you betraying yourself to please others?

Your bottom line & dealbreakers.

Know what patterns or behaviors are absolutely inappropriate in your relationship. Know what your bottom line is that would lead you to walk away from the relationship. For example, could you heal from an affair, but be unable to heal if your spouse let your house go into foreclosure, or vice versa?

Children.

If you and your partner have children, they can certainly impact your decision. Consider what role, if any, your children are playing in your relationship and your decision to stay or leave. Also ask yourself what you may or may not be teaching children about relationships if you stay or leave.

Money.

Financial complications often leave people stuck. They are afraid to make a move because they fear they may not be able to afford to do so. This is common and something to consider when trying to discern if you should stay or leave. Consider what other supports you have in place. On the other hand, couples sometimes fight over money. So take into account if working a different job or taking on a small part time job would take some stress and pressure off your spouse (and thus, improve the relationship).

Pattern of behavior or single event?

Often times, couples struggle with addiction, betrayal, infidelity, abuse or violence, or emotional unavailability. Consider if this behavior is a single event or a repeated pattern of behavior. Did you marry your spouse despite the fact he/she was unfaithful to you prior to the marriage? Does your spouse continue to call you names in front of your children? Did your partner have too much to drink one night and make a bad decision? If there are repeat behaviors, you have to consider if you’re willing to stay if this behavior continues. Also consider if your partner is willing to change this behavior and is open to taking the steps needed to receive support in helping to do so.

Be willing to sit in your truth.

It may mean you have to take a long hard look in the mirror and get real with yourself, or make a difficult decision that you may not want to make. It may be painful to see the truth (not making excuses for your partner or yourself, not minimizing the pain or the behavior or justifying your position, or avoiding thinking about it all together.) It may seem like avoidance can help, but it will eventually make matters worse.

What role do you play in this?

Examine how you may have shaped this relationship. Did you bring your best self to the table? If not, take a look at what would be different about you if you did.

Toxicity.

Sometimes really great individuals don’t always make the best partners for each other. Ask yourself if you as an individual is good for the relationship and if the relationship is good for both of you as individuals.

But there’s someone else.

If there is someone else romantically involved, know that it will be very difficult to work on this relationship/marriage and arrive to a decision when there is someone bright and shiny on the outside. Don’t use your mistress/lover as a healthy comparison to your current relationship. For example, if you’re on a strict diet where you can’t have sugar or carbs, ice cream looks really appealing. So, if you choose to ditch your diet and eat tons of ice cream, it may feel good in the moment. Over time, you may find that you have unhealthy sugar levels and have gained weight. Bright and shiny doesn’t always mean better. If you want to work on your relationship in counseling, it will be important that you stop contact with the third party so that you can bring your best self to the table. This will give you an accurate idea of is this relationship can work rather than a skewed view because you only gave your best 50%. 100% is required.

Coming to a decision is difficult work and there are lots of factors to consider. If you’ve can relate to any of this, and you would like some help sorting out your relationship and deciding if you should stay or go, I’d love to help. You don’t have to do this alone. Call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule online now.

WHAT HAPPENS IN COUPLES THERAPY?

Considering couples therapy or new to the counseling process? It is normal to be scared and nervous if you’ve never done it before and don’t know what to expect, or if you’ve been to counseling before but are now working with a new therapist.It would likely be helpful if you had some insight to what really happens in couples therapy. While each therapist may be a bit different in their approach, this is just an idea of what it could look like based on how things go when I work with couples. Here is some of what you can expect if you are considering couples therapy.

1. You get comfortable and ready for session. When my clients first arrive, they walk into the lounge/waiting area. It looks like a living room, equipped with couches near the fireplace, soft lighting, and reading material. The waiting room usually isn’t crowded, and I like to keep it that way as best as possible. You will have a moment to use the restroom, have a snack or beverage while you wait. There is not always a secretary or receptionist on duty, so you will have a moment to settle in before your therapist welcomes you and begins session. Depending on your therapist, you may spend a few moments completing paperwork. Some therapists will have you complete paperwork electronically before arriving.

2. Your therapist will greet you and will lead you to the therapy room. You may be offered a cold beverage or hot tea/coffee once in the room. I like to leave almonds and chocolates in the room for my clients, as well as notepads and pens in case you want to take a few notes.

3. In the first session, the therapist will usually spend some time getting to know the both of you, asking questions to gain some insight to your relationship background, and will ask some questions about what is bringing you to therapy. The therapist will be listening and assessing, working to get a sense of what the problem is and how to help you get from where you are to where you want to be. Sometimes, it is difficult to get all of the necessary information about the problem in one session, but the therapist should have a sense of if he/she can help you or not. Toward the end of session, the therapist will offer recommendations based on what is being discussed in session and will talk with you about how to best move forward, working with the you to develop a plan that works best for the both of you. The therapist will usually share a bit about how he/she works best and may provide you with some education about what happened to your relationship, what to expect in therapy moving forward, or you may be given homework or an opportunity to ask questions. Then, if you are a good fit together, you will be rescheduled for your next appointment.

4. In subsequent sessions, your therapist will remain neutral, never judging or blaming you, no matter how shameful or embarrassing the topic may be. You may get some individual time with your therapist to discuss your concerns about your relationship in private. Your therapist also will give you tools, strategies, new insights and perspectives, but they will never tell you if you should end the relationship or not, or if you’re doomed to fail or not. Your therapist presents you with information, and helps you decide where you stand. Your therapist should be invested in you keeping your integrity intact at all times. There may be moments where your therapist challenges you to think outside the box or to begin to think, behave, or relate in new ways that may be difficult at first.

5. As you continue attending your sessions, you will notice some relief and some progress. Your therapist will then discuss with you coming to therapy less frequently, to give you the opportunity to master your new skills independently (think of it like learning to ride a bicycle without training wheels).

6. Once you’ve reached your goals and you feel therapy is over, you will discuss a plan with your therapist about how to move forward, how to recognize warning signs in the future, how to have a plan of action to prevent issues from snowballing into bigger ones, or how you can now take a good relationship and turn it into a great relationship.

Ready to get started with a trained couples therapist? Call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule online 24/7. I look forward to hearing your story!

The Kiss of Death In Relationship

Christmas is quickly approaching. Sometimes the season is a little more exhilarating for some more than others. But nonetheless, we live in a culture where we are expected be cheery, delightful, spirited, and excited about the holiday craze. Before we know it, we find ourselves deciding what people we will be buying gifts for, what we will buy them, and how much we will spend on them. Sometimes, even those of us with the best of intentions can find ourselves thinking things like this:

“I’m not spending much on so-and-so this year...they always buy me a crappy gift.” 

“They never spend as much on me as I do on them.”

“I’m not buying them anything this year because they never bother getting me anything. Why should I care?”

Many of the couples I work with adopt this same mindset, but it persists throughout the year rather than just popping up at Christmas time. I often hear couples saying things like this:

“He never apologizes first, so I’m not going to either.”

“She never tells me what she wants in the bedroom, so I don’t tell her either.”

“He hurt me, and I want him to hurt back.”

“I’m going to treat him like he treats me and see how he likes that.”

“I gave the kids a bath and got them to bed last time. If you don’t do it tonight, I’m not going to help you when you need it.”

“I will have sex with you if you give me something in return.”

The problem with this mindset is that it is tit-for-tat, becoming cumbersome, burdensome, and full of rigidity, ultimately harboring anger, resentment, or breeding contempt in the relationship. The thing we often forget about love is that we have to give it the space to be genuine, authentic, and vulnerable. This means, we have to be willing to give without a guarantee we will get something in return. If we do things only hoping we will get something back, this becomes less of an intimate relationship and more of a scoresheet...a game where there is clearly a winner and a loser. Love cannot be spiteful or vindictive. 

So, this holiday season, may we remember to give without the expectation of receiving. May we act with integrity and give the gift we truly want to give instead of the gift we should give. May we treat others the way we WANT to be treated, rather than reflecting to them the way they already treat us. 

If this sounds like you, or you feel your relationship is looking more like a scoresheet, consider working with a therapist. A trained therapist will be happy to help you get out of the rut and figure out how to give and receive more love without anger or fighting. It is possible to feel more loved and appreciated in your relationship. 

Call today at 678-796-8255 and let’s see if we can work together or schedule an appointment online.