When the Honeymoon Phase Ends...And How to Get it Back

When you first meet and fall in love with someone, it is exhilarating. It feels fun, new, and exciting, and there is a spark, passion, fireworks even! You’re sending thoughtful texts, saying all the right things, taking time to bring your best self to the table to make a good impression. Maybe you care a little more about how you dress, how you smell, how you look, your breath, keeping a clean car, having good manners during a date. Maybe you shave more often, fix your hair, get a wax or a manicure. Maybe you seduce your partner with sexy words, thoughts, or pictures, or activities. Perhaps you wear that sexy little negligee or spontaneously pounce.

So you decide to get married. And maybe have kids. And then you're trying to cram sex into a 15 minute window after the kids are asleep, with leg stubble, before the exhaustion or headaches set in. And all of a sudden, you're at the place you swore you’d never be and realize that the honeymoon is over.

It is totally natural and normal for our romantic relationships to take a backseat, especially after responsibilities, mortgages, and kids are in the scene (much less the daily wear and tear of life).

But the honeymoon phase can be revitalized with one word: EFFORT.

In the beginning, if we had a date planned, we had days to sit and think about it. What will I wear? Where will we go? What will we do? Where will we eat? Who will make the first move? What will we talk about? Will he propose? Will she let me get to third base? Etc. We have time to create anticipation! We get to wonder, fantasize, percolate, simmer, creating an intoxicating concoction for the psyche and the libido.

In the beginning, you put forth effort.

Planning the right date or activity.

Telling your partner how excited you are and are looking forward to time together.

Not being caught dead with hairy legs.

Making sure you don’t pass gas or let your date watch you poop.

Opening doors or pulling out chairs.

Not complaining when she orders the more expensive dessert or wine.

Making sure you're turned into your date/partner and not zoned out on your phone, sitting in silence.

Being kind, charming, considerate.

Asking about shared hobbies, interests, how their day went, what they want in life.

Refraining from talking about unsexy stuff like your hemorrhoid, debt, or the color of your child’s snot.

It is no wonder that one of the most common problems we see in our office is boredom, feeling like roommates, feeling no passion or romance, and like the honeymoon phase is over.

That is a really scary place to be because then you may wonder:

• Is this as good as it gets?
• Is something wrong?
• Are we normal?
• Is my partner un-attracted to me?
• Am I good enough?
• Why don’t I have any desire in me?
• Why aren’t we having sex?
• I love my partner, but maybe we aren't in love anymore.
• I wish it was how it used to be.
• Maybe I married the wrong person.
• Maybe monogamy isn’t for me.

Or maybe you:

• Flirt with friends or coworkers.
• Consider an affair.
• Work more.
• Hook up with someone else.
• Keep it a secret and hope for the best.
• Start nagging your partner to be more romantic.
• Start pressuring your partner for more sex.
• Drink or smoke more, or partake in recreational drug use.
• Feel disconnected.
• Start fighting.
• Stop having sex altogether.
• Try to use new positions and toys to spice things up.
• Resort to porn and more frequent masturbation.

This is just a small list. Keeping the honeymoon phase alive or revitalizing it requires being mindful. Ensuring we stop falling into roles that don’t allow a sex life to exist...roles that fuel regrets, nostalgia from the past, things that you miss because you’re now parents. We must put in EFFORT to make sure that we don’t become too familial with a lover. Nobody has to be a martyr, you’re not sacrificing the sexual part of yourself just because you're no longer singer, young, free, and so forth. No need to give up that part of your life. It just takes work to keep it an adventure with your lover.

Esther Perel, a well-known couples and sex therapist, refers to this as “mating in captivity.” In fact, she wrote a book called “Mating in Captivity.” Basically, we can’t take each other for granted. Domesticity, responsibility, safety, security, comfort, companionship all make for a great marriage, but leave little room for eroticism. And we wonder why the romance fizzles. We have to learn to balance stability and spontaneity. If you're mating in captivity and feel like you're in this “cage” with your partner, rather than being pissed that you're in the cage with only one other person, consider where within the cage can you roam? What can do you do within this space? How can you get creative? Can you swing from this tree over here? Or jump on that stump over there?

Consider this a new beginning. Would you want to date you? What advice would you give your best friend who came to you with this problem? How do you treat each other now verses when you were first dating? I guarantee there was more effort involved. And if putting in work sounds tiring, just know, it is more work and more uncomfortable to stay in a crappy place sexually than it is to do and try fun new things.

So go out there, put in some effort, bring your best self to the table. Consider sex therapy.

If you want some help getting started or want to see if you're on the right track, call us to make an appointment at 678-796-8255, or schedule email coaching, book online, or request a free consultation with our sex therapist.

The New Year’s Resolution You’ll Want to Make...and Keep!

Here we are, in the midst of a brand new year. The rush of the holidays have passed, we are financially recovering from our excess spending, physically recovering from too many holiday treats, and emotionally recovering from too much hustle and bustle or too much time with family members that we, uhhh, prefer to enjoy less time with. The new year marks a new start, a fresh beginning, and an opportunity to better ourselves. We often focus on resolutions like hitting up the gym, quitting smoking, saving more money, or living life to the fullest. But, how often do we make relational goals with our lovers? Why not shift our focus this year to also attending to our relationships?

Setting relationship goals can sometimes be difficult, especially if we don’t know what goals to set, what we are actually trying to accomplish, or how to make them stick. You may start by asking yourself a few questions:

• If I were to go to sleep tonight, and while I was sleeping a miracle happened with my relationship to my lover/partner/spouse, what would be different? (would we talk differently to one another, spend more time together, have more frequent sex, have more fun together? etc..)
• What would make my relationship with my lover/partner/spouse richer? In other words, if we are already “good,” what would elevate our relationship to “great?”
• What worked well for us this year? What did not work so well? What would be ideal? What isn’t ideal just yet?

Now that you have some idea of what can elevate your relationship, it’s time to set a goal that is SMART. SMART stands for specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-sensitive. The SMARTer your goal is, the greater the odds are of achieving the goal. Not having a SMART goal keeps us stuck in a space that is vague, unclear, and without direction. It is kind of like driving around blindfolded and being upset that we don't get to where we want to do. If we have a vision, a map, and a guide, we can arrive to our destination.

First, we have to get specific. Narrow your focus down to a tangible item. For example, rather than just saying “this year I want us to work on our marriage/relationship,” you may be more specific and be able to narrow it down to “this year, I want us to have more sex/better sex.”

Now that you’ve got a specific goal, you can focus on making sure it is measurable so that you can gauge your progress. How will you know you’ve achieved your goal? What will be different? What will there be more of when this goal is accomplished? What will there be less of when this goal is accomplished? What might a fly on the wall observe differently that would indicate you’ve reached this goal? What kind of time frame are we looking at? For example, “we will know we have reached our goal of having more sex when my wife initiates more often”, “when we are having sex more spontaneously,” “we will decrease our weekly arguments from 5x per week to only once per week.”

Once your goal is specific and measurable, we want to ensure it is attainable and realistic. If your goal is to have sex with your partner 7days a week, but your partner’s goal is to have sex once per week, it may not be attainable nor realistic to strive towards having sex 2-3x per day. This is also a good time to consider HOW you will go about achieving your goal and what has been getting in the way thus far.

Finally, you want to make sure your goals are time-sensitive. This will provide a launching pad for you to be able to measure more effectively and to monitor progress. You can set a daily goal, weekly goal, a monthly goal, a quarterly goal, a 6 month goal, or an annual goal. These will serve as checkpoints to keep you on track. Time-sensitive goals not only help you create checkpoints, but they also ensure that your goals are attainable and realistic. If you and your partner have stopped having sex, it might not be realistic to reach your goal of having sex 2-3x per week during the first week.

Putting it all together:

Now that you have all the parts of a smart goal: it is specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-sensitive, you are ready to become action focused. Now you can examine the smallest thing you need to do between now and your time checkpoint to keep yourself accountable and in check. Here’s what it all looks like:

• My lover and I will have a better sex life when we can eliminate electronics in the bedroom and can set an earlier “bedtime” for the next month.
• By the end of 3 months, I will be more spontaneous as evidenced by initiating sex with my partner 2-3x per month.
• By the end of 6 months, we will have sex 1-2x per week by planning date nights each week.
• By the end of next week, I will talk to my partner about what turns me on sexually and will practice asking for what I want/need.

When you lose focus, imagine the possibilities if you were to accomplish this goal. What would it mean for you, your partner, your relationship, your family if this goal were to be accomplished?

This year, my goal is to grow spiritually with my husband. My plan to do that is for us to complete a couple’s devotional/workbook this year, something we’ve never done before. First, I have to have that conversation with him to ensure he is on board. Then, we may need to plan a time to go to a bookstore to explore options for us. After that, we may make the purchase. And finally, set aside the time to do our work and honor that commitment to ourselves.

Once you set a goal in this way, you will find it is easier to achieve. That will help you and your partner to continue with that positive momentum and continue setting goals that grow your relationship in a positive direction.

Unsure what kind of goal to set for your relationship or how to make a plan to make it stick? Feeling stuck?Our trained therapists are here to help you and your lover ignite your relationship this year, whether you’re wanting to feel stable and secure, or wanting to elevate a good relationship to a great one. Our therapists are here to help you assess where you’re at, where you can go, and provide you with the roadmap to get there. Call us today to schedule an appointment at 678-796-8255 or feel free to schedule online. Whatever you do, don’t wait another day. We’ve got big things to accomplish in 2017!