We hear it all the time in our office: My partner isn’t interested in sex.
"I do my best to help out with household duties or kids, or provide to the best of my ability, to be a good friend (and if you struggle doing those things, stop reading this post and call us ASAP!), but it seems like no matter what I do every time I ask 'want to have sex?' That I am shot down."
“I’m tired.”
“I have a headache.”
“I don’t feel good.”
“I have to get these dishes done.”
“It is late.”
These are common responses we often hear. But the problem isn’t what you think. It isn’t necessarily in any of those excuses/reasons. Not that they aren’t true to some extent. But the problem lies in the question.
“Want to have sex?”
“Wanna do it?”
“Can we have sex?”
And often times it is preceded or followed by a crotch grab, ass pinch, or nipple flick. Not the BEST way to turn your partner on. Additionally, this question forces your partner to contemplate 2 things: Am I feeling DESIRE right now (Do I WANT to have sex) and am I AROUSED (is my body having a physical sexual response such as lubrication, erection, tingling between the legs). Neither of which are often the case simply because there hasn’t been enough time to get there. You’re expecting your partner to perform on the spot. This kind of spontaneity is tough to come by (more on that in a later post). And unfortunately, the answer is NO more times than not. And the reason for that is that the question creates the sense that sex is yet another thing that must be checked off the to-do list, making it feel like a chore. And how many of us get turned on by thinking of chores? If you want your partner to stop feeling like sex is a chore, stop asking that question.
Instead, ask THIS question:
Are you OPEN to the IDEA of sex? Or Are you OPEN to the IDEA of getting turned on?
This question gives your partner the option to say yes without it feeling like this obligatory “i have to say yes to keep my partner happy” thing. Now, they are giving you the opportunity for sex to be a possibility. Then you can take steps to turn your partner on and get them from being open to the idea to willing to be with you sexually. This allows for more fun, more passion, more foreplay, more arousal. It isn’t that your partner isn’t in the mood. You just have to help them get there.
If you aren’t sure what turns you on or turns your partner on, or are still having a hard time in the bedroom or just wonder if your sex life is normal, ”sex therapy can help. Call us today at 678-796-8255 to schedule an appointment, sign up for email coaching, or book online with our sex therapist and let’s see if we can help you turn the heat up.