I often get asked “does marriage counseling work?” The short answer is: yes, it absolutely can. I also hear many spouses who call me say “I want to come, but my spouse doesn’t want to/doesn’t believe in it/doesn’t think it’ll work/doesn’t want to tell our business to everyone.” The Journal of Marital and Family Therapy suggests marriage counseling helps 7 out of 10 couples find great satisfaction in their marriages. But, success and effectiveness in therapy depends on a few factors. Knowing these can make the difference.
Find a good therapist. Your relationship with your therapist is the #1 predictor of success. This means that finding the right therapist is very important. Consider working with someone who specializes in marriage, couples, or relationships. Also, consider their personality. If you get along with them and get a good “vibe” or are treated respectfully, you will get further in your success than if you work with a therapist that rubs you the wrong way.
Timing. The sooner you seek help, the better. Renowned couples therapist and researcher John Gottman’s studies have found that couples wait on average 7 years before seeking help for marital issues. This means the longer you wait, the more difficult it can be to get unstuck and the more resistant you may be to counseling interventions or the therapeutic process.
Education. How well you understand the therapy process can be a predictor of therapy effectiveness. It is up to you as the client to get the most out of your counseling sessions. Your therapist is a guide and a facilitator for change and is responsible for providing you with information and insight, thus acting as a consultant, not the FIXER. You can get the most success if you integrate and apply what you learn in session outside of the therapy room.
Motivation. Your motivation level can determine how effective marriage counseling can be. Are you both committed to the marriage and its repair? Are you invested in bringing your best self to the table and doing the sometimes difficult and uncomfortable work that comes with marriage counseling? Counseling is most effective if you both have bought into the process.
Know your stance. Be as clear as you can about where you stand in your marriage. Sometimes “marriage counseling” is really “divorce counseling” because both people have already given up, and sometimes it is “discernment counseling” because one person is ready to give up while the other wants to repair the relationship. If this is the case, and you’re having difficulty knowing where you stand, talk with your therapist about it. A trained therapist may be able to offer you discernment counseling to help you decide if you want to improve the marriage or let it go by helping more clear about what you want for your relationship. You don’t have to be 100% certain about what your decision is, but you do have to be 100% committed to the process to help you gain that clarity.
Goals. Once you know you are committed to the process, have found a good fit for a therapist, and are invested in repairing and rekindling your marriage, take some time to think about what your goals are for your marriage and how to make it tangible. For instance, saying you want better communication is a great goal, but it may not be specific enough to help guide you to what you need to be focusing on. However, if you want to learn to have an disagreement without yelling, name-calling, or without someone leaving the room to end the fight, that gives you something more tangible to work toward, and thus being able to measure your progress.
Ready to get started working with a Carrollton marriage counselor? Call today at 678-796-8255 or schedule an appointment online 24/7.